You're damn right there is

I needed fresh air. I needed to feel cold, I needed to be freezing, because at the moment I was convinced

That it would be only thing that'd help me feel alive.

I went out in the cold, sleeveless, walking, thinking, wondering. I stepped outside pondering about life and death, the fact that the two are intertwined and natural.
I can't accept that.

For either of them.

I was there, and I was not feeling that much more alive. Just cold.
I did not understand why things had to start if they are doomed from the start. I felt ashamed, ashamed of feeling uncomfortable in a life that is almost perfect. I felt bad realizing that the very fact I was able to contemplate these thoughts meant that my life was so unrealistically good.
But I could not help it.

I was feeling on the outside looking in this big bad world.

I fit, but way too much to drop out of it,

And not enough to be able to grasp what is missing.

WHAT is missing?

I don't know.

I have no fucking clue.

I was there, and I felt useless. Without an explanation for why I was here, for all of that. What is the purpose? There is none. Randomness, ludicrous odds that led to life, that led to me. And that are gonna lead me to nothingness.
I felt engulfed by the reality that I was not big enough to upset the laws of nature. I felt overwhelmed by the rules I have to abide by and that I will never be able to break.

I went back home, not feeling better. Just hoping for a better tomorrow.
I just wanted a better tomorrow.
I just wanted a sign that longing for the stars in that empty sky was not useless.


And the next day, when I woke up, 

It was snowing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqQsZ8g8KHQ