725

Hey Emma,

It's been some time uh? I hope you are well. I genuinely do.
We need to talk.
Or rather, I need to talk.

It has been almost 6 years. That's a long-ass time, 6 years. Enough to get into you own head and dwell on the littlest things until they drive you crazy. Enough to self-sabotage at every turn, because I am not fooling anyone, I've been plotting to fuck up every single one of my relationships to keep the spot open for you in case you'd come back. You won't come back, but it did not feel like any of them was worth it anyway.
Nostalgia goggles will do that to you.
Nobody could ever live up to your legacy, to who you were. Everybody always came up way too short. You left me stranded on an island of my own making, and it is true that as time went by the sea eventally simmered down.
But it did not matter.
I was still lost.

It does not feel like I went through the 6 degrees of separation. It feels like I went through dozens of them. And I would fail over and over again, trying to switch gears to no avail. Rinse and repeat this cycle of self-imposed misery.
The memory of you was an obstacle I couldn't overcome despite my best intentions. I tried, mind you, but probably not that hard though. So I crafted a reality where you were nowhere to be found and yet ubiquitous. I made you a deity in this universe, some almighty idea that governed my world and possessed my heart. I prayed to the memory of us and preached to others. I locked myself up in a cult built around the idea of you.
Not even us.
Because I barely remember what we were like together.

I have forgotten your laughs, I have forgotten your smiles, your little quirks, your voice, the way you looked at me, the way you looked at the world, your tears. After a while, I started forgetting you and you more by the day. So I glorified who you used to be and made someone up in my mind, a phantom that would stay by my side and help me plough through my crippling loneliness. It was not you. It never really was. But it did not matter, I was a vessel to corrosive regrets and noxious depression. It was retribution, it was my way to atone for my sins. The only way I could come up with.
Hurting to stop hurting.
It did not work.

And so I was stuck, I was stuck in a life where I would do anything to get away from your invisible, smothering grasp. I fell at every single turn, trying to take my heart off of you. The more painful the better. The rationale was, if I can find someone to hurt me more than you still do, it will conceal you somehow.
Peel off my skin to remove the scars.
That's how I accepted to be treated like shit, that's how I was okay with someone physically and emotionally battering me. Heck, I secretly reveled in the idea that it would distract me for a hot minute.

And it became a masochistic addiction.
Scour life for anything that would give me a kick, anything that would make me feel alive beyond you.
Fuck me up, fuck me up, fuck me the fuck up. I'm too far gone now anyway.
Sure, I would go cold turkey every so often, sometimes for long periods of time. But I relapsed every chance I got, because I couldn't quench my thirst for that high I got when I stooped to low.
Fuel my self-loathing, nurture my seething anger, and don't forget to crush my trust in others in the process.
I wanted to believe that my heart was broken beyond repair and embrace the shards, feel them dig into my skin and make my soul shriek. I just longed to feel something again.

It's been almost 6 years during which I lied to myself to keep my promise that I would forever wait for you.
So I tried to make do with this wreck of a heart, to free up some little corner in this factory of sadness, but it was never enough, because you take up too much damn space.
6 years of living with a ghost by my side, day in and day out, of sharing who I am with the festering corpse of our relationship.
But the time has come for me to kick you out
Because it's finally time for someone else to move in
And she needs the space you're still taking

 _____________________________________________________________________________

___________________

It took me 6 years to find you. Or rather, it took you 6 years to find me. The longest game of hide and seek in my life.
It took you a mere 5 weeks to convince me that I was not a hopeless piece of shit. It took you 4 more weeks to prove it.

I was not expecting you. You just appeared one day out of the blue, without warning. I guess that's always how it is.
You kept knocking on the door, ever so gently, so patiently, and I was itching to open, I was itching to connect. But I waited. I waited for the timing to be right because I understood that for the first time, I wanted to let someone in.
Because I knew
That you would change my life.
Because you don't feed into my addictions. I don't feel that temporary bliss just to collapse the very next minute. You don't hurt like... Wait, you just don't hurt.
Shit, I am not hurting anymore.

