Does it bode well?

What the fuck just happened?

Wait, just, pause. Calm down. Let things sink in. Settle down. Yeah, that's better.
Nope, it definitely is not.

I've come to grips with my having a problem. One I need to solve. I mean, I used to be able to hide behind false excuses, pretending I was just a hapless dude, loitering around and always being struck with bad luck. It would work fine. But it's become increasingly difficult of late, as a couple of things started to change. For starters, the opportunities have multiplied. Like, for real. Also, shit's gotten real. It's become downright impossible to ignore the fact that I am the one squandering my love interests . Things are headed towards a binary state, and I am the sole decider of the yes or no. There is no hint of subtlety under which I can take shelter. In my castle of glass, I no longer am the frail king. I am the unmasked jester.
No more capable of concealing the utmost deception - and let's be honest here, I was the most amenable target the whole time - I admitted to others that I, indeed, have been avoiding the problem for too long. The harshest was to admit it to myself.
But what then? I mean, all's good and well but I've long known the inconvenient repercussions of a wicked and damaged mind. I am self-loathing, my ego is in tatters day in and day out. To be fair, both these drawbacks have been, in numerous instances, real pull-ups; unexpectedly fueling a new sense of purpose. But now that my purpose is of age, it is time for you to go; for it is becoming difficult to fathom any kind of viable future with you by the side of the one that would be by my side.
But I digress.
What does it stem from? Come on, it's pretty obvious isn't it?
You know it's with her.

Two years, seven months. That's the time we lasted. That's also the time I've been lasting without we. I had to make good by the milestone. Maybe was it time to conquer the answers I've always been longing for. I should be strong enough by now.

I think I am.
And so I went.

And before I knew it, I was seeing you.
Shit, what did I just do? Is it for real? Why has nothing changed? Am I dreaming? No. Am I freaking out? No. Chillax. Take a deep breath. No, don't take it. Ah, whatever, just go with the flow.

I decided to sail against the stream, because it's high time I started taking chances when it matters most.
So I did.

We said "weird" 6 times. You twice as much as I did. Irrelevant little tidbit. But it was, weird. Especially for my brain. The part of it that never had been able to let you go, to let go of your image; my lost brain as I will call it; was relieved. I felt it. Weird, eh? Feeling your brain. What was disturbing though was the uncanny familiarity of the whole scene. You haven't changed much. You sound the same. The exact same for fuck's sake, like, the most logical thing was perhaps the most shocking one. You look the same, and that's pretty unsettling. The setup was the same, the background identical.
Hence the unpredictable reaction of my lost brain. It snapped. Something flipped.
Back to normal.
Wait, what?
This ain't normal, this is bullshit. But there I was seeing you, and somewhere shallow up, I was like "Yeah, so what? We always see each other at night." I was thrust back a plethora of moments ago, and my lost brain engulfed the stretch of time that had built me in your absence. I would have been ill-advised to give in, that's a given. But it is hard fighting such happiness.
In front of my eyes, somewhere in my head - and, very certainly, in my heart -, you were just here, and it was perfectly ok. Like I had just woken up from an extended sleep and I was recovering my kindred soul.
Come again?
Come on man, it's not how things are. Because she's moved on, and so has she. Get a grip.

And so we started.

After the initial awkwardness, it was nice. It was good. I did not feel resentment. I still had to fight the lost brain to prevent it from swallowing me and burying me into the hole I escaped a few years ago. I managed.

Am I currently managing?
I don't know.

I know I gambled. But I was dealt plenty of good cards, and wasted them over nothing, blaming the stigma. Now I was left with a small pair and the flop was not great, but it was either that or folding.
I said let's go all in.

I' now waiting for the fourth card to be revealed.

Anyways, let's not fool ourselves. This move was not reckless.
When you have nothing, you can't really lose much.

I can't go into specifics yet. I have yet to muster the courage to realize what happened and cope with the oh so unpleasant consequences of my actions. But if I played my hand right -and I can only hope I did- it might assuage the demon inside and help me tame the motherfucker once and for all.

