EGIC

There will be times the ride won't go as well as I wanted to, there is no changing that.
I hit a speed bump and was not given much time to get back on my feet. I was hit hard before I could fully come to my senses. And here I am, moving forward like a zombie, hurt, but these wounds wouldn't kill me. They are not nearly strong enough to compel me to reboot, hence I am but locked inside this uncomfortable state in which I go forward because I don't really know any other way but, truth be told, I suffered a couple of blows which slashed through and opened deep, profound cuts. They're not bleeding though. They won't rid of the poison, they remain infected. I don't feel good. I don't feel right.
I hate to disappoint myself.
I am needfully questioning, reconsidering, reassessing my calling, whether I fit. Whether I deserve to be where I am in the first place.
I had it coming I guess. I got a tad too sluggish in my house of cards, idling, looking down on whoever by fear of falling back down, heckling who I wanted not to be again. My pain had to be enough to sustain that authority. But I got thrown away from the throne. My paper crown isn't worth what I thought it was.
I'm not gonna say it's for the better. It's not.
But now that I'm back down where I started, it feels like all of it was for nothing. All of it has been for nothing. I am a fallen whatever, and it does not matter if it's climbing up there or going through the crowd,
I'm not going anywhere I feel like I belong.
I am not getting over it yet.
So I get work done to work myself down, I use the blades that attempted to lacerate my mind to cut the dangling limbs, knowing the whole thing is already contaminated. I've lived with venom running through my veins before. I can most definitely do it again. So I chop off what I feel failed, to take my mind off the fact that my mind is constantly self-inflicting contempt, undercutting what had préviously been established as viable parts of me. The view is blocked on some paths I was eager to follow. I am waiting for the blades to show me which way to clear out next, which ways to weed out.
I hold the belief that I will fall back and promptly be back on my feet. I will fall back on my feet. Unfortunately, I cannot get too acquainted with resignation and surrender. I will painstakingly look for the harbinger that would usher me onto my new road.
But for now, all I see are bad omens, unresolvable conundrums and unheralded catastrophes. This is how my mind shields itself, hoping for the worst. It is not very effective. It gets lonely in there, conviction-wise. Yet I keep trying, because it is what I have always done in my oxy-moronic existence; struggling to make something out of something I am not made for. I am attracted to what I hate, I secretely long for what I was denied. I am never on the same page with life. I never agree with what is supposed to have been decided from the get-go.
This is the burden of being hopelessly hopeful.

I am not really fine these days. I am just trying to find my way awkwardly through the life I chose against its will and that seems to remind me of it once in a while. The only thing that will show which one of us was right all along will be at the picket line. I am possibly headed towards a huge manhole for all I know, but maybe I'll get a shot at proving there is something good in that. Maybe there is something genuinely good. Maybe there is.

Let's slap the momentum across the face for a bit to see what happens.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Christmas is upon us, and yet when I look outside,

I see no snow.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHhkd2B87Q8&list=PLalVktpBrfW2UvvpALP7yhw0YH2n-JSRw

Citron pressé

What's up, buddy? I heard you were feeling down of late.
All your friends left for life, and you chose to stay here.
But by yourself.
And now you're questioning whether you were right or wrong.
Come on now, get your shit together. You know you did things right. You always do in the end.

You can't keep a good man down.
Life can't keep you down.

I mean, you know life has not always flown our way. Well actually, it'd be more accurate to say that it has quite a handful of times, but we failed to grab what it jettisoned on the trail. That's never been a big deal. At least that was not back then. You just get up, shrug it off and forget about it.

This is the warrior I know.

I guess it piled up, eh? It leaves dust on your shoulders each and every time. And now it's a bit too much for you do the heavy lifting. I get that.
But that's not you bro.

You are not the kind of person to give up. Sure, it's challenging to see people leave, one after the other. You wish you were as well, departing for somewhere on the path of destination life. And truth be told, it would be hypocritical of me to say I've been there. I'm always the one to go first, just so I can avoid being the one left behind.
I left you.
I don't regret it.
But I still feel guilty about it.

And I can get a grip of what you feel. Remorse or  regret. Yet you had something, someone to stay for. You can't rewind.

Dude you're 23. And I know it's easy for me to say, because while not really having been places, I've had the chance to stop a couple of times along the ride. But you are. And life is waiting for you.
It really is.

You feel alone and I'm sorry about that. I am sorry because I have not been there for you. But I've been here for you.
I'm always in far away places, but I don't forget. You gave me 2 of my best years, almost all by yourself. You were not the most present when I collapsed, but you certainly were paramount in my recovery. You were my crutch, and so much more. And when I finally was healthy enough, I flew away. But you, my man, are a central piece in my life. You're family. You're a brother of mine.
I wouldn't be who I am today, and I would never have been able to achieve it all without you by my side. You've been my staple. And that's etched in my soul for lives.
And I can't stand knowing you're in a bad place.
I just wanna kick your ass the way you'd kick mine.