I know it is not as simple as we both wished it were. Because my time here has an expiration date. And it is a weird thing for a relationship to have a set date when everything will change that you can actually circle on the calendar with a sharpie. It is at once depressing, disconcerting, and oddly reassuring. Because I will be gone in a few months, and it is something we have both accepted.
Or something we both pretend we did, when neither of us is actually okay with it.
So we freak out, it's inevitable. Every once in a while, everything suddenly goes south and we have to sink or swim.
But I truly believe we can swim.
Because I'm tired of sitting idly by on this tiny island in my head.

She does not need to show me colors, or sounds. She sobers my heart up and it stops retching and throwing up.

I know y'all tell me there's the age gap, you tell me about the cultural barrier, about the ticking clock,
But who gives a shit
Look at her
Look at how beautiful she is

Look at how her smile is thz antidote to all the sadness in my head. Look at how it breathes meaning into a life that has felt so full of shit and so empty of hope for far too long. Look at how it awakens something strange behind this ribcage and fleshes it out every time she looks into my soul with those hazel eyes.
Look into mine, look how wide I can open them now that she is by my side. I no longer need to squint and pretend that beauty is out there somewhere. It is right here
You are right here next to me

Listen to her laugh, listen to how my heart skips a beat when she cracks up. Listen to how it's playing music again at every teehee. Listen and shut up, just like my head for as long as she has been here. Listen to the silence of my self-diagnosed chemical imbalance, of my crippling depression and sporadic suicidal urges. Listen to her, listen to her voice and how it soothes me when I feel like falling back into the same old patterns, to how she can pull me back up with a single word and make life almost as beautiful as she is.

I am so good with her. I don't live in fear of everything that life could throw at us, I don't feel inadequate in a relationship for the very first time. It does not just feel right.
It is right.
I don't know what happiness is supposed to look like, but there is one thing I know for sure
If happiness has a face
Then it looks a whole lot like you.

You make me happy like nobody ever before, and I am failing as a translator because I don't have words to convey what you mean to me. You've flipped the script, you've changed the game. And when I go, it is gonna the hardest thing I have to do in my entire life.
But that's okay.
That's okay.
Because every second life gives me with you is a moment I will cherish forever. Every time you breathe on my chest I take a mental snapshot of the rush I get, every crumb of this slice of life we're sharing is another star in my eyes that life won't ever be able to take away from me. Every joke, every  touch, every look, every text, every grimace helps me picture a future where you are holding my hand for better or for worse.

And yesterday when I was tailspinning, you sat there next to me and waxed newly-acquired knowledge about coffee, and I looked at you. And I realized that everything so far had led up to you.
It won't be easy, but as long as we are together
We'll make it through
Together
Thank you for that, and so much more you don't know.

So, farewell Emma. Once upon a time I loved you with all that my heart could bear, and I thought that I could never do that ever again, regardless of how much I grew up or at least struggled to.
But someone is proving me wrong every day now, and you can't stay here. Because I don't want you anymore.
I want her by my side.
And nobody but her.
Thank you for everything, I hope you're happy.
Because thanks to her I am.


Hi Alex,
I'm sorry, it's a little messy in here. But I believe that after some cleaning up, you will feel right at home. I really hope so.
Welcome to my life

Moose

I find it almost riveting how some people in stable and long-standing relationships seem to rejoice in just sitting back and watching others struggle to utter words that must be very right at a very wrong time. How pawning off their butterflies and dreaming by proxy seems even more exhilarating to them than sitting in the driver's seat . According to some who have experienced this bliss at my own expense a couple of times, it procures more than just collateral temporary ellatedness, but rather a strong sense of achievement - the substance of which the recipient gets none. A hapless circus animal that has to carry out the routine as best it can sans rehearsal, while the trainer receives all the laurels at the end. I does not feel good.

I had not felt goosebumps in a while. That is mainly because I do my utmost to prevent getting myself in a position that would trigger dicey stomach movements and excess sweat. See, I despise not being in full control of what is happening to me - even when I get out of my comfort zone, I make sure to take my security blanket with me.
I hate goosebumps for I am a chicken.

