Jet lag

Because when I go to bed, my loved ones are getting out of it.

There is a lot of unpublished material on this blog. More than you would guess. Sometimes, I just drop a couple words before realizing it won't fit. Sometimes, I write a whole message and then just don't deem it "good" enough, I work primarily on instincts. Sometimes it comes from my mind alone, but mostly what you see on these HTML pieces of paper is from my guts. If, and when I stop feeling like it, I just stop and leave the draft of what might have been something liberating rot in the depths of my mind. And of this blog.
But today I don't feel like leaving things behind.

I was strolling here, when I came upon a draft which caught my attention. I wouldn't be able to say why. Out of curiosity I subsequently opened it.

Inside there was some kind of fantastic device I designed a year-something ago. A prototypical time machine.

Here was a message I left myself when things were bad. I read and felt like I was being lectured by someone else. Someone cocky to do so, since well, I think I know better than he did at the time; and one would be ill advised to say otherwise. Or would they? I laughed a couple times, felt angry and bitter. A lot. I felt sad to to read despair and self-destruction between the lines. I was glad to grasp some well hidden hope.
It was interesting, if not necessarily a wake-up call. I certainly did not have the impact I wished I would have; but it was still something.
And that's too bad that since this time machine is still prototypical,
It doesn't go both ways.

It made me think of how selfish I used to be. And how selfish I still am actually. It made me think of all the people who count, who shape up my life.

I arrived 3 weeks ago, and henceforth everything started to change; and there's no going back now.
And though I am seldom one to be happy about things in the long run, I have to say that for once
I think my choice is proving to be a fantastic one.

I'm growing up, I'm the witness of my own growth, and this time; it doesn't have to be through pain, harm and despair. I feel good where I am, and I feel better by the day.

I don't think of you much Emma. I don't know if it's because we eventually talked; but I can not think of you for a stretch of two to three days now. That's a quantum leap. And I feel like it's only going to get better than that.
I now know you may read that one day. And I don't want to take back anything. Because to me, at some point you were a bitch, because you were to blame too, though not for everything. And you played a big role in killing the child with whom you had fallen in love with in the first place.
But now that's not too bad.
So I will stop keeping tabs, because you're not an active part of my life anymore.

And this message is not for you either.

Because I am fed up of living on some sick theories steming from my brain according to which I should live by myself through some kind of environment built only for the pupose of loving you, getting over you, hating you, or whatever. My life's been much more than that.

And that one's to the people I love.

Because yeah I am 22, and I was prepared to live by myself. I cope well, I've got great roommates, Some of them I'm already friends with. But yeah at night, when I look from my 16th story window, I can see how wonderful the city is, with the CN Tower amid the buildings. I can grasp how fucking lucky I am.
This city has really been an antidote to my life, that's true.
But when I look through my window and start dreaming of grandeur, that's true
It feels a bit lonely.

I'm no Clark Kent.

And I miss you.

I miss my parents, but it's certainly worse the other way around.

I miss my grandparents, and I realize I don't go see them enough; now that I cannot.

I miss my sister, and wonder if she's making dinner for two sometimes.

I miss my brother, and I would like him to answer to my facebook texts. But he'll be 15 soon, and I remember what it's like to have his age. Or at least, this blog remembers.
Because we met when I was that age.

I miss Id and taking a nice walk with him after a drink and a couple cigarettes. When we were 15, I used to feel like we were invincible. I still do, when we're together.

I miss Rick, but I know he's not alone. And I can tell from the messages I get every other day that he misses me a lot too, and that he wishes I were here. Same here buddy.

I miss Thibaut, and it's on me that we haven't seen each other in a while. When I come back, I'll try my best not to let you down again. And even though I'm horrible with promises, I'm not feeling too bad about that one.

I miss Mike, and it's nuts to think he's the closest to me while he still is hundreds of miles away. You definitely have to visit me here at some point dude, I'm living the dream.

I miss Bigo, have been since he left us for god knows where. News are scarce, news are good. And I'm relieved to know that you are, good.

I miss Auré, I miss him being here and giving good advice and trying to show me the way, kind of like the big brother I will never have.

