Parce que ça va faire deux ans, et je crois que finallement, j'ai besoin de dire tout ce que j'ai jamais eu l'occasion de dire. J'ai envie d'exercer mon droit de parole, ma liberté d'expression; et surtout, de récupérer, rétroactivement, les droits qui m'ont été déniés, même de façon implicite.
Alors ce soir là quand je t'ai appellé, et que tu m'as donné la vérité que j'avais peur d'entendre, je l'admets aujourd'hui: j'étais soulagé. Soulagé de ne plus avoir à m'enfoncer encore plus profondément dans une défaite que je savais très bien inévitable. On vivait sur quelque chose qui marchait plus, on a essayé; plusieurs fois. Par habitude et par espoir, surtout par peur. J'avais peur de te perdre, et ça a contribué à tétaniser toutes mes tentatives pour nous sauver. Je t'aimais, mais oui, ça m'a fait du bien que tu reconnaisses qu'il y avait un problème.
Je me souviens de ton auto-persuasion, de ton mensonge permanent; selon lequel on vivait dans un conte de fées. Je suis pas totalement stupide. Je sais très bien que tu savais. Mais on était un couple; et aussi désagréable, insupportable, invivable que j'étais; c'était ton devoir de me parler. Parce que c'est ce que les gens font, parler. J'avais toujours été honnête avec toi, même dans les pires situations.
Je demandais pas grand chose en retour. Alors même si j'ai conscience que j'étais devenu un fardeau à gérer, j'avais droit à la vérité.
Parlons-en de ça d'ailleurs, du fait que j'étais devenu un être totalement mal dans ma peau, dénué de tout égo, marqué d'un sentiment d'insécurité constant et grandissant de jour en jour. Parce que ça, c'est aussi ta création. Quand tu refuses que ton copain t'embrasse, t'approche pendant des semaines, pendant des mois; quand tu as ce regard repoussant en le regardant, tu penses que ça aide à guérir les blessures? Tu penses que ça m'a aidé à garder espoir? A essayer plus fort? Et au moment où tu m'as annoncé que tu n'étais, et ne serais, je cite, "plus jamais" heureuse avec moi; tu penses que tu as laissé les bases les plus simples en me poussant à te quitter? Tu crois que c'était juste de me demander à moi le droit de te laisser partir? De me demander de te pousser vers la sortie? De m'obliger à faire le sale boulot? Parce que tu n'as même pas eu le courage de me dire clairement les choses, même pas de dire "c'est fini".
Et même pas eu le courage de me dire les choses en face? Tu as été capable, quelques heures avant, de me regarder dans les yeux et de me dire que tout allait bien en sachant pertinemment que nous c'était juste devenu le cadavre de nos jours heureux? Et bien que je sois aujourd'hui capable de dire que j'ai la tête hors de l'eau; qu-est ce que tu penses de la dernière image que tu m'as laissée?
Parce que quand je suis parti prendre le bus, et que la dernière chose que tu m'as dite était "je t'aime" avec un grand sourire; tu pensais que ça allait s'effacer? C'est encore là, c'est là chaque fois que j'essaie de me replonger dans les bons souvenirs; c'est le cancer qui putrifie tout et masque ce qui est important. C'est un traumatisme que mon cerveau ne peut pas gérer. Qui peut gérer ça? Si je fais confiance à mes sens, tu es toujours là, t'es jamais partie, et j'attends juste que tu m'appelles pour me dire de venir te voir jouer le weekend prochain. Comment, dis-moi, suis-je supposé passer outre ça?
Et ça, c'est que l'avant. Appeler mes parents, contacter ma famille, vraiment? Tu peux pas avoir de juste milieu Emma, tu pouvais pas faire ça; si tu décides de partir - et c'est un droit que, malgré le niveau de haine auquel j'ai pu succomber, je ne t'ai jamais dénié - alors tu fermes ta gueule et tu assumes. Tu décides de partir? Laisse moi en dehors de ça.