That is why I have long thrown in the towel and stopped hoping for love to come out of the blue. Because even when it does, my right brain is too gauche to make anything out of it. To my defence, my only real relationships both ended in a disaster, completely different they may have been. 2 really does a number on you. It has taken a toll in the long run and hope has grown scarce. It hturned into where's Waldo? and my heart is terrible at pinpointing hope's location or even coming up with a consistent pattern for finding it. As a result, I have worked into my brain the assumption that it was not worth it, that this whole thing had hit a point of diminishing returns, and I am not interested in chasing a downward spiral anymore. Look at me, I am all grown-up.

I don't have an explanation for what happened. It was Sarah all over again and I fell right for her magnificent awkwardness. The booze helped. Fatigue helped. The others' excruciating banter helped.
And I guess resignation did the rest.
I gave up before my eyes gazed into hers. I did not care much, I just wanted to get it over with. There was nothing magical or enjoyable about these few seconds of inflated self-consciousness.
I do not know how it works. Last time I did something this cute and stupid it was with Marion 9 years ago. Look where it got me. I know what I am supposed to say, how I am supposed to say it, the face I am supposed to make. My brain has learned to pull a fairly good impersonation at my heartstrings. Yet nothing never goes as planned. I botch it and have to break out of character, stuttering what gibberish my brain jettisons from my sanity.
With you it was when you opened your eyes wide the very moment I dropped beautiful.
I could not see it to the end as scripted. I forgot my lines and made a fool of myself in front of what was then my own world - you.
But maybe that is what makes me human? Maybe that is what birthed this tornado of uncontainable feelings I cannot figure out how to get rid of.

I have been feeling small, miserable, incredibly sad, ludicrous - you name it. You kicked me out of my safe haven without even trying to get in. I got the eviction letter too late. My cynisism is withering away and I am afraid what's been buried deep inside might come forth.
I hate you hope, because you stop making me feel like shit to make me feel something way worse.
I feel like throwing up every time my phone rings. My heart is throbbing every time the screen lights up.
Which is unfortunate because I am not young enough anymore to believe you would call.
So why does my body display such insubordination to my brain? Why did Heart back up such a mistake of an endeavor?
And why don't Guts speak up against this nonsense?

The fortress I have built over time has not allowed me to feel the world adequately. Love, or even just infatuation remains to me a  much hostile unchartered territory.  I feel through thoughts like a teenager and think feelings like an adult. This discrepancy fucks it all up - I don't know which I should follow.
I am more alive than I have been in years, and it hurts so bad. My brain had no grounds to rope me in. And now disappointment is lurking and waiting to wolf poor little heart down.
Well, I guess I had it coming after crying wolf so many times before.
A cautionary tale for...what for exactly?
I can't help but believe that degausser failed for a reason. It was not an overlook or bad design, or even an unfortunate chain of events.
She was simply stronger. Her eyes thawed my stone-cold ribcage while her smile was busy fleshing out my flatlining feelings box.
I had lost before she said anything. Just look at my entire body smarting because I am stupid.

You had me before hello.

Now what is funny is that from your perspective, I was surely no more than a clumsy creep who gave you a number you will make sure never to call. Yet, despite the fairly staggering ache I've been saddled with, and even if just for the stilted "sure",
I guess it was kinda worth it.

I am still the exact same fool. I still snowball little nothings into dreams way bigger than me. I still make a fuss and become a mess for no reason. I still pull an Icarus even though I am far too weak to actually reach a single star. And I still forget to ask the names of the ones that make me waste hours on end on this shameful and self-centered diary.

In the end, I had yet again lost the race, but I guess I still wanted to cross the finish line one more time, hoping that maybe, one day,
I will be holding more than the baton my former selves keep handing off to me.