I'm thankful to you for countless things. We built memories together. Together. And you made me stronger, so much more than I could have become without you.
And I know, it's not a husk. I know beneath the surface you are feisty for existence; otherwise you wouldn't get hurt; not this way.
You're certainly more relentless than I could be in my worst days.

So fight back, mind-wrestle the shit out of this son of a bitch of a life. Cuz you definitely have a shot.
And you're not alone in this.
She loves you, and that is the only victory that conveys any meaning when weighing success against failure.

You did make the right choice.




Nobody's home, and that's gotta be a heartsore, but don't let the sinking feeling fill in; because before you'll know it;

I'll get there.

Does it bode well?

What the fuck just happened?

Wait, just, pause. Calm down. Let things sink in. Settle down. Yeah, that's better.
Nope, it definitely is not.

I've come to grips with my having a problem. One I need to solve. I mean, I used to be able to hide behind false excuses, pretending I was just a hapless dude, loitering around and always being struck with bad luck. It would work fine. But it's become increasingly difficult of late, as a couple of things started to change. For starters, the opportunities have multiplied. Like, for real. Also, shit's gotten real. It's become downright impossible to ignore the fact that I am the one squandering my love interests . Things are headed towards a binary state, and I am the sole decider of the yes or no. There is no hint of subtlety under which I can take shelter. In my castle of glass, I no longer am the frail king. I am the unmasked jester.
No more capable of concealing the utmost deception - and let's be honest here, I was the most amenable target the whole time - I admitted to others that I, indeed, have been avoiding the problem for too long. The harshest was to admit it to myself.
But what then? I mean, all's good and well but I've long known the inconvenient repercussions of a wicked and damaged mind. I am self-loathing, my ego is in tatters day in and day out. To be fair, both these drawbacks have been, in numerous instances, real pull-ups; unexpectedly fueling a new sense of purpose. But now that my purpose is of age, it is time for you to go; for it is becoming difficult to fathom any kind of viable future with you by the side of the one that would be by my side.
But I digress.
What does it stem from? Come on, it's pretty obvious isn't it?
You know it's with her.

Two years, seven months. That's the time we lasted. That's also the time I've been lasting without we. I had to make good by the milestone. Maybe was it time to conquer the answers I've always been longing for. I should be strong enough by now.

I think I am.
And so I went.

And before I knew it, I was seeing you.
Shit, what did I just do? Is it for real? Why has nothing changed? Am I dreaming? No. Am I freaking out? No. Chillax. Take a deep breath. No, don't take it. Ah, whatever, just go with the flow.

I decided to sail against the stream, because it's high time I started taking chances when it matters most.
So I did.

We said "weird" 6 times. You twice as much as I did. Irrelevant little tidbit. But it was, weird. Especially for my brain. The part of it that never had been able to let you go, to let go of your image; my lost brain as I will call it; was relieved. I felt it. Weird, eh? Feeling your brain. What was disturbing though was the uncanny familiarity of the whole scene. You haven't changed much. You sound the same. The exact same for fuck's sake, like, the most logical thing was perhaps the most shocking one. You look the same, and that's pretty unsettling. The setup was the same, the background identical.
Hence the unpredictable reaction of my lost brain. It snapped. Something flipped.
Back to normal.
Wait, what?
This ain't normal, this is bullshit. But there I was seeing you, and somewhere shallow up, I was like "Yeah, so what? We always see each other at night." I was thrust back a plethora of moments ago, and my lost brain engulfed the stretch of time that had built me in your absence. I would have been ill-advised to give in, that's a given. But it is hard fighting such happiness.
In front of my eyes, somewhere in my head - and, very certainly, in my heart -, you were just here, and it was perfectly ok. Like I had just woken up from an extended sleep and I was recovering my kindred soul.
Come again?
Come on man, it's not how things are. Because she's moved on, and so has she. Get a grip.

And so we started.

After the initial awkwardness, it was nice. It was good. I did not feel resentment. I still had to fight the lost brain to prevent it from swallowing me and burying me into the hole I escaped a few years ago. I managed.

Am I currently managing?
I don't know.

I know I gambled. But I was dealt plenty of good cards, and wasted them over nothing, blaming the stigma. Now I was left with a small pair and the flop was not great, but it was either that or folding.
I said let's go all in.

I' now waiting for the fourth card to be revealed.

Anyways, let's not fool ourselves. This move was not reckless.
When you have nothing, you can't really lose much.

