The overall euphoria did not last long.
Let me reformulate that.
The overall euphoria did not last long.
Ah, what the hell.
It was second and inches, I was but sure to make the first down. Yet here I was, fourth and 9, and all but forced to punt the ball away.
How frustrating.
Great team effort though.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I am not even sad, or bitter. I'm surprisingly alright. Maybe even better.
I mean, I was disappointed for a moment, but when all is said and done, it allows me to focus on real things.
In the end, induced thought-euthanasia is not that bad an idea.
Let it become another cold case, stored on the shelf between the infamous sentimental suicides and the failed attempts to rekindle things that never were. At least this one is empty enough.
I am just back to the all-too-familiar square one. How come I don't get to earn the 20,000 USD whenever it happens? I would be filthy wealthy by now.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I think that deep inside, I wish I had gotten the first down. But after that, you have to travel another 10 yards, and it's getting harder as the defense is getting more packed and more alert. Mistakes are way more fatal. Defenses are tougher to read when you enter the red zone.
I got benched after the first drive, so I won't blunder the game away. No mishap, no fumble, no bad-decision making. No brutal interception.
I had an okay run, one good play, a questionable scramble, and a dropped pass.
Nobody can really blame me for 3 plays. And with so little playing time, my QB rating can't look too bad.
After all, I've come to grips with the coach's decision.
I'm a backup for life.
In this franchise anyway.
But gosh it has to feel good scoring a touchdown. I've long forgotten what celebrating in the end zone feels like but I think that, secretly,
I'd like to score at least one more time in my life.
So let's cheer to this guys
Until next game.
I tested my arm earlier tonight.
My throwing motion is intact. I am faster than ever it seems.
Well, talk about a bad omen...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-szw05TwQk
Monday, September 21, 2015
Saturday, September 19, 2015
30 days without an accident
It's a nice feeling to be able to work on things I like.
I don't need to be pushed anymore.
I mean, it's hard and all, certainly way harder than what I had ever have to deal with before. But I genuinely enjoy it.
I've found my calling, one might say.
Well, at least for now.
There's actually not that much to say regarding the end of my first week. Except for the fact that the lecture halls are filthy as hell and look like improvised shelters for drug addicts and other hobos. I get that's part of our reputation in the eye of most, but it certainly does not help combat the cliché...
Neither does the mostly empty weekly schedule.
I think I can work around not having to spend my life in school though. It should not be that hard.
It's also pretty interesting to be surrounded by people who are good at what they do. I mean, no offense, especially since the people I spent my best moments with a couple of years ago clearly were at times struggling in class, but at least I don't come out as an outcast.
That's a funny thing, come to think of it, to be labeled - or in my case, label myself - as an outcast when you're the one that pulls through. I had always pictured it being the other way around. On no basis, I will give you that.
But having the possibility to talk to people about school stuff and realizing that you're talking about the same thing, at least means I should be in the right place at the right time.
Classes are gonna be tough, but I'll work my way up there eventually.
There is another eerie thing. Eerie might be too strong of a word, so let's settle for disturbing, or even unsettling.
Why the fuck am I spending that much time thinking about one single girl?
I know I have more than enough time to do everything I need to do, all I want to do, and then some. Yet, it is not sufficient to explain the mere fact that I spend way too much time picturing the same face in my head, over and over again.
That certainly stems from the very high expectations I, and a lot of people, had coming into this year. And by that I just mean the usual stuff. But I might have completely brainwashed myself.
This is a powerful device, the mind. Strong enough to even beat itself comprehensively, without leaving any chance to strike back. It's like playing chess against yourself, however in a one-sided game.
Sure, I know it's bullshit.
But I've learned to let the part of my mind which deals with feelings and whatnot to do its thing without my mingling further into its business. It's not gonna listen anyway, and in the end it would just be wasted energy. But I am bit surprised by the efficiency and the seemingly flawlessness of the process this time. I mean, a week? I know boredom has to play a significant part in it, but still. I did not see it coming.
And life has a good sense of humor, it seems.
I guess it's gonna keep me busy for a while. Maybe days, most likely weeks; though gambling on months might be over-exaggerated. I'll make do with what my brain has in mind this time around. For once, let's not try to tinker this thing and let's see how it evolves. Even though I already have a fairly clear idea of the outcome. Meh, whatever, I'll take that over nothing.
I'm good to go I guess.