Shit, I really hoped you'd call.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I turned up, and the moment I saw you waiting tables,

I knew I had to stop just waiting for tables to turn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXp6dq5jg1g

My crooked bed

We were having dinner at a very nice restaurant yesterday evening. I was there with my mom and Nat, who had not seen each other for like, 5 years.
I had had a terribly shitty day. The kind of days that make you wanna quit without sleeping on it.
And as mom scrolled down and swiped left and right on her phone to find some picture - and it felt kind of like she was actually trying to find her way in a giant matricial maze to little success - she happened to come across a picture of me and her.
It did not take her long, as she seemed to instantly realize the pecadillo, to change course accordingly - and yet it awakened the dormant sadness melanoma in my guts. Its roots expanded to my brain and to my heart and I felt sick to my stomach for a moment. I calmed myself down eventually, after a few never-ending seconds of hard work.
The remainder of the evening went fine.
I was exhausted upon coming home, and on the way back I really, truly thought a singular thought,
God I miss you.
And what I missed at that moment was not just the affection, the false sense of love or the shallow desire for physical mingling. It was you I missed, with all your faults, your ugliness and everything in between.
I felt terrible when I finally laid down in my bed. Trapped, in a game of monopoly in which I can seldom afford anything without it being taken away, and unable to drop out. Going in squares.
Because going in circles certainly is counterproductive, but at the very least, the angles are pretty smooth and the trajectory straight-forward, or at least so to speak.
With the square, you do feel like you're doing fine: you just have to go ahead, period. Even easier this way, right? The problem is, at some point, you run into a corner. Literally run into it.
It kind of mars the whole my-life-is-going-okay vibe you took time to build along the straight line.

The both of us, we were a crucial mistake, a heavy misunderstanding. But we weren't heavy per se.
I mean, 250 pounds together, that sounds about right.
Yet my bed is a piece of junk, just like most stuff in my place, and a couple days ago it broke for no good reason. Now I have to sleep in a crooked bed because of you, even though you are nonexistant in my present.
This sucks.

It's not the only consequence of my putting too much hope in a story that was dead on arrival- I all but hate my study material, and it's almost succeeding at disgusting me of one of the things I hold dearest to heart altogether. The only buddy I could rely on to get me through the day is not here half of the time - and while I am in class cursing myself, he is shagging my ex.
I write, even though I don't enjoy writing; I even took up drawing again, all to take my mind off the fact that this has probably been, all things considered,
The worst year of my life so far.



2017, dude, I'm so looking forward to meeting you.

Webcomic

I miss looking at the stars from my window. From here, the sky is just black.
I truly miss the stars.
Just like I miss the snow.
Will I even be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of white snow slowly falling to the ground?
It would surely help.
I need it.

My heart has exploded. My brain is numb from the meds, the alcohol and whatnot, everything that keeps it from sabotaging me more than it already is. My guts? They're about to give.
There is not much beyond praying for time to show up, but it looks like it can never happen soon enough when you need it. Yet it's always here to snatch the good moments away from you when you stumble upon one.
Time is the worst son of a bitch of them all.

I still long for tomorrow. I mean, you've got to, otherwise what's all this been for?
I'm dysfunctional. My head was not wired for this world. My heart was born prematurely, it misses the layers that are supposed to give it a handful of extra lives. As a result? Scarcity.

Yet I'd like to believe that out there, somewhere, at that exact moment, there is someone who's given up as well. That she is here on her bed thinking that she will never complete the puzzle.
I'd like to think I hold the missing piece.
But if there is one important thing I've finally understood, it's that
I'd also really, really, really like to think she holds mine.

I'm tired of this zero-sum game. I'm dying to give, but in the end maybe there is someone who can give in return? Somewhere, out there?
I might never come across her. But dreaming is free.
And it is basically the only thing stopping me from overdosing on despair, sadness and benzos.

I've always been a dreamer, have I not? And it's always come back to bite me in the ass so far.
But if there is a small chance for me to find someone for whom it's not a deal-breaker

Well maybe it's worth going forward,
And hoping for snowflakes to fall come Christmas.