And from there, I can maybe go somewhere.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dude, what an outlandish encounter. I kid you not, I was on the brink of having a me attack.
I appreciate your wanting to get my house in order. You wanna get out of the doghouse, I get it. I respect that. But for REAL? I don't really know what you thought about trying to get her into my house, but oh boy, if this wasn't bold I don't know what is. Whatever man, your little bro was wise enough to keep her on the threshold. I can't even imagine how much damage she would have been able to cause inside. Like, come on, I've barely finished redecorating the place.
Anyways, I can see you're out of the angry teenager phase, and that's good. But that doesn't mean you can use my spare key yet. Thank god for your brother, if he weren't watching you we would be in SUCH a pickle currently. So yeah, get your shit together man.

Cause I'm not ready to move out just yet.

From celibacy with love;
Heart.

Eagles of Death Metal

On l'empêchera jamais de tourner,
faut juste se résigner à bouger avec.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE

Wednesday night

Well it's pretty much the same as 2 weeks ago. But it's pretty dope, and I don't think I would give that up for anything else. Life's been good to me for almost too long.

Carpool

Qui aurait cru que 5 ans, ça voulait rien dire?
Je veux dire, c'est une mesure temporelle, c'est assez relatif comme idée. Même si c'est quand même assez objectif. Et pourtant, quand vous êtes arrivés, j'ai juste eu l'impression de me réveiller d'une trop longue nuit, d'un rêve un peu trop réel. Tout était différent, et pourtant c'était pareil.

Les choses changent, elles évoluent, elles affectent l'environnement et la météo.
Nous on s'adapte pour s'en sortir au mieux dans le nouvel écosystème. C'est instinctif.

Et pourtant dans le fond, on change pas vraiment, si?

Parce que quand on s'est fait un câlin, j'ai pas été replongé en arrière, j'ai pas été nostalgique, j'ai pas senti de coupure psychologique. Vous étiez juste là, comme quand Mike était venu me voir. Vous êtes là.

Et je crois que dans le fond de mon cerveau, c'est la "normalité". Quelque part là-dedans, votre absence a été ressentie comme une anomalie, répertoriée comme une erreur qui, si elle n'était pas fatale, se devait d'être effaçée à un moment. Et quand elle a disparu, ces 5 années ne se sont pas envolées avec, mais elles sont passées au second plan. Comme si elles avaient été effecués en voulant absolument cacher un problème essentiel.

J'ai vécu depuis, j'ai grandi, j'ai eu mal; mais ça n'avait pas beaucoup d'importance. C'était moi, c'était vous.

C'était nous.

Et nous était une grosse partie de moi qui me manquait.

Quand Id est arrivé et que je vous ai vu tous les trois là, j'ai réalisé quelque chose. C'est qu'une grande partie du malaise inexplicable de ses dernières années, du problème impossible, de ce qui m'empêchait de me sentir complètement épanoui; c'était pas le manque auquel je pensais. J'ai juste pas cherché au bon endroit, j'ai pas creusé là où il fallait. C'est pour ça que je trouvais rien, et que je continuais obstinément sans plus trop de conviction.

J'ai juste été con.

Quand vous étiez là à rire devant moi, quelque chose de bizarre s'est produit. J'ai retrouvé une clef que j'avais perdue il y a trop longtemps. Bien sur, il manquait Bigo; bien sur sans lui ça ne pouvait pas être complet, mais même. J'ai senti mon coeur reprendre des couleurs. J'ai senti la vie comprendre la route. J'ai senti mon sourire s'étendre un peu plus.

Et j'en avais plus trop rien à faire du monde cette nuit là pour être honnête, j'ai laissé mon existence exister.

Et je l'ai regardée avancer toute seule sans avoir à la pousser pour la première fois depuis longtemps.

J'ai finallement réussi à retrouver le bon chemin. Pourquoi je m'en étais éloigné à la base, déjà?

Je sais plus.

J'ai oublié.

On s'en fout maintenant.

On a pu parler, on a pu rire, on a pu juste être ensemble, sans même aller chercher plus loin.

Et le lendemain, à un moment dans la voiture, j'ai oublié que j'étais là avec vous. Et quand j'ai rouvert les yeux et que j'ai regardé autour de moi, je jure que la seule chose que je me suis dite,

C'est que ce voyage était le meilleur de ma vie.

Et j'ai plus envie de continuer ce voyage sans vous.

Je suis plus fort avec vous. 

Je suis juste plus heureux avec vous.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Hey guys can you smell that?

