Erutuf

I am looping.

I am displaying the same old little quirks. Jealousy, extra sensitivity and aggressiveness. They do not blend all that well. And you're the one suffering from my tantrums.

History is repeating itself before my very eyes, and I am clueless as to how to change its course. I have not learned shit, have I? I do not know the way to right the ship and change. My emotions get the best of me.

Every once in a while, I manage to put things into perspective, take some distance, from you, from an us I don't seem to be acquainted to yet. Is it normal by the way? Is it just me screwing up, or is it a natural process?
Anyways any time I can get a grasp of objectivity, you come at me feelings first and I fall back in. It is the grotesque oxymoron that defines our relationship on my side: the more you love me, the more likely I am to mess it all up.

But now for the first time you are disappointed. I unveiled that I am no different than anybody else. You realized that I am, in fact, nothing special. I guess it puts a pin in our plans now eh? If not a nail in their coffin.

I wanna try. I really do. But I need a magic formula to shake off three years of living inside my head;
And three other years I wish I had.
I am damaged good relationship-wise; and your perfection does not match my faults. We cannot go on like that, regardless of what you keep saying. Because I'm gonna burn myself up slowly, and burn you down in the process. There is going to be nothing but pain and regrets if I can't figure out how to overcome my fears.

I have always known, since the very beginning, that we had a clock and that it was ticking. For quite some tie I thought it was the clock of us, and I was fine-ish with that; but what if it is not? What if it is my clock? What if, by any chance, it is a countdown to you not being able to stand my bullshit anymore?

The last one held on for a decent amount of time before she called it quits. I don't really want to take chances with you.

But once again, I screw up, think it's too late to fix things, come back - and repeat. So how do I break the cycle?
I have gone a little bit too far this time - once again.

I'm tired of being me, because me does not fit in this two-people environment.

I am afraid we'll run our course way before the future we designed materializes. And that's gonna be on me. I am sick of spending a couple of days a week snuggling my blanket and staying in bed all day long because I suck.



Please someone give me a map of how to be a good boyfriend.
And then teach me how to read a map

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHCob76kigA