***

"Ne pas aller vers l’autre, ne pas le rencontrer à mi-chemin et ne pas s’attarder, c’est prendre le risque de vivre dans sa propre ombre, de perdre l’opportunité d’être surpris, de découvrir et de se découvrir.
Aller vers l’autre, c’est prendre tous les autres risques."
-monboubou

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MneRtx7x2vs&index=2&list=LLuDOPgKOCIHjDvocYlryqkA

Thanks giving

It seems pointless to attempt to understand where or why it went wrong. I have a few pointers at my disposal that lead me to a handful of worthy candidates., yet what would be the point to point at the exact point everything got awry?

Repetition, just like the impulses my brain seems amenable, if not adamant to inflict on my chest. Every single last detail of what allegedly happened taking life in the back of my eyes, and I am powerless to stop this phenomenon. I've been doing a better job distancing my ribcage from the immediate damage on impact. The sharp pain remains identical, yet I've managed to shelter the relevant parts so as to only subject them to the kickback.
So it hurts still, but at least there's some sort of numbing sensation that helps coping.

I still don't really know what now. I had pretty much planned everything around you, around us. And you did not exist in the end. So that means that us has always been me, and just me. Which is contradictory though, because if I had been by myself all along, I would have made a great many different decisions along the way. So now what? I guess it opens up my options. I am free-er, in a sense- which is the perk of being empty, because there is not much you could do to lose something that you don't have. Regular case of the loser's trophy.
But I don't really know, because I still miss you - or whatever I lived with for 8 months to the day - like hell.
It's not hard looking at the bigger picture. As a matter of fact, I've been doing that for months now, because I am not an utter imbecile. I did not fathom the killing blow however.
So I'm still looking at the same thing, except sans perceived lifeline anymore.
I'm still young, or so I've heard, and yet I'm at the crossroads between adolescence and adulthood. I really don't feel like making a choice. I am comfortably numb and rejoice at the idea that time is taking over my duty and I can rest for a while. I guess it's being overly optimistic.
How unlike me.

But some rest might be well-deserved still.

_______________________________________________________________________________

When you are drowning, or being drowned, there is very little you can do. Struggling will only accelerate your demise. Staying still will be the easiest path, but you won't be given a chance to pick the outcome in this scenario. Swimming sounds clever, but that equates to wasting much energy. and the air is rarefied.
The meds are useful to ease the anxiety, but ultimately, they're mere illusions draining the life away from you.
It's unlikely that a lifeguard will be here, let alone on time, when you're at large. No miracles in real life.
But there is a way.
Through the little things.

Mike who takes me to the Lucky Moose for too much poutine.
Auré who pours me a coffee.
MST who finally comes to see me despite her being sick.
Trying calligraphy in Chinese class.
Finding solace in the fact that the new season of Rick and Morty might be there by year's end.
Enjoying replaying a game.

Laughs.
A lot of them.
An awful lot of them.

There is no remedy. You don't heal, you adapt, you accept. I've lost, I have to acknowledge it. There is no way around it. You can't get out of the water unscathed. There is no cure for a wound this large. It changes you, for good, for better, for worse. Whatever.
This is life's natural course.

But the little things are what compels you to still get up in the morning, what gradually gets you to believe that the sun does still show up . What makes you smile, for lack of laughing.
Because the little things, they are genuine. They are not fake. And they do help a little, even if you don't always see it.

Because if they can't help keep you afloat,
They at least keep you breathing.

Because if they do no save you,

They keep you alive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wipdWDZpZTY&list=LLuDOPgKOCIHjDvocYlryqkA&index=22

30

I'm not actually functioning.
I don't get out of bed unless it's absolutely necessary. Even when I need to, it can hardly be described as a success.
I mean, come on, an hour ago I found it in me to go out grab some food; I did not even have the courage to get dressed properly.
I just put some clothes on top of my pj, for fuck's sake.

