Occam's razor

That was quite something.

It's hard to think clearly. The mind is not as sharp when it is sleep deprived. The body cannot really help when it's starving. The spirit is still pretty numb from the alcohol. I just know that one more time, I am speechless before the opportunity I wasted.

It's not like I really care though.

I'm anesthetized to weird encounters and ensuing failures. I've had one too many. I am experienced enough to read the situation well, clever enough not to make crucial mistakes.
Yet to no avail.
In the end there is always something holding me back.

How could I have guessed? How on earth would I have been able to guess? I went against everything my body was telling me and listened to the brain's plea. And in all truthfulness, it was convincing. Convincing enough to sabotage myself yet again.

I have good excuses this time around though.
Like every other time before.

But deep down I knew that I should have gone for it. I knew this was not a gamble as much as it was a calculated risk.
Obviously, it's always easier in hindsight.

I might love misery even more that it loves my company.
I just don't seem to want to shake that definitively. That's true, those stories that could have been, it is as funny for me to tell them as it is for you to hear.
It's starting to become exceptionally bittersweet though.
On my way back home on my 1st class seat, I just looked outside the window and reminisced. I was not sad, not even harboring regrets. It was just the usual sensation, the one I know way too well.
The feeling of another failure that was not to leave a lasting effect. At least not lasting enough to help me learn from it, henceforth preventing things to happen differently.

And let's be honest, even if I could go back in time and try to change things, I bet a thousand bucks that it would not affect the outcome.
Thank you, Novikov self-consistency principle.
Without you we may have been able to stop some insane mustached phony in time.
And I might have earned a kebab.

I'm not even tired of it all anymore. I'm so used to it now, it just feels like this is intrinsically linked to my behavior and my personality. I gave in some time ago. I've been giving up for quite a while as well.

It's not like I don't want things to change for the better.
It's just that I don't really care anymore.



Regardless of the daily speed bump, this was an awesome night. I had a wonderful time, I laughed a lot, I enjoyed being around, I just loved taking a break from the same old same old. I always love being with you dude, not any less than when we were 7, not any less than when we were 16. That's why I could spend way more than an hour and a half in a train to spend some quality time with one of the most important people in my life. You give me a fresh breath of air that makes me feel invincible, if only for a few hours. It goes a long way to helping my eyes turn red again.
I would not trade our friendship for the world, but I know you know that.
And as little as we would hug in the past and say sentimental stuff, I hope you know;
I love you man.


And now I'm home, hoping I could say that I'm navigating uncharted waters. But I know these waters like the back of my hand now, and even if I make do with that, a change of scenery would be much appreciated. Maybe I just need this to trigger that, maybe I am beating myself up a little too much, maybe I ask too many questions.

Or maybe I just have a bad case of hangover.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXUAX9mREuI

WeiqiTV

Why can't I access WeiqiTV if it's not down?

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Well, at least that compelled me to land here instead. Talk about a trade-off.
I've been alone, all by myself for 2 days now. I can't complain, I've a got nice big-ass house in the middle of nowhere, a nice landscape; and I love my neighbors - or lack thereof - .
I had not been alone for a while. Well, I've had plenty of me time since I came back, actually I've barely had anything else. But I had not really been alone with myself. That means dreaming, looking back, looking ahead;
And feeling a tad lonely.
I think there's some of that yeah.
Sometimes I even think it would be nice to really open the door once again instead of waiting for someone skillful enough to break in. But well, once again I don't really enjoy being robbed.
Who am I kidding? There's nothing left to take.

I am full of contradictions. I've always been. But as life has been happening, increasingly so. It's part of the game, it's something I don't dislike.
But it makes it hard for me to reach clear-cut conclusions.
After all, life's been pretty sweet since I started waiting for it to happen.

I'd like someone to share it with.

But I am unwilling to compromise, I have my temper, and I am quite a piece of work. I don't give many fucks either, and I especially refuse to invest time or anything that would jeopardize my universe.
Makes it kinda hard, doesn't it?

But all this is not etched. I mean, I could take a second look at it if someone were to be interested. And if she were worth it.
Argh, here we go again.

When I reach that point, I usually give up and make my peace with my facebook relationship status being what it is. It's hard to be satisfied with such a conclusion though.

So I'm waiting. Again.
And I'm getting nowhere fast.

I'm 23. When it comes to some things, I'm much older.
When it comes to hoping my life's gonna turn out like a Disney movie, I've been stuck at 16 for quite some time now.

A wise man once told me to never, ever catch feelings. That it was not worth it. Too painful.
This guy's a hero, so I believe him.
On the other hand, he was pretty hammered that night so, well.