I miss Marie, I miss her kicking my ass when need be and actually saying so many things without opening her mouth.

I miss Ancelin, and all his trademark stupid remarks. And making fun of him. And I miss him being around because deep inside, I really love him and couldn't do without him.

I miss Eric, I miss him making me laugh, I miss him making me run; I miss him as the best storyteller in my world. And I especially miss him being drunk after half a beer.

I miss Laura, and her candor while still being a barbapapa.

I miss Jéjé, and it's been too long I've been missing him now. I miss our little talks more than everything in the world Jéjé. I hope you're well, please promise me that we'll joke around a couple of beers sometime.

I miss Sara, and I feel like it's been another life since I last saw her. She doesn't even know who Emma is. She may not even know I'm here, that's crazy.

I miss Thomas, and the way we used to be able to see each other so often back in the day. It makes it seem like it was 20 years ago. It was not, but still, far from the eyes but always close to the heart.

I miss Aldo, though I'm not sure it is completely legal to talk about him in the open like that. Most certainly not if at least 10% of the stories we made up are true.

I miss Nat, playing supersmash, playing in the snow, but especially looking up and gazing at the stars. I was missing you when we were 14. I was missing you when we were 18. I was missing you when I was 21. And I still miss you the same after all these years.

I miss you all, to be honest.

So here I am, and for the first time in my life; I know I've made the best choice. Hands down.
Still growing up far, far away from you doesn't mean you're far away from my heart.
And anyway, wherever I go in this giant frickin world.

You never really are.

Ongoing

Well I guess things are going smoothly.
I get along pretty well with my roommates, I'm still trying to figure out HOW the fu*k the system works here. I have yet to start doing my homework. I have yet to buy some veggies. I have yet to meet some people.
But overall, it's been pretty cool up to now.

Tonight there was this very cute girl, and I would have taken a shot, because yeah, you know what, you never know. But a friend of mine actually told that he liked her a lot. So I just stepped back, and I let him be the one with butterflies in his stomach. It was kinda fun being the one to watch from afar, for once. It was a bit bizarre, but I guess it was the good thing to do.

It was a good night, and I'm glad I chose a friend over a girl. I'm glad I'm finally starting to learn from my past mistakes.

It was a good night.
It was a good start.
And it's good to see that real change is ongoing;

At last.

The Niagara Blues

Once again, let's just start from the end.

I might have messed up once more.

Toronto is amazing. I am basically living a dream. I am like a child lost in a ToysRus and who can play with every single toy or game. I really feel like a child. In so many ways.

I guess I had it coming. I am going to a world class university now, so it means that basically all the people I meet are smarter than I am. I mean, WAY smarter than I am. And that my English sucks. Like, really sucks, even compared to other foreigners.

These are good things in fact, because when you're dead last, there is no falling behind. I can improve in so many areas. I am literally surrounded by greatness.

That's as scary as it is exciting.

My first week here has been nothing short of awesome. I mean it. I love the people, I love the place, I love the food, I love my neighbors, I love the school; I love that I can watch the NFL for free in a Korean restaurant ( yeah, what's that? ).

I also have a few moments when I feel a bit miserable not being able to speak a correct English, that I can't really take part into conversations because of my lack of culture, that languages is my major and I am way weaker at them than non-native speakers whose major are micro-biology, economics or linguistics. Well yeah, two sides of a Loonie ( which is how they call the 1 dollar coin here ).

And I'm shy. And it's hard to speak and improve when you don't go talk to people.

Today I went to the Niagara falls. It was extraordinary, really. I went with 45 people. I spent the day alone. All alone.
That's on me, for sure.
I knew that I was coming here as a bit of a fraud, someone who managed to sneak his way in with some luck and good timing.
I can see now that there is a long way to go.

But hey, I have 8 months to get there, and from a fraud to become legitimate.
Cause you have my word on that.
I will.

And today on the bus there was this Chinese girl who was the cutest in the world, and I didn't go talk to her, and I now have a huge crush on her and I can't seem to find her on fb so,
yeah,
just refer to the second line of the message.