Now I have to live with the never-ceasing images and sounds of what you did, or at least what I imagine you did. I won't describe it as pleasant. Not for me, at least. It comes back, whenever I feel like I might enjoy a moment of respite, like a long needle. But not one that stings swiftly. No, the kind of needle that a bad nurse sticks in your arm, and that keeps on moving around, butchering flesh along its circular wreckage, until there is just dead meat left there to rot away. The pain is, indeed, a pain to withstand.
But if it were just for that, I might be able to cope.
The hardest part is my inability to understand. How you could fake all these times. I do fathom it was just a game for you, yet I struggle, for these moments were real for me.
I never felt more alive than during some of the times I had with you. The little box you gave me, the avalanche of texts laying out all the plans you'd made for our place, how excited you were. The day you smiled while unveiling your mug for the appartment. The time you told me that we needed to buy some grown-up sheets. The time you insisted we come and took some measurements. The time we came back home after this terrible 24 hours of non-stop fighting. All these times you put your head on my chest and told me that you couldn't live without my smell. When you told me with this frail voice of yours that you'd die if I were to ever disappear from your life. All these times you swore you'd never, ever cheat on me, without my asking.

So much for that last one, I guess.

Because yeah, the toughest part of it is not to live with your betrayal and all the lies, or even the fact that you did everything to make me miserable.
It is torturing me to look back on all these moments that made me believe, despite all you had put me through, that us was worth fighting for.

Why didn't you give me the chance to fight for us? Because you were not who you had me believe.

I will not lie. I am miserable. Nothing takes my mind off of you. The all too rare glimpses of hope and relief are balanced by the oft ill-advised instants of self-delusion during which I enjoy believing that you are still here by my side and all of this is a bad dream. How many times today did I have to fight against my urge to text you and tell you how much I love you? How many times have I resisted the impulse to call you and ask you to start over? How many times have I hoped that you would knock on my door and tell me it was all just a big misunderstanding?

I still check my mailbox everyday to see if there isn't some letter you left there when you dropped the key and that I would have missed. I know you didn't, and I know you can't, or more accurate yet won't, leave anything there anymore.

Leaving me at once was enough I guess.
Your last text told me how hurt you felt that I gave you the box back. But how am I to believe any of the notes stored in it now? They were written by someone I don't know, imitating someone I made up.

I'm conflicted, because these moments were real to me while you've never been true to us. I can't be like you and already be out there all smiles and banging around, telling the next man how he's the one, because I, for one, no matter how dysfunctional we were together, no matter the hardships,
I did believe in us
And was willing to fight for it
Why would you not let me?

So now I'm here and I've been through hope, anger, despair, delusion, and all the stages of grief way too quickly. I have not had time to take them in, and I don't feel lighter.
Because you had never been the burden to begin with,
The burden was our broken relationship

And now it will never truly disappear, because the only way there was to make it right was not to put an end to this
But to make it right.

Now there is no way back. I willingly locked myself into the aftermath when you screwed up, because I knew back then that I only had so much time of objectivity, I only had that precious window,
To thrust me out of something that would have destroyed me to the point of no return.

So sure, I can be grateful for that. Because right now I'm dying to rekindle. But you either don't give a fuck, or are waiting for just that to toy around with me a little more.


I knew what I was getting myself into with you. I don't regret it. If I were to do it again, I don't think I would pass on the opportunity. But at some point I started to believe we could turn this mess into something good.
And at that exact moment,
You got bored of your new toy and started pursuing the next one.

I will remain a number in the long list of your victims. I am not any different, you won't remember me more fondly than the last, you will certainly tell people how I was the one who was terrible in the relationship. That's who you are, and that's fair enough.

For me you will remain a little more than that.
And even if hindsight is indeed 20/20 as they say, I really, really believe that we are, and will forever remain,
Unfinished business.

There was more to us than you gave yourself the chance to see and than you gave me the chance to show you
There is more to us to write in life
But now we'll never know

And while you are gone, I'm still here.
And the appartment feels almost too empty to bear.
Because your stuff is not the only thing you dragged through the door and won't ever bring back.



You're lucky you were never born Noah. But that does not mean I won't miss you buddy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9tGoNcd4CY

Rapeture

J'ai passé 8 mois, jour pour jour, à vivre aux côtés d'un fantôme.
Maintenant que tu es partie et qu'on m'a fait ouvert les yeux, je vois. Et je n'arrive pas à comprendre ce que je vois. Tout le long, je pensais que tu avais injecté des couleurs dans ma vie. Mais tout est rouge.