Your city has a shitty sky. Okay, I don't get the same fantastic view as last year, good point, but still. It was way more majestic on the other side of the ocean, let alone how much better the Torontonian tower looks compared to its Paris counterpart. Yet I pulled off the feet of spotting two lonely, and apparently still, little shiny things out of the window.
I can hardly be able to say that I am preparing to shoot for the stars with just of couple of targets,
But I guess that's better than nothing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcguxHc4hiU
I don't need to be pushed anymore.
I mean, it's hard and all, certainly way harder than what I had ever have to deal with before. But I genuinely enjoy it.
I've found my calling, one might say.
Well, at least for now.
There's actually not that much to say regarding the end of my first week. Except for the fact that the lecture halls are filthy as hell and look like improvised shelters for drug addicts and other hobos. I get that's part of our reputation in the eye of most, but it certainly does not help combat the cliché...
Neither does the mostly empty weekly schedule.
I think I can work around not having to spend my life in school though. It should not be that hard.
It's also pretty interesting to be surrounded by people who are good at what they do. I mean, no offense, especially since the people I spent my best moments with a couple of years ago clearly were at times struggling in class, but at least I don't come out as an outcast.
That's a funny thing, come to think of it, to be labeled - or in my case, label myself - as an outcast when you're the one that pulls through. I had always pictured it being the other way around. On no basis, I will give you that.
But having the possibility to talk to people about school stuff and realizing that you're talking about the same thing, at least means I should be in the right place at the right time.
Classes are gonna be tough, but I'll work my way up there eventually.
There is another eerie thing. Eerie might be too strong of a word, so let's settle for disturbing, or even unsettling.
Why the fuck am I spending that much time thinking about one single girl?
I know I have more than enough time to do everything I need to do, all I want to do, and then some. Yet, it is not sufficient to explain the mere fact that I spend way too much time picturing the same face in my head, over and over again.
That certainly stems from the very high expectations I, and a lot of people, had coming into this year. And by that I just mean the usual stuff. But I might have completely brainwashed myself.
This is a powerful device, the mind. Strong enough to even beat itself comprehensively, without leaving any chance to strike back. It's like playing chess against yourself, however in a one-sided game.
Sure, I know it's bullshit.
But I've learned to let the part of my mind which deals with feelings and whatnot to do its thing without my mingling further into its business. It's not gonna listen anyway, and in the end it would just be wasted energy. But I am bit surprised by the efficiency and the seemingly flawlessness of the process this time. I mean, a week? I know boredom has to play a significant part in it, but still. I did not see it coming.
And life has a good sense of humor, it seems.
I guess it's gonna keep me busy for a while. Maybe days, most likely weeks; though gambling on months might be over-exaggerated. I'll make do with what my brain has in mind this time around. For once, let's not try to tinker this thing and let's see how it evolves. Even though I already have a fairly clear idea of the outcome. Meh, whatever, I'll take that over nothing.
I'm good to go I guess.
Your city has a shitty sky. Okay, I don't get the same fantastic view as last year, good point, but still. It was way more majestic on the other side of the ocean, let alone how much better the Torontonian tower looks compared to its Paris counterpart. Yet I pulled off the feet of spotting two lonely, and apparently still, little shiny things out of the window.
I can hardly be able to say that I am preparing to shoot for the stars with just of couple of targets,
But I guess that's better than nothing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcguxHc4hiU
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Grammar mistake
I don't get it, but I feel surprisingly uneasy.
Almost overwhelmingly ill at ease.
I think that's the kickback after last year. I have to reacquaint myself with another system, other people, other methods, another education, a different city. None of which I like as much.
While not much happened, last year was grand. It was fantastic, if just for the fact that it was a dream come true.
A dream.
That's what's been missing for quite some time now.
Since I came back, I feel like I am going in circles. I've stopped moving forward. More exactly, I've continued moving but without any destination. But it's not your kind of Saturday afternoon carefree stroll to Chinatown. I'm just lost. I have always been terrible with directions, but at least I know that all roads lead to Rome.
Well, I don't know where Rome is anymore. I don't know what Rome is anymore.
So I lock myself up in my shell, I try to be on the outside looking in until I find a clue.
Because for the time being, I have none.
As a result, I just feel uneasy as a whole, failing to adjust correctly, missing the thing that's not right.
It certainly is just me.
I sleep too much, I don't feel like getting up, I don't feel like coming home.
I mean, it's not much different from years past. I always need to reassess my environment when I get cast in the midst of it all. It doesn't take long before I get the gist and successfully blend in.
The mountaintop just seems to be a tad higher this time around.
Things will hopefully turn for the best. I'll get a few kicks in the arse during the first couple of weeks before getting to work and subsequently crush it all semester long. I won't meet many people, maybe a couple if I am lucky, maybe none; but it won't be a big deal, I can make space in my schedule if need be. Otherwise, I'll just play go. I'm gonna meet a lovely girl that will epitomize everything I want and compel me to deceive myself into thinking she can heal me, before she either rejects me or I chicken out like I am used to.
I'm already being kicked hard in the arse, and I've already met the lovely girl; so things are going as planned on paper.
Have I lost optimism? I might have become a mere engine. I know my openings, I have been through many of them and I know the optimal, pristine combinations. So I just repeat them, without even thinking anymore. It's bland, it's spotless. It works, period.
Would there be better suited ones for different situations though?
I am taking far fewer chances these days. I miss it. I'm drowning in boredom, as if I had fulfilled my duty and was given time to rest. I am numb.
Don't mistake it for fear, I want to play some poker with life. But she's not at the table. And when she comes, the possible losses far outweigh the potential gains.
I feel less alive when I don't have dreams in my head. Granted, I certainly don't ride the emotional roller-coaster as much, I lose the tendency to be struck by depression. But I don't get the other edge of the sword in return.
I am happy, I am just happy normally. I don't have these moments when I think stars are almost reachable with my bare hands.
I look at them, and they don't seem that far. But not close enough.
Status quo is a bitch, but the worst is not being given the opportunity to break out of it.
So tomorrow I'll just wake up, go to class, get some bad surprises, under-perform and come back home beating myself up. That will help me get into survival mode and improve significantly in no time to catch up; but that won't stop then and it will carry on until I get to the top. In the meantime I'll certainly see this girl I like, certainly more out of boredom than actual fondness. I might sit next to her like today and exchange nothing but a couple of words. I might not. I don't know, and I don't really care. One more missed opportunity wouldn't kill me anyway. Tomorrow I will come back, eat my cereals, maybe watch a few episodes of some random TV show before realizing time had flown, and go to bed. Tomorrow will be pretty much a rewind of today.
How the fuck is that possible?
Life anesthetized me to its changes. To the point that I don't really care to make every living day a different awesome experience.
Could someone please pull me out of this?
Because I really wouldn't enjoy having to wait for the snow to come back before I can breathe brand new oxygen again.
Well, look at the bright side. My bed is not making those unbearable noises anymore.
Yeah, well I broke my iPod yesterday though, so karma owed me that much.
It looks like I am outside of my head and can see that things are not going the way I want them to, but can't tinker with it. I fucking hate it.
I hate it.
And there is no addressing that for now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EdACIPR0iE
Almost overwhelmingly ill at ease.
I think that's the kickback after last year. I have to reacquaint myself with another system, other people, other methods, another education, a different city. None of which I like as much.
While not much happened, last year was grand. It was fantastic, if just for the fact that it was a dream come true.
A dream.
That's what's been missing for quite some time now.
Since I came back, I feel like I am going in circles. I've stopped moving forward. More exactly, I've continued moving but without any destination. But it's not your kind of Saturday afternoon carefree stroll to Chinatown. I'm just lost. I have always been terrible with directions, but at least I know that all roads lead to Rome.
Well, I don't know where Rome is anymore. I don't know what Rome is anymore.
So I lock myself up in my shell, I try to be on the outside looking in until I find a clue.
Because for the time being, I have none.
As a result, I just feel uneasy as a whole, failing to adjust correctly, missing the thing that's not right.
It certainly is just me.
I sleep too much, I don't feel like getting up, I don't feel like coming home.
I mean, it's not much different from years past. I always need to reassess my environment when I get cast in the midst of it all. It doesn't take long before I get the gist and successfully blend in.
The mountaintop just seems to be a tad higher this time around.
Things will hopefully turn for the best. I'll get a few kicks in the arse during the first couple of weeks before getting to work and subsequently crush it all semester long. I won't meet many people, maybe a couple if I am lucky, maybe none; but it won't be a big deal, I can make space in my schedule if need be. Otherwise, I'll just play go. I'm gonna meet a lovely girl that will epitomize everything I want and compel me to deceive myself into thinking she can heal me, before she either rejects me or I chicken out like I am used to.
I'm already being kicked hard in the arse, and I've already met the lovely girl; so things are going as planned on paper.
Have I lost optimism? I might have become a mere engine. I know my openings, I have been through many of them and I know the optimal, pristine combinations. So I just repeat them, without even thinking anymore. It's bland, it's spotless. It works, period.
Would there be better suited ones for different situations though?
I am taking far fewer chances these days. I miss it. I'm drowning in boredom, as if I had fulfilled my duty and was given time to rest. I am numb.
Don't mistake it for fear, I want to play some poker with life. But she's not at the table. And when she comes, the possible losses far outweigh the potential gains.
I feel less alive when I don't have dreams in my head. Granted, I certainly don't ride the emotional roller-coaster as much, I lose the tendency to be struck by depression. But I don't get the other edge of the sword in return.
I am happy, I am just happy normally. I don't have these moments when I think stars are almost reachable with my bare hands.
I look at them, and they don't seem that far. But not close enough.
Status quo is a bitch, but the worst is not being given the opportunity to break out of it.
So tomorrow I'll just wake up, go to class, get some bad surprises, under-perform and come back home beating myself up. That will help me get into survival mode and improve significantly in no time to catch up; but that won't stop then and it will carry on until I get to the top. In the meantime I'll certainly see this girl I like, certainly more out of boredom than actual fondness. I might sit next to her like today and exchange nothing but a couple of words. I might not. I don't know, and I don't really care. One more missed opportunity wouldn't kill me anyway. Tomorrow I will come back, eat my cereals, maybe watch a few episodes of some random TV show before realizing time had flown, and go to bed. Tomorrow will be pretty much a rewind of today.
How the fuck is that possible?
Life anesthetized me to its changes. To the point that I don't really care to make every living day a different awesome experience.
Could someone please pull me out of this?
Because I really wouldn't enjoy having to wait for the snow to come back before I can breathe brand new oxygen again.
Well, look at the bright side. My bed is not making those unbearable noises anymore.
Yeah, well I broke my iPod yesterday though, so karma owed me that much.
It looks like I am outside of my head and can see that things are not going the way I want them to, but can't tinker with it. I fucking hate it.
I hate it.
And there is no addressing that for now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EdACIPR0iE
Sunday, September 13, 2015
A is faster than 1
The new school year is upon me.
I'm adjusting to my new environment.
Well, it hardly feels new however, since I've been here many times before.
I know this subway, I know these huge towers; and, more importantly,
I know a few peways.
For the first time in 8 years, I can finally see them whenever I want. For the first time in 8 years I don't need to wait for months before coming back.
For god's sake, and that's oughta be the best;
I don't hurt when I say goodbye.
It feels much closer to a see you later than a farewell hug these days.
I love that. I love that I don't leave with pain in my stomach and questions in my head. I am relieved I don't have to worry about not seeing you again anymore.
Because now I'm right here.
It still feels kinda weird though. I have trouble shaking up the usual departure-anxiety. I have yet to realize I am not leaving tomorrow, or the day after that.
This time, I'm here to stay.
At least for longer than ever before.
Granted, I still need tickets to ride the subway. Granted, I still take the wrong one. Granted, it will take some getting used to before I can finally stop thinking about things the old way.
But for now, it just feels awesome to be caught in that.
I don't miss you anymore, because you're always here.
And that's pretty damn rad after all these years.
These are not perfect days, but they've gotta be pretty damn close.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOc0we-75iA
I'm adjusting to my new environment.
Well, it hardly feels new however, since I've been here many times before.
I know this subway, I know these huge towers; and, more importantly,
I know a few peways.
For the first time in 8 years, I can finally see them whenever I want. For the first time in 8 years I don't need to wait for months before coming back.
For god's sake, and that's oughta be the best;
I don't hurt when I say goodbye.
It feels much closer to a see you later than a farewell hug these days.
I love that. I love that I don't leave with pain in my stomach and questions in my head. I am relieved I don't have to worry about not seeing you again anymore.
Because now I'm right here.
It still feels kinda weird though. I have trouble shaking up the usual departure-anxiety. I have yet to realize I am not leaving tomorrow, or the day after that.
This time, I'm here to stay.
At least for longer than ever before.
Granted, I still need tickets to ride the subway. Granted, I still take the wrong one. Granted, it will take some getting used to before I can finally stop thinking about things the old way.
But for now, it just feels awesome to be caught in that.
I don't miss you anymore, because you're always here.
And that's pretty damn rad after all these years.
These are not perfect days, but they've gotta be pretty damn close.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOc0we-75iA
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