Cuz to me, it really smells like the good ol' days

Fall

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXbtic7aY0A

Hoarse

And it feels like your stomach is folding on itself, struggling and trying to hold onto something, as if it were drowning - even though there is not a single place to drown into. Butterflies don't fly, but they sure as hell make noise, they sure as fuck disturb the local environment. It doesn't hurt, it's more like if bittersweet were an ache.  I am ailing, but I somehow enjoy it. I mean, I'm too old to keep my hopes high, but too young to give up on that kind of moments. It slaps the guts across the face, it pisses the brain in one too many ways; but most importantly, it stirs up the heart's interest. Bored and blue, like a little kid playing with the same old rusty toys in the corner of the room, it compels him to look up. It triggers curiosity at the very least, and though it is common knowledge that it won't last, it's a nice reminder that hope is not dead weight.
These moments don't last, but they provide the key to the whole thing. For a little while, it feels like the last piece I've been longing for might exist; since every once in a long while, I come across a temporary replacement that fits. The shape is peculiar, yet the puzzle seems to become solvable. Now I just lack the right colors and patterns.
They just help me reach completeness for a few minutes, when I am fully aware of the objective ludicrousness embedded in such instants.

Hadn't always thought I could stoop so high.

I'm itching at the normality of the high life, or the uniqueness of a normal life. Either way, this is enough to explain why I relapse every so often, because injecting this little something just helps me hear colors I thought extinct, see sounds I assumed had disappeared, live outside of my box for a moment suspended in time and space when, where, my soul can borderline-overdose.

It never lasts too long, for reality calls back with a kick in the balls more often than not, but that's the price to pay I guess. You win some, you lose some.
Well,
You win none, you lose a lot.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"Cupid, my dear friend,
Long time no see pal, how u been doing as of late? Nvm, let's cut to the chase, I don't really like small talk.
We haven't seen each other in a while and all, but I am ready to forgive and forget past mistakes from both sides. Water under the bridge dude. Talking about water, what about we just get a drink of something else and talk business sometime? That'd be dope-ish.
I heard you came by yesterday but I wasn't here. Feel free to try again tmrw or next week though, I should be back. I'll open the door, but whatever shit you need to do after that is up to you.
C u soon I hope, you filthy bastard.
Best whatever.

-Heart

P.S.: If you see Brain on the way, tell him he's gotta stop trying to break in. This asshole's broken far too many windows; and I have bigger fish to fry than dealing with his kleptomania. Also, I'm broke, so It'd be nice of him to replace 'em himself. It'd be much appreciated.

_________________________________________________________________________________

17-0 at halftime despite the awful pick, not bad eh?

Throwing motion

The overall euphoria did not last long.
Let me reformulate that.
The overall euphoria did not last long.
Ah, what the hell.

It was second and inches, I was but sure to make the first down. Yet here I was, fourth and 9, and all but forced to punt the ball away.
How frustrating.
Great team effort though.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I am not even sad, or bitter. I'm surprisingly alright. Maybe even better.
I mean, I was disappointed for a moment, but when all is said and done, it allows me to focus on real things.
In the end, induced thought-euthanasia is not that bad an idea.
Let it become another cold case, stored on the shelf between the infamous sentimental suicides and the failed attempts to rekindle things that never were. At least this one is empty enough.

I am just back to the all-too-familiar square one. How come I don't get to earn the 20,000 USD whenever it happens? I would be filthy wealthy by now.

_____________________________________________________________________________


I think that deep inside, I wish I had gotten the first down. But after that, you have to travel another 10 yards, and it's getting harder as the defense is getting more packed and more alert. Mistakes are way more fatal. Defenses are tougher to read when you enter the red zone.
I got benched after the first drive, so I won't blunder the game away. No mishap, no fumble, no bad-decision making. No brutal interception.
I had an okay run, one good play, a questionable scramble, and a dropped pass.
Nobody can really blame me for 3 plays. And with so little playing time, my QB rating can't look too bad.
After all, I've come to grips with the coach's decision.
I'm a backup for life.
In this franchise anyway.

But gosh it has to feel good scoring a touchdown. I've long forgotten what celebrating in the end zone feels like but I think that, secretly,
I'd like to score at least one more time in my life.

So let's cheer to this guys
Until next game.


I tested my arm earlier tonight.
My throwing motion is intact. I am faster than ever it seems.
Well, talk about a bad omen...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-szw05TwQk