Wait, just, pause. Calm down. Let things sink in. Settle down. Yeah, that's better.
Nope, it definitely is not.
I've come to grips with my having a problem. One I need to solve. I mean, I used to be able to hide behind false excuses, pretending I was just a hapless dude, loitering around and always being struck with bad luck. It would work fine. But it's become increasingly difficult of late, as a couple of things started to change. For starters, the opportunities have multiplied. Like, for real. Also, shit's gotten real. It's become downright impossible to ignore the fact that I am the one squandering my love interests . Things are headed towards a binary state, and I am the sole decider of the yes or no. There is no hint of subtlety under which I can take shelter. In my castle of glass, I no longer am the frail king. I am the unmasked jester.
No more capable of concealing the utmost deception - and let's be honest here, I was the most amenable target the whole time - I admitted to others that I, indeed, have been avoiding the problem for too long. The harshest was to admit it to myself.
But what then? I mean, all's good and well but I've long known the inconvenient repercussions of a wicked and damaged mind. I am self-loathing, my ego is in tatters day in and day out. To be fair, both these drawbacks have been, in numerous instances, real pull-ups; unexpectedly fueling a new sense of purpose. But now that my purpose is of age, it is time for you to go; for it is becoming difficult to fathom any kind of viable future with you by the side of the one that would be by my side.
But I digress.
What does it stem from? Come on, it's pretty obvious isn't it?
You know it's with her.
Two years, seven months. That's the time we lasted. That's also the time I've been lasting without we. I had to make good by the milestone. Maybe was it time to conquer the answers I've always been longing for. I should be strong enough by now.
I think I am.
And so I went.
And before I knew it, I was seeing you.
Shit, what did I just do? Is it for real? Why has nothing changed? Am I dreaming? No. Am I freaking out? No. Chillax. Take a deep breath. No, don't take it. Ah, whatever, just go with the flow.
I decided to sail against the stream, because it's high time I started taking chances when it matters most.
So I did.
We said "weird" 6 times. You twice as much as I did. Irrelevant little tidbit. But it was, weird. Especially for my brain. The part of it that never had been able to let you go, to let go of your image; my lost brain as I will call it; was relieved. I felt it. Weird, eh? Feeling your brain. What was disturbing though was the uncanny familiarity of the whole scene. You haven't changed much. You sound the same. The exact same for fuck's sake, like, the most logical thing was perhaps the most shocking one. You look the same, and that's pretty unsettling. The setup was the same, the background identical.
Hence the unpredictable reaction of my lost brain. It snapped. Something flipped.
Back to normal.
Wait, what?
This ain't normal, this is bullshit. But there I was seeing you, and somewhere shallow up, I was like "Yeah, so what? We always see each other at night." I was thrust back a plethora of moments ago, and my lost brain engulfed the stretch of time that had built me in your absence. I would have been ill-advised to give in, that's a given. But it is hard fighting such happiness.
In front of my eyes, somewhere in my head - and, very certainly, in my heart -, you were just here, and it was perfectly ok. Like I had just woken up from an extended sleep and I was recovering my kindred soul.
Come again?
Come on man, it's not how things are. Because she's moved on, and so has she. Get a grip.
And so we started.
After the initial awkwardness, it was nice. It was good. I did not feel resentment. I still had to fight the lost brain to prevent it from swallowing me and burying me into the hole I escaped a few years ago. I managed.
Am I currently managing?
I don't know.
I know I gambled. But I was dealt plenty of good cards, and wasted them over nothing, blaming the stigma. Now I was left with a small pair and the flop was not great, but it was either that or folding.
I said let's go all in.
I' now waiting for the fourth card to be revealed.
Anyways, let's not fool ourselves. This move was not reckless.
When you have nothing, you can't really lose much.
I can't go into specifics yet. I have yet to muster the courage to realize what happened and cope with the oh so unpleasant consequences of my actions. But if I played my hand right -and I can only hope I did- it might assuage the demon inside and help me tame the motherfucker once and for all.
And from there, I can maybe go somewhere.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dude, what an outlandish encounter. I kid you not, I was on the brink of having a me attack.
I appreciate your wanting to get my house in order. You wanna get out of the doghouse, I get it. I respect that. But for REAL? I don't really know what you thought about trying to get her into my house, but oh boy, if this wasn't bold I don't know what is. Whatever man, your little bro was wise enough to keep her on the threshold. I can't even imagine how much damage she would have been able to cause inside. Like, come on, I've barely finished redecorating the place.
Anyways, I can see you're out of the angry teenager phase, and that's good. But that doesn't mean you can use my spare key yet. Thank god for your brother, if he weren't watching you we would be in SUCH a pickle currently. So yeah, get your shit together man.
Cause I'm not ready to move out just yet.
From celibacy with love;
Heart.
