So it's finally here, eh?
It's been a year, and jeez, time flew.
I did not really see it coming.
I'm happy to go back though. I feel like I achieved what I wanted to coming here. I mean, I chased my demons for good, I've started to find my back to who I wanna be. And I've been blessed to live my dream for a few months.
But it does not end here. I learned, I took all I could over the course of 8 months so that I could grow up and go back stronger. And I'm glad I'm going back. I'm excited to see y'all, to wrap my arms around you. Because if there is one thing that this abroad taught me - and though it might be a huge cliché is true -,it is that I came to the realization that part of what I want and need is back home.
It's been another hefty year when it comes to girls, and yet I could not put an end to the success drought. Leah, Chloé, Aryn, Sarah. For some of them I tried, for some I didn't. Some of them I had a shot with, most of them not even in my dreams. One of them changed a few things. Truth be told, a lot of things. So thank you, and happy birthday.
Tonight I just want to celebrate. Even though my last exam was a catastrophe, even though I could not party as much as I would have liked, even though I am one year older. I want to party. I want to look through my window and say thank you for a year I needed and was given the chance to get. There is no denying that. I am grateful.
I am sorry I was away for a year, but be sure that I missed you as much as you missed me.
And you can stop waiting now, everything will be fine.
Because I'll be back soon.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy9hGvfm-II
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015
"This was really bad"
I got completely torched.
I guess that's the difference between 1d and 1p, eh? It was but a massacre.
I knew that I would lose, but I wish I had played well.
I was ludicrous.
Like, for real.
I was angry with myself.
Then I tried to redeem myself during the tsumego session. I still failed.
I was the best of the failures, but it's not worth much.
And then came the pro study session, where I did better. Because I did not really do anything.
I saw people leave, one after the other, until there was just 4 of us left, in front of a board, watching a game of Ke Jie.
It was the craziest shit.
I was told tonight that I was among the best in the group. That's probably true, and had we taken part into the North-American tournament, I would have made the team.
But is it enough though?
I am not satisfied anymore. It can't be enough to just be where I am at now and think it is good enough, that I can make do with that. It can't be enough if the other guy in the room is completely out of reach. It can't be enough if can still get utterly defeated like tonight.
It is not enough to be good enough.
I think it hit me tonight that it is time I stopped messing around too much, procrastinating for the sake of being good later. I don't wanna be good later anymore.
I want to be good right now.
It took three years. Three damn years. It was long for god's sake.
But at long last, I am willing to acknowledge that I need go, and it makes me sick to relegate that to a pastime. It is a major part of me, of who I am.
And I love it.
So why not hit the reset button and try to do things better this time around?
Because I feel like I am finding my way back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM8GxoC2mPc
I guess that's the difference between 1d and 1p, eh? It was but a massacre.
I knew that I would lose, but I wish I had played well.
I was ludicrous.
Like, for real.
I was angry with myself.
Then I tried to redeem myself during the tsumego session. I still failed.
I was the best of the failures, but it's not worth much.
And then came the pro study session, where I did better. Because I did not really do anything.
I saw people leave, one after the other, until there was just 4 of us left, in front of a board, watching a game of Ke Jie.
It was the craziest shit.
I was told tonight that I was among the best in the group. That's probably true, and had we taken part into the North-American tournament, I would have made the team.
But is it enough though?
I am not satisfied anymore. It can't be enough to just be where I am at now and think it is good enough, that I can make do with that. It can't be enough if the other guy in the room is completely out of reach. It can't be enough if can still get utterly defeated like tonight.
It is not enough to be good enough.
I think it hit me tonight that it is time I stopped messing around too much, procrastinating for the sake of being good later. I don't wanna be good later anymore.
I want to be good right now.
It took three years. Three damn years. It was long for god's sake.
But at long last, I am willing to acknowledge that I need go, and it makes me sick to relegate that to a pastime. It is a major part of me, of who I am.
And I love it.
So why not hit the reset button and try to do things better this time around?
Because I feel like I am finding my way back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM8GxoC2mPc
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