I can't go into specifics yet. I have yet to muster the courage to realize what happened and cope with the oh so unpleasant consequences of my actions. But if I played my hand right -and I can only hope I did- it might assuage the demon inside and help me tame the motherfucker once and for all.

And from there, I can maybe go somewhere.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dude, what an outlandish encounter. I kid you not, I was on the brink of having a me attack.
I appreciate your wanting to get my house in order. You wanna get out of the doghouse, I get it. I respect that. But for REAL? I don't really know what you thought about trying to get her into my house, but oh boy, if this wasn't bold I don't know what is. Whatever man, your little bro was wise enough to keep her on the threshold. I can't even imagine how much damage she would have been able to cause inside. Like, come on, I've barely finished redecorating the place.
Anyways, I can see you're out of the angry teenager phase, and that's good. But that doesn't mean you can use my spare key yet. Thank god for your brother, if he weren't watching you we would be in SUCH a pickle currently. So yeah, get your shit together man.

Cause I'm not ready to move out just yet.

From celibacy with love;
Heart.

Eagles of Death Metal

On l'empêchera jamais de tourner,
faut juste se résigner à bouger avec.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE

Wednesday night

Well it's pretty much the same as 2 weeks ago. But it's pretty dope, and I don't think I would give that up for anything else. Life's been good to me for almost too long.

Carpool

Qui aurait cru que 5 ans, ça voulait rien dire?
Je veux dire, c'est une mesure temporelle, c'est assez relatif comme idée. Même si c'est quand même assez objectif. Et pourtant, quand vous êtes arrivés, j'ai juste eu l'impression de me réveiller d'une trop longue nuit, d'un rêve un peu trop réel. Tout était différent, et pourtant c'était pareil.

Les choses changent, elles évoluent, elles affectent l'environnement et la météo.
Nous on s'adapte pour s'en sortir au mieux dans le nouvel écosystème. C'est instinctif.

Et pourtant dans le fond, on change pas vraiment, si?

Parce que quand on s'est fait un câlin, j'ai pas été replongé en arrière, j'ai pas été nostalgique, j'ai pas senti de coupure psychologique. Vous étiez juste là, comme quand Mike était venu me voir. Vous êtes là.

Et je crois que dans le fond de mon cerveau, c'est la "normalité". Quelque part là-dedans, votre absence a été ressentie comme une anomalie, répertoriée comme une erreur qui, si elle n'était pas fatale, se devait d'être effaçée à un moment. Et quand elle a disparu, ces 5 années ne se sont pas envolées avec, mais elles sont passées au second plan. Comme si elles avaient été effecués en voulant absolument cacher un problème essentiel.

J'ai vécu depuis, j'ai grandi, j'ai eu mal; mais ça n'avait pas beaucoup d'importance. C'était moi, c'était vous.

C'était nous.

Et nous était une grosse partie de moi qui me manquait.

Quand Id est arrivé et que je vous ai vu tous les trois là, j'ai réalisé quelque chose. C'est qu'une grande partie du malaise inexplicable de ses dernières années, du problème impossible, de ce qui m'empêchait de me sentir complètement épanoui; c'était pas le manque auquel je pensais. J'ai juste pas cherché au bon endroit, j'ai pas creusé là où il fallait. C'est pour ça que je trouvais rien, et que je continuais obstinément sans plus trop de conviction.

J'ai juste été con.

Quand vous étiez là à rire devant moi, quelque chose de bizarre s'est produit. J'ai retrouvé une clef que j'avais perdue il y a trop longtemps. Bien sur, il manquait Bigo; bien sur sans lui ça ne pouvait pas être complet, mais même. J'ai senti mon coeur reprendre des couleurs. J'ai senti la vie comprendre la route. J'ai senti mon sourire s'étendre un peu plus.

Et j'en avais plus trop rien à faire du monde cette nuit là pour être honnête, j'ai laissé mon existence exister.

Et je l'ai regardée avancer toute seule sans avoir à la pousser pour la première fois depuis longtemps.

J'ai finallement réussi à retrouver le bon chemin. Pourquoi je m'en étais éloigné à la base, déjà?

Je sais plus.

J'ai oublié.

On s'en fout maintenant.

On a pu parler, on a pu rire, on a pu juste être ensemble, sans même aller chercher plus loin.

Et le lendemain, à un moment dans la voiture, j'ai oublié que j'étais là avec vous. Et quand j'ai rouvert les yeux et que j'ai regardé autour de moi, je jure que la seule chose que je me suis dite,

C'est que ce voyage était le meilleur de ma vie.

Et j'ai plus envie de continuer ce voyage sans vous.

Je suis plus fort avec vous. 

Je suis juste plus heureux avec vous.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Hey guys can you smell that?

Cuz to me, it really smells like the good ol' days

Fall

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXbtic7aY0A