I'm overthinking things because I have the luxury to be bored. I enjoy my champagne problems, guilty as charged. Yet, when I go to be(d) at night and start designing new adventures, different stories,
The one in which I'm not alone anymore is kind of an audience favorite.

I've been wrong, a lot. I've been wronged, quite a few times. I am not done being, that's for sure.
I'd just like to know if there is someone worth it out there.

Just so that I can keep on dreaming at night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADa7n1fM12g

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Hey, WeiqiTV is back.

The high life

So it's finally here, eh?

It's been a year, and jeez, time flew.
I did not really see it coming.
I'm happy to go back though. I feel like I achieved what I wanted to coming here. I mean, I chased my demons for good, I've started to find my back to who I wanna be. And I've been blessed to live my dream for a few months.
But it does not end here. I learned, I took all I could over the course of 8 months so that I could grow up and go back stronger. And I'm glad I'm going back. I'm excited to see y'all, to wrap my arms around you. Because if there is one thing that this abroad taught me - and though it might be a huge cliché is true -,it is that I came to the realization that part of what I want and need is back home.

It's been another hefty year when it comes to girls, and yet I could not put an end to the success drought. Leah, Chloé, Aryn, Sarah. For some of them I tried, for some I didn't. Some of them I had a shot with, most of them not even in my dreams. One of them changed a few things. Truth be told, a lot of things. So thank you, and happy birthday.

Tonight I just want to celebrate. Even though my last exam was a catastrophe, even though I could not party as much as I would have liked, even though I am one year older. I want to party. I want to look through my window and say thank you for a year I needed and was given the chance to get. There is no denying that. I am grateful.


I am sorry I was away for a year, but be sure that I missed you as much as you missed me.
And you can stop waiting now, everything will be fine.

Because I'll be back soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy9hGvfm-II

"This was really bad"

I got completely torched.
I guess that's the difference between 1d and 1p, eh? It was but a massacre.
I knew that I would lose, but I wish I had played well.
I was ludicrous.
Like, for real.
I was angry with myself.

Then I tried to redeem myself during the tsumego session. I still failed.
I was the best of the failures, but it's not worth much.

And then came the pro study session, where I did better. Because I did not really do anything.

I saw people leave, one after the other, until there was just 4 of us left, in front of a board, watching a game of Ke Jie.
It was the craziest shit.

I was told tonight that I was among the best in the group. That's probably true, and had we taken part into the North-American tournament, I would have made the team.
But is it enough though?

I am not satisfied anymore. It can't be enough to just be where I am at now and think it is good enough, that I can make do with that. It can't be enough if the other guy in the room is completely out of reach. It can't be enough if can still get utterly defeated like tonight.

It is not enough to be good enough.

I think it hit me tonight that it is time I stopped messing around too much, procrastinating for the sake of being good later. I don't wanna be good later anymore.

I want to be good right now.

It took three years. Three damn years. It was long for god's sake.
But at long last, I am willing to acknowledge that I need go, and it makes me sick to relegate that to a pastime. It is a major part of me, of who I am.
And I love it.
So why not hit the reset button and try to do things better this time around?

Because I feel like I am finding my way back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM8GxoC2mPc

Potpourri

Let's start with yesterday, shall we?

I was on the train, on the way back. Tired, a tad disappointed. Not quite bitter, but still.
I was feeling like the defeated army waiting to come back only to be at the mercy of the rotten tomatoes.

I failed.
For the first time in 2 years, I failed.

It feels like my weaknesses have been exposed, like my shell's been cracked. I am vulnerable if not weak, vincible. And yet, it is different this time around. Because I know failure, I've endured it, I've lived though it. And I survived once.
I will again.

Unlike last time, I know this is not the end of the road. I am convinced it well help me become better, build something bigger, try harder.
I think that's what people mean when they say they have a chip on their shoulder.

I don't feel like I have much to prove to anyone but myself, yet that's important enough. And while I won't say I'm already over it, this time, I am looking forward to doing better,
I am not looking backwards wishing I had been.

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It's been a crazy couple of weeks, and truth be told, I don't even know what to make of it. I was so excited to go to the party, to see everyone again; to get a few extra hours with those people one last time. To see you one last time. But you were not there, and though it was a good night, you were missing.
Both in the room,
And in my belly.
I missed having butterflies. I had hoped so much, for so long that you would be there; I had almost wrapped my head around the fact that it was a given. But even though people were there, the living room remained empty.

