Erutuf

I am looping.

I am displaying the same old little quirks. Jealousy, extra sensitivity and aggressiveness. They do not blend all that well. And you're the one suffering from my tantrums.

History is repeating itself before my very eyes, and I am clueless as to how to change its course. I have not learned shit, have I? I do not know the way to right the ship and change. My emotions get the best of me.

Every once in a while, I manage to put things into perspective, take some distance, from you, from an us I don't seem to be acquainted to yet. Is it normal by the way? Is it just me screwing up, or is it a natural process?
Anyways any time I can get a grasp of objectivity, you come at me feelings first and I fall back in. It is the grotesque oxymoron that defines our relationship on my side: the more you love me, the more likely I am to mess it all up.

But now for the first time you are disappointed. I unveiled that I am no different than anybody else. You realized that I am, in fact, nothing special. I guess it puts a pin in our plans now eh? If not a nail in their coffin.

I wanna try. I really do. But I need a magic formula to shake off three years of living inside my head;
And three other years I wish I had.
I am damaged good relationship-wise; and your perfection does not match my faults. We cannot go on like that, regardless of what you keep saying. Because I'm gonna burn myself up slowly, and burn you down in the process. There is going to be nothing but pain and regrets if I can't figure out how to overcome my fears.

I have always known, since the very beginning, that we had a clock and that it was ticking. For quite some tie I thought it was the clock of us, and I was fine-ish with that; but what if it is not? What if it is my clock? What if, by any chance, it is a countdown to you not being able to stand my bullshit anymore?

The last one held on for a decent amount of time before she called it quits. I don't really want to take chances with you.

But once again, I screw up, think it's too late to fix things, come back - and repeat. So how do I break the cycle?
I have gone a little bit too far this time - once again.

I'm tired of being me, because me does not fit in this two-people environment.

I am afraid we'll run our course way before the future we designed materializes. And that's gonna be on me. I am sick of spending a couple of days a week snuggling my blanket and staying in bed all day long because I suck.



Please someone give me a map of how to be a good boyfriend.
And then teach me how to read a map

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHCob76kigA

Wok

I always thought I was flawed. But I've come to realize it's not entirely accurate. I am raw.

I have lived a lot more than I should have in my head, but I have little to no understanding of the world. I've always painted an ominous mental picture to my head to compel myself not to step outside. I've shaped a safe bubble in which everyone lives peacefully and the only real problems are whether I have enough money to eat one more kebab this week.

But I made a deal that would see me go outside if it meant I could love and be loved in return. Just one more time. Both parties have held up their part of the bargain. But as for me, it has not been as easy a ride as I had envisioned.

I need to learn ways to think, to behave, that I never before had to know. I am supposed to put things into perspective much faster than I was used to. I have to compromise when my life had been a straight road of unyielding decisions and principles.

I was not made for two. At least not by myself. I am just now being taught how things work around here in the open. I am not fast enough, not careful enough, not smart enough to take it all in and make the most of it.

So my mistakes stack up, and at the end of the day, they're just a big, fat pile of crap I regret even bringing up in the first place.

It won't happen in a day, because if there is one thing I know it is that this is a process. It won't happen tomorrow, it won't happen next week; but eventually, when I've fucked up one too many times and the point of no return is reached, I'll hate myself  for losing you like that. And rightfully so.

That being said, I am exposing myself here. I have become an obvious target. Mere flesh is covering my body now that I've taken off my heavy armor, and you can stab me at will - I won't even wince.

But if deep down I come in peace, I am not going to stand still while I feel like I am being trampled on. That much will not fly.

And at some point, when there's not much straw left on the camel's back,

We will have a problem.

A real one this time.

________________________________________________________________________________

I hold up a peace sign, but I carry a gun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTpmJFqs3aE