"This was really bad"

I got completely torched.
I guess that's the difference between 1d and 1p, eh? It was but a massacre.
I knew that I would lose, but I wish I had played well.
I was ludicrous.
Like, for real.
I was angry with myself.

Then I tried to redeem myself during the tsumego session. I still failed.
I was the best of the failures, but it's not worth much.

And then came the pro study session, where I did better. Because I did not really do anything.

I saw people leave, one after the other, until there was just 4 of us left, in front of a board, watching a game of Ke Jie.
It was the craziest shit.

I was told tonight that I was among the best in the group. That's probably true, and had we taken part into the North-American tournament, I would have made the team.
But is it enough though?

I am not satisfied anymore. It can't be enough to just be where I am at now and think it is good enough, that I can make do with that. It can't be enough if the other guy in the room is completely out of reach. It can't be enough if can still get utterly defeated like tonight.

It is not enough to be good enough.

I think it hit me tonight that it is time I stopped messing around too much, procrastinating for the sake of being good later. I don't wanna be good later anymore.

I want to be good right now.

It took three years. Three damn years. It was long for god's sake.
But at long last, I am willing to acknowledge that I need go, and it makes me sick to relegate that to a pastime. It is a major part of me, of who I am.
And I love it.
So why not hit the reset button and try to do things better this time around?

Because I feel like I am finding my way back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM8GxoC2mPc