Je pensais être avec quelqu'un qui m'aimait, malgré tout ses défauts, malgré toutes ses différences,
malgré tout.
Mais aujourd'hui je compris que je n'étais qu'un jouet, une poupée. Tu as testé tes limites, tu t'es amusée, et quand tu en as eu marre, tu m'as jeté, et tu as trouvé un autre jouet. C'était comme ça avant moi. Ce sera comme ça après.
C'est ce que j'aime appeler le complexe du héros: tu ne mens pas au début. En réalité, tu préviens même de ce que tu as fait, de ce que tu vas faire de qui tu as été, et tu montres un côté fragile qui pousse à se dire qu'on peut être celui qui changera les choses.
J'y ai cru, même quand c'était fini. J'ai voulu croire qu'avec moi tu pourrais guérir, changer. Pas tout de suite, j'ai été méfiant au début, mais petit à petit, j'ai commencé à envisager que c'était possible. Que ça pouvait fonctionner. Et à partir de là c'était terminé. Tu as pris le contrôle et tu as fait ce que tu voulais.
Pourtant tu me l'avais dit au téléphone ce soir là. Tu m'avais dit ce truc bizarre. Que tu allais me faire du mal, quoi qu'il arrive, et que tu étais désolée. J'étais prévenu. J'ai foncé dedans quand même.

Ce n'est pas la réaction de colère typique, pas la déculpabilisation que tu maîtrises si bien par la théorie comme quoi l'autre n'était pas assez bien. Parce que tu étais largement assez bien pour moi.
Dans ma tête.
L'image que tu as crée, que tu as renvoyée, elle était idéale, façonnée sur mesure pour mes besoins. Tu as le don de creuser jusqu'à découvrir ce qui manque chez quelqu'un, puis de créer une personne qui arrive à remplir parfaitement ces vides.
C'est comme ça que tu peux faire tout et n'importe quoi sans qu'on parte.

Et ça explique l'inexplicable. Ca explique qu'après chaque humiliation publique, chaque fois où tu m'as traîné dans la boue pour me montrer à quel point j'étais un déchet; qu'après les deux fois où tu m'as frappé, où tu m'as insulté et assimilé à ton violeur; même après que tu m'aies trompé plusieurs fois, avec plusieurs personnes, en quelques heures, j'étais encore là, à te pardonner. Parce que tu avais implanté dans mon cerveau l'idée que quel que soit le mal que tu pouvais me faire, je ne pouvais pas me permettre de perdre ce que tu m'apportais.
Peu importait que tu remplisses les vides avec du vomi,
moi la seule chose qui me faisait peur c'était qu'ils redeviennent vides une fois de plus.

Et c'est ça le plus grand danger, pas qu'on arrive pas à réaliser. Parce que mes amis ont tout fait pour que je sorte, pendant des mois, eux qui me connaissent mieux que moi-même - parce que ce qu'ils me disaient, je le savais aussi. Et je choisissais consciemment d'aller contre, en sachant très bien que j'allais droit au mur.
J'étais heureux de m'auto-détruire.

Quelque part, c'est fantastique que tu arrives à jouer un rôle avec le monde entier sans interruption. Ça demande une volonté et une intelligence phénoménale de placer ses pions et de les voir toujours bouger comme anticipé. J'avais la fausse impression de contrôle que tu donnes à tout le monde.
Et s'il était pas venu mercredi soir m'ouvrir les yeux, ce serait certainement toujours le cas.

Parce que lorsqu'on est pris dans tes filets, c'est tellement plus facile de souffrir pour toi et par toi que d'être heureux loin de toi.
Ta voix ce soir là, quand tu as compris que tu avais fait une petite erreur de calcul, cette froideur, ce mépris dans le timbre, l'absence totale de remords ou de regrets, et surtout, surtout, l'explosion de toutes les promesses et principes que tu avais établis, c'est là que j'ai compris, c'est là que je suis sorti.