I don't quite know what to make of you, of me thinking about you. I'm infatuated like I have been before. Your are gradually leaving my mind, but a part of me still keeps you here, somewhere.
I somehow thought that life would make up for Emma. That with you, I would have one last shot, that I could see you one last time. Not to say anything, not to try anything.
Just to see you smiling knowing.
Knowing.
I am not even sure it is that important anymore.


Life did not give me that chance, so I am stuck in the all too familiar existence of sheer luck falling from the sky everywhere except on my heart. I think part of me has made peace with that fact, and the other part still wanna believe that somewhere, someone has the tools to fix what's gone wrong over the years. This is foolish, and perhaps childish, but it does not hurt hoping for the best.
I just feel like the older I get, the slimmer the chances become. And I am fed up looking for a change of pace I am refused every single time. However, nothing proves me it will get better if I just sit there waiting.
The real problem might be that the persona I have created, the standards I try to follow in order to find a girl who would be able to stand by me; those might be too hard.
Deep inside, I am looking for someone who would not hurt me.
I will never find that, that person doesn't exist. I need to be willing to take a blow and deal with it if I want to try and heal the part that has been limping for far too long now, far longer than people think. And more importantly, I have to be ready to be knocked down in order to hang onto that person if I find her.

It's just, I kinda hoped from the bottom of my heart that she would show up.
And it sucks.

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I will go back soon, and it is scary how fast this year's gone by. I know that time flies, I know all that bullshit. I am way too familiar with it. But still, I have a sentiment of incompleteness. I still have a month to make right by god knows what, or just simply enjoy living my life.
I am going back and I've certainly grown up over the course of 8 months. Not necessarily more than I would have had I stayed. It has not triggered any radical change, but those are not what makes you take strides towards something great. The small steps, putting one foot in front of the other; I hold the belief that it is it that keeps us walking, running. And I've made a few. I am fairly happy about it.
Now I will take some of here home in exchange of leaving  part of me in this city. And that won't be easy to say goodbye, not quite as easy as I think it will be right now, that is. But some great things are waiting for me back home. No,
I am excited to go back and create some great things.


The thing I somehow did not think would happen is that I am still growing. I was sure that growing up was a process happening only as a result of pain, grief of anger; and that it ended the moment one was ready to move on.
I am feeling great, I am great. But I have not stopped growing up for that matter.
And it is almost scary, maybe even more so when it is not felt like a need anymore, because that means I don't have much control over it.

And that's fine, but that's weird.

I think the scariest part of growing up is not to be totally unaware of what's next,
but seeing what made you fade in the distance by the moment, before vanishing in the past.

But I don't forget.

You can be sure of that.

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It's been a while, eh? 11 years now, that would almost freak me out if I were to think too much about it.
We were just kids back then, me way more than you.
We are adults now.
You a lot more than me.
And I feel like we didn't do that badly, don't you think? I mean, yeah, we found a a group of pretty sketchy weirdos, some of whom almost make me feel normal sometimes. But they are great weirdos, and when I look back, I don't think I would do any different regarding you, me, us. And god knows I would come back on a lot of things.
But inexplicably, it's been working out so well. I don't even know how.
Well, I have clues and some theories, but they would not be able to explain that bound.
We did a great job regarding that.
Yeah, ok, full disclosure
You've done an awesome job regarding that.

I know I am not the best. I seldom give news (in my defense, I HAVE been pretty busy lately; but it certainly does not apply to the major part of this 11 year span), but I think I am better than Aldo and Nat in that respect. I am still a burden who needs to be looked after at times, though not as much as Ancelin imo. I am really easy to get drunk, but undeniably not as much as Eric.
But one thing is for sure, I am grateful for all you did for me, and are still doing. Meeting you changed the course of my life. I mean, I would not know anything about go, I would never have met Emma; I would not even be writing from here right now if not for Haikira.
I might be ungrateful at times, because I am an imbecile, but I want you to know that I still love you after all these years, and I am proud of the people we met and managed to keep by our sides.
And you know what, more often than not,
I wish you were here.

Happy birthday < 3 _________________________________________________________________________

Someone once told me to stop looking at my feet by fear of tripping.
I've always held this piece of advice high up in my heart.
And though I still have trouble when going down the stairs,
I am seeing the stars way more often ever since.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAHiKI6ovqs

23

Oh shit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A81Z6hGjGJQ

Library

I woke up this morning with goosebumps, I woke up feeling dizzy and uneasy.
It wore on as the day went by.
And in the end, today was not bad.
Today was not bad in any respect.

So I guess, there's that.

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Let's go meet the future, shall we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmLXEmCExIE