Grammar mistake

I don't get it, but I feel surprisingly uneasy.
Almost overwhelmingly ill at ease.
I think that's the kickback after last year. I have to reacquaint myself with another system, other people, other methods, another education, a different city. None of which I like as much.
While not much happened, last year was grand. It was fantastic, if just for the fact that it was a dream come true.
A dream.
That's what's been missing for quite some time now.
Since I came back, I feel like I am going in circles. I've stopped moving forward. More exactly, I've continued moving but without any destination. But it's not your kind of Saturday afternoon carefree stroll to Chinatown. I'm just lost. I have always been terrible with directions, but at least I know that all roads lead to Rome.
Well, I don't know where Rome is anymore. I don't know what Rome is anymore.
So I lock myself up in my shell, I try to be on the outside looking in until I find a clue.
Because for the time being, I have none.

As a result, I just feel uneasy as a whole, failing to adjust correctly, missing the thing that's not right.
It certainly is just me.

I sleep too much, I don't feel like getting up, I don't feel like coming home.
I mean, it's not much different from years past. I always need to reassess my environment when I get cast in the midst of it all. It doesn't take long before I get the gist and successfully blend in.
The mountaintop just seems to be a tad higher this time around.

Things will hopefully turn for the best. I'll get a few kicks in the arse during the first couple of weeks before getting to work and subsequently crush it all semester long. I won't meet many people, maybe a couple if I am lucky, maybe none; but it won't be a big deal, I can make space in my schedule if need be. Otherwise, I'll just play go. I'm gonna meet a lovely girl that will epitomize everything I want and compel me to deceive myself into thinking she can heal me, before she either rejects me or I chicken out like I am used to.

I'm already being kicked hard in the arse, and I've already met the lovely girl; so things are going as planned on paper.


Have I lost optimism? I might have become a mere engine. I know my openings, I have been through many of them and I know the optimal, pristine combinations. So I just repeat them, without even thinking anymore. It's bland, it's spotless. It works, period.
Would there be better suited ones for different situations though?

I am taking far fewer chances these days. I miss it. I'm drowning in boredom, as if I had fulfilled my duty and was given time to rest. I am numb.
Don't mistake it for fear, I want to play some poker with life. But she's not at the table. And when she comes, the possible losses far outweigh the potential gains.


I feel less alive when I don't have dreams in my head. Granted, I certainly don't ride the emotional roller-coaster as much, I lose the tendency to be struck by depression. But I don't get the other edge of the sword in return.

I am happy, I am just happy normally. I don't have these moments when I think stars are almost reachable with my bare hands.

I look at them, and they don't seem that far. But not close enough.

Status quo is a bitch, but the worst is not being given the opportunity to break out of it.



So tomorrow I'll just wake up, go to class, get some bad surprises, under-perform and come back home beating myself up. That will help me get into survival mode and improve significantly in no time to catch up; but that won't stop then and it will carry on until I get to the top. In the meantime I'll certainly see this girl I like, certainly more out of boredom than actual fondness. I might sit next to her like today and exchange nothing but a couple of words. I might not. I don't know, and I don't really care. One more missed opportunity wouldn't kill me anyway. Tomorrow I will come back, eat my cereals, maybe watch a few episodes of some random TV show before realizing time had flown, and go to bed. Tomorrow will be pretty much a rewind of today.

How the fuck is that possible?
Life anesthetized me to its changes. To the point that I don't really care to make every living day a different awesome experience.
Could someone please pull me out of this?
Because I really wouldn't enjoy having to wait for the snow to come back before I can breathe brand new oxygen again.

Well, look at the bright side. My bed is not making those unbearable noises anymore.
Yeah, well I broke my iPod yesterday though, so karma owed me that much.

It looks like I am outside of my head and can see that things are not going the way I want them to, but can't tinker with it. I fucking hate it.

I hate it.

And there is no addressing that for now.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EdACIPR0iE