Tu es toxique et tu es malade. Tu as souffert et tu fais souffrir les autres, voilà ta catharsis, et ça fonctionne, parce que tu sais ce que tu fais et avec qui tu le fais. Ça s'arrête pas avec moi. Et j'aurai pas la satisfaction de me dire que j'aurai enrayé l'embrayage. La seule chose que j'ai, c'est que je suis sorti.

Et ça fait mal de sortir, parce qu'il n'y a plus ce petit espoir du "et si", parce que tu ne reviendras pas demain en t'excusant et en disant que tu m'aimes, que tu es désolée, ou je ne sais quel mensonge. Pour mieux me refaire du mal le lendemain. C'est terminé maintenant.
Tu me laisses là avec des images dans la tête, des images de toi avec d'autres, des images plus claires dans mon esprit que psychologiquement supportables. J'ai les personnages, j'ai le scénario, j'ai le décor; et mes journées sont un combat permanent contre le film de ce que tu as fait.

Bien sûr que j'ai de la haine. Contre eux et contre toi. Tous les trois, vous avez décidé de me briser en toute connaissance de cause. Pour votre plaisir personnel, pour l'adrénaline que ça vous procure de mettre quelqu'un à terre.
Et vous avez réussi, je ne peux même pas me défendre. Je vis dans un cauchemar duquel je n'arrive pas à sortir depuis une semaine, et j'échoue totalement à contenir toute cette haine, ce dégoût, cette frustration.

Mais vous finirez par payer. J'en ai la certitude. Un jour vous paierez. Et si vous arrivez à vous en sortir encore et à passer à travers les mailles du filet, alors quand je me serai relevé, quand j'aurai repris assez de force,
c'est moi qui vous ferais payer,
Mais je ne suis pas inquiet, parce que la vie sait ce qu'elle fait, et un jour ou l'autre, tôt ou tard,
Vous allez tous payer.

Maintenant je dois vivre avec l'idée que j'avais prévu de faire ma vie avec quelqu'un qui n'a jamais existé, une projection de mon cerveau. Et je dois aussi comprendre comment j'en suis arrivé là. Comment j'ai pu rester à travers la violence sous toutes ses formes. A quel moment est-ce que j'ai perdu assez de respect pour moi-même au point d'accepter consciemment tout ce que tu m'as fait subir et d'en être heureux.
Comment j'ai pu croire avoir un semblant de pouvoir quand tu me tirais par des ficelles sans arrêt.

Il faut que je trouve assez d'amour-propre pour ne jamais plus accepter ça. Il faut que je brise cette boucle. Parce que si tu recommenceras à ruiner d'autres personnes pareil,
Je ne peux pas recommencer à me faire briser comme ça par quelqu'un.

Je vivrai avec tes erreurs, mais je crois au plus profond de moi que ça n'a jamais été moi le problème. Ma gentillesse, ma protection et mon amour n'ont pas à changer. Tu es juste incapable de recevoir ce genre de choses. Tu es une sociopathe gravement malade, aux sentiments inhibés et à l'admiration morbide pour ses cicatrices. Mais moi je t'ai jamais fait de mal. Et je commencerai pas maintenant.
Parce que je suis certain qu'il y a quelqu'un quelque part qui a besoin de ce que je peux lui apporter, qu'il existe une fille qui saura recevoir ce que j'ai à donner et m'offrir ce dont j'ai besoin, qui saura remplir les vides;
Et pas avec du vomi.

J'ai jamais été le problème,
Mais toi tu as un problème,
Et si toi et tes petits jouets vous avez réussi à me mettre à terre et que j'ai les dents éclatées sur le sol, je finirai par me relever, et je recommencerai à courir vers les étoiles. Et je finirai par être heureux.

Et c'est ce bonheur auquel j'ai droit,
Que tu ne connaîtras certainement jamais.

Parce que si tu crois obtenir des victoires en anéantissant les gens qui t'aiment, c'est pour fermer les yeux sur la vérité que tu as peur d'affronter, qui te rend folle à lier;
Toi tu passeras ta vie à être malheureuse.


Je suis tombé amoureux d'un monstre.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5h4yJ-BpL4