Après tout ça faisait des mois que je ne faisais plus partie de ta vie; alors enfin que j'ai été poussé vers la sortie, tu veux me faire replonger?
Et les mensonges à retardement, je peux en parler de ça? Le fait que je découvre des choses des mois après, des choses contre lesquelles j'avais eu des promesses, promesses que j'ai été assez stupide pour croire; comment je suis sensé croire quelqu'un maintenant? J'arrive plus à accorder la moindre confiance à qui que ce soit de nouveau dans ma vie. Je peux pas m'ouvrir, parce que je suis devenu quelque peu paranoïaque à l'idée que quelqu'un arrive, je ne sais comment, à me faire mal comme tu m'as fait mal. Je ne pense pas que ce soit possible, mais une fois encore, avant de te connaître; je ne pensais pas que ce serait possible d'avoir mal comme ça.
Tous les obstacles que j'ai du affronter à causes des erreurs que tu as faîtes et qui m'ont frappées à la gueule des jours, des semaines, parfois des mois après; tu as conscience qu'inconsciemment tu as crée ça?
Tu as conscience que tu as tué qui j'étais?
Après, comment j'ai pu t'aimer tout ce temps, et, je ne vais pas me mentir; comment une partie de moi peut encore avoir des sentiments pour toi; c'est une question à laquelle je n'aurai jamais de réponse.
Mais t'étais pas différente des autres Emma. T'es surement pas différente des autres. T'as pas pu changer autant que moi, parce que moi je t'ai pas laissé autant de fantômes et de poison pour te détruire. Et bien que ce soit vrai qu'on partage la faute et que j'ai ma part non négligeable de responsabilité dans cet épilogue, et que j'ai aujourd'hui conscience que des deux, je suis celui qui n'est objectivement pas compatible avec une relation sentimentale; j'aimerais dire aujourd'hui qu'au moment où tu as raccroché; un monde s'est écroulé pour qui j'étais. Et j'y repensais pas trop, j'y prêtais pas trop d'attention, y accordais pas trop d'importance.
Mais aujourd'hui, je ne suis plus le petit garçon que tu as connu, et quand je rejoue la scène, je peux te dire qu'il n'y a qu'un seul mot qui me vient à l'esprit. Et ce mot ne porte aucun jugement sur les moments fantastiques qu'on as eu ensemble, sur la tristesse et le bonheur qu'on a partagés ou sur la misère que tu m'as infligée. Il reflète juste ce que je ressens aujourd'hui vis à vis de qui tu as été cette nuit là, ce moment isolé dans le temps, dans ma vie; juste après être soulagé d'un fardeau trop imposant pour mes épaules à cette époque et juste avant d'être frappé par les conséquences psychologiques de ta décision.
En fait, il traduit juste mon besoin de caraactériser mes idées par le langage.
Et le sentiment de gâchis qui me suit depuis deux ans.
Salope.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uizQVriWp8M
Monday, January 19, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Pinkish sky
I have not had a great week.
And it is hard to explain why, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when. I guess it is my brain's way of telling me I am currently at a crossroads.
I have had night terrors three days in a row.
And last night it was about you.
I was over you, I AM actually; or so I thought. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just turn the page. And why does it feel like status quo deep inside? I have changed, I know that; you are not here anymore and it is totally fine. So why was this dream so vivid?
Why did it feel so real?
Why did it feel so right?
Why did I feel so right?
Why did I want you back? WHY for fucks sake would a part of me still be smitten with the ghost of who you were?
That's necrophilia.
You were beautiful, you were basically everything you used to be. You were there. We were.
We.
And that's not something I thought I would feel again in my life. And I did not, it was just a dream.
Just a fucking dream.
And I failed to end it. As I failed to end it back then when things were going south. And as I failed every step of the way. You are the only thing holding me back, after almost 2 years.
2 years, it's a long time. And yet it still hurts. It doesn't hurt the same.
But it hurts. It does. I can't deny that.
And whatever I do, it will still hurt.
But I knew that, I agreed to those terms and I stick with it, here is not the problem.
