I had not felt goosebumps in a while. That is mainly because I do my utmost to prevent getting myself in a position that would trigger dicey stomach movements and excess sweat. See, I despise not being in full control of what is happening to me - even when I get out of my comfort zone, I make sure to take my security blanket with me.
I hate goosebumps for I am a chicken.
That is why I have long thrown in the towel and stopped hoping for love to come out of the blue. Because even when it does, my right brain is too gauche to make anything out of it. To my defence, my only real relationships both ended in a disaster, completely different they may have been. 2 really does a number on you. It has taken a toll in the long run and hope has grown scarce. It hturned into where's Waldo? and my heart is terrible at pinpointing hope's location or even coming up with a consistent pattern for finding it. As a result, I have worked into my brain the assumption that it was not worth it, that this whole thing had hit a point of diminishing returns, and I am not interested in chasing a downward spiral anymore. Look at me, I am all grown-up.
I don't have an explanation for what happened. It was Sarah all over again and I fell right for her magnificent awkwardness. The booze helped. Fatigue helped. The others' excruciating banter helped.
And I guess resignation did the rest.
I gave up before my eyes gazed into hers. I did not care much, I just wanted to get it over with. There was nothing magical or enjoyable about these few seconds of inflated self-consciousness.
I do not know how it works. Last time I did something this cute and stupid it was with Marion 9 years ago. Look where it got me. I know what I am supposed to say, how I am supposed to say it, the face I am supposed to make. My brain has learned to pull a fairly good impersonation at my heartstrings. Yet nothing never goes as planned. I botch it and have to break out of character, stuttering what gibberish my brain jettisons from my sanity.
With you it was when you opened your eyes wide the very moment I dropped beautiful.
I could not see it to the end as scripted. I forgot my lines and made a fool of myself in front of what was then my own world - you.
But maybe that is what makes me human? Maybe that is what birthed this tornado of uncontainable feelings I cannot figure out how to get rid of.
I have been feeling small, miserable, incredibly sad, ludicrous - you name it. You kicked me out of my safe haven without even trying to get in. I got the eviction letter too late. My cynisism is withering away and I am afraid what's been buried deep inside might come forth.
I hate you hope, because you stop making me feel like shit to make me feel something way worse.
I feel like throwing up every time my phone rings. My heart is throbbing every time the screen lights up.
Which is unfortunate because I am not young enough anymore to believe you would call.
So why does my body display such insubordination to my brain? Why did Heart back up such a mistake of an endeavor?
And why don't Guts speak up against this nonsense?
The fortress I have built over time has not allowed me to feel the world adequately. Love, or even just infatuation remains to me a much hostile unchartered territory. I feel through thoughts like a teenager and think feelings like an adult. This discrepancy fucks it all up - I don't know which I should follow.
I am more alive than I have been in years, and it hurts so bad. My brain had no grounds to rope me in. And now disappointment is lurking and waiting to wolf poor little heart down.
Well, I guess I had it coming after crying wolf so many times before.
A cautionary tale for...what for exactly?
I can't help but believe that degausser failed for a reason. It was not an overlook or bad design, or even an unfortunate chain of events.
She was simply stronger. Her eyes thawed my stone-cold ribcage while her smile was busy fleshing out my flatlining feelings box.
I had lost before she said anything. Just look at my entire body smarting because I am stupid.
You had me before hello.
Now what is funny is that from your perspective, I was surely no more than a clumsy creep who gave you a number you will make sure never to call. Yet, despite the fairly staggering ache I've been saddled with, and even if just for the stilted "sure",
I guess it was kinda worth it.
I am still the exact same fool. I still snowball little nothings into dreams way bigger than me. I still make a fuss and become a mess for no reason. I still pull an Icarus even though I am far too weak to actually reach a single star. And I still forget to ask the names of the ones that make me waste hours on end on this shameful and self-centered diary.
In the end, I had yet again lost the race, but I guess I still wanted to cross the finish line one more time, hoping that maybe, one day,
I will be holding more than the baton my former selves keep handing off to me.
Shit, I really hoped you'd call.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I turned up, and the moment I saw you waiting tables,
I knew I had to stop just waiting for tables to turn.
