Bullpen

Hey, it was my first date ever

And I didn't really take the wisest decisions. I mean, getting shitfaced the night before, sleeping 5 hours, in hindsight I might have to admit it was not the best idea. Sometimes I still act like I am 16. Or I finally act like I should have been acting when I was 16.
The date was good nevertheless, for me at least. I like her, I had a good time; and I was not expecting that much. I'm relieved. I'm pretty satisfied too.
Yet there was not enough to go to first base, but meh, I can live with that.

It was my first date ever, it was the first girl I actually wanted to see since Emma's been gone. Because I'm moving on, because I have to move on. Because I'm strong enough to get rid of that burden now.
But it is true that it still is a work in progress.

I don't really know if I wanna meet someone to live something again, to feel fully alive again or merely to prove a point. Do I miss these goosebumps, this adrenaline, all those dreams? Or do I just wanna show that in the end, I've moved on with my life too? I don't really know. It is true though that a tangible proof might reassure a lot of people. Not me, for I know pretty well where I'm at right now. Yet it would make it possible to draw the final temporal checkpoint, the most difficult one to accurately determine.

There is a line, and on this line are carved all the milestones. And the thing is, if I am asked to pinpoint the end of the road, I am not actually sure what I would say. Was it when I learned I had a shot at a second chance in life? Was it when I took the plane? When it took off? When it landed? Was it when I asked Chloé out just for her to knock me back? Was it when I asked my date out? Was it when we went out?
Has it yet to come?

This is not really a matter of what anymore, more a matter of when. This is not survival anymore, it is understanding when I fully got my life back, so that I know and so that I can stop rewriting and start filling up new pages. My life deserves it. I deserve it. I'm not asking for much.
I just want to move forward without looking back after every single achievement.


3 days after she dumped me, I vowed that I would never, ever try to love again. I swore I would rather die than breaking this promise.

Well I broke it, big deal eh?

I broke the last thing tying me to my past self. I'm sorry dude, you just didn't know. You didn't know how long it would hurt, you didn't know that you would eventually die and be replaced by someone else, inheriting everything you used to cherish and love except for one.
Her.
And that is exactly why I am stronger, better than who you were. Because I don't have to care about her anymore. I can focus on taking care of the people you loved and who loved you.
Not the one you loved for nothing.
I'm not making excuses; I don't give a fuck about your past resolutions.
I'm living this life now, and I will make sure that the things that really matter will get high priority.
And if I need to forget her for that, I wonder which motherfucke* is gonna prevent me from doing so.

And I guess a second date would help.


Especially if I can get out of the bullpen next time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6EBAnOp5H0

Winter Break

So I'm done.
And if you ask me, 7 to 10 p.m. is not a time for an exam.
I did not completely laid an egg, though it was not a success either.

Who cares.
I'm done.

I saw Chloé for the last time, it stings a bit. Jeez, I don't even know that girl, I don't even know her real name. Well, I guess I will never know.

Who cares.
I'm done.

I don't know if my grades will plummet with the essays and the exams; I would like to still be in the race for my distinction. It would be nice. But for now

Who cares
I'm done

I'm done and I understand that I belong here. Part of me belongs here, but I've always known that. What I understood though is that I also belong back home. I had always wanted to leave that place, and yet I know I have to go back at some point. Because it is part of who I am.

People don't belong in places, they belong with people. I belong with the ones I love. Whatever the place, I don't care.

There will always be a place left for us right above in the stars. I'm sure of that.
We shall not stop looking for it.



Life's been pretty good to me lately.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJPnilRjYFk&index=2&list=PL56A996AAA411288E