I always thought I was flawed. But I've come to realize it's not entirely accurate. I am raw.
I have lived a lot more than I should have in my head, but I have little to no understanding of the world. I've always painted an ominous mental picture to my head to compel myself not to step outside. I've shaped a safe bubble in which everyone lives peacefully and the only real problems are whether I have enough money to eat one more kebab this week.
But I made a deal that would see me go outside if it meant I could love and be loved in return. Just one more time. Both parties have held up their part of the bargain. But as for me, it has not been as easy a ride as I had envisioned.
I need to learn ways to think, to behave, that I never before had to know. I am supposed to put things into perspective much faster than I was used to. I have to compromise when my life had been a straight road of unyielding decisions and principles.
I was not made for two. At least not by myself. I am just now being taught how things work around here in the open. I am not fast enough, not careful enough, not smart enough to take it all in and make the most of it.
So my mistakes stack up, and at the end of the day, they're just a big, fat pile of crap I regret even bringing up in the first place.
It won't happen in a day, because if there is one thing I know it is that this is a process. It won't happen tomorrow, it won't happen next week; but eventually, when I've fucked up one too many times and the point of no return is reached, I'll hate myself for losing you like that. And rightfully so.
That being said, I am exposing myself here. I have become an obvious target. Mere flesh is covering my body now that I've taken off my heavy armor, and you can stab me at will - I won't even wince.
But if deep down I come in peace, I am not going to stand still while I feel like I am being trampled on. That much will not fly.
And at some point, when there's not much straw left on the camel's back,
We will have a problem.
A real one this time.
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