I just thought that one day, a girl would show up and would be able to wipe out everything. That she would reset everything, that she would design a new landscape; that she would redefine love. I just thought that as long as I was struggling to keep my head above the water, someone would eventually arrive and rescue me. Call it foolish, call it hopeful; I just thought that one day, another girl would have the power and the strength to light fire inside of me once again, to pick up those pieces and magically build something new with it, with what's left.
I just thought that she would come save me.
But I think I am finally coming to grips with the reality that this girl
She might not exist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwAUca79c4o
And it is hard to explain why, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when. I guess it is my brain's way of telling me I am currently at a crossroads.
I have had night terrors three days in a row.
And last night it was about you.
I was over you, I AM actually; or so I thought. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just turn the page. And why does it feel like status quo deep inside? I have changed, I know that; you are not here anymore and it is totally fine. So why was this dream so vivid?
Why did it feel so real?
Why did it feel so right?
Why did I feel so right?
Why did I want you back? WHY for fucks sake would a part of me still be smitten with the ghost of who you were?
That's necrophilia.
You were beautiful, you were basically everything you used to be. You were there. We were.
We.
And that's not something I thought I would feel again in my life. And I did not, it was just a dream.
Just a fucking dream.
And I failed to end it. As I failed to end it back then when things were going south. And as I failed every step of the way. You are the only thing holding me back, after almost 2 years.
2 years, it's a long time. And yet it still hurts. It doesn't hurt the same.
But it hurts. It does. I can't deny that.
And whatever I do, it will still hurt.
But I knew that, I agreed to those terms and I stick with it, here is not the problem.
I just thought that one day, a girl would show up and would be able to wipe out everything. That she would reset everything, that she would design a new landscape; that she would redefine love. I just thought that as long as I was struggling to keep my head above the water, someone would eventually arrive and rescue me. Call it foolish, call it hopeful; I just thought that one day, another girl would have the power and the strength to light fire inside of me once again, to pick up those pieces and magically build something new with it, with what's left.
I just thought that she would come save me.
But I think I am finally coming to grips with the reality that this girl
She might not exist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwAUca79c4o
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Bullpen
Hey, it was my first date ever
And I didn't really take the wisest decisions. I mean, getting shitfaced the night before, sleeping 5 hours, in hindsight I might have to admit it was not the best idea. Sometimes I still act like I am 16. Or I finally act like I should have been acting when I was 16.
The date was good nevertheless, for me at least. I like her, I had a good time; and I was not expecting that much. I'm relieved. I'm pretty satisfied too.
Yet there was not enough to go to first base, but meh, I can live with that.
It was my first date ever, it was the first girl I actually wanted to see since Emma's been gone. Because I'm moving on, because I have to move on. Because I'm strong enough to get rid of that burden now.
But it is true that it still is a work in progress.
I don't really know if I wanna meet someone to live something again, to feel fully alive again or merely to prove a point. Do I miss these goosebumps, this adrenaline, all those dreams? Or do I just wanna show that in the end, I've moved on with my life too? I don't really know. It is true though that a tangible proof might reassure a lot of people. Not me, for I know pretty well where I'm at right now. Yet it would make it possible to draw the final temporal checkpoint, the most difficult one to accurately determine.
There is a line, and on this line are carved all the milestones. And the thing is, if I am asked to pinpoint the end of the road, I am not actually sure what I would say. Was it when I learned I had a shot at a second chance in life? Was it when I took the plane? When it took off? When it landed? Was it when I asked Chloé out just for her to knock me back? Was it when I asked my date out? Was it when we went out?
Has it yet to come?
This is not really a matter of what anymore, more a matter of when. This is not survival anymore, it is understanding when I fully got my life back, so that I know and so that I can stop rewriting and start filling up new pages. My life deserves it. I deserve it. I'm not asking for much.
I just want to move forward without looking back after every single achievement.
3 days after she dumped me, I vowed that I would never, ever try to love again. I swore I would rather die than breaking this promise.
Well I broke it, big deal eh?
I broke the last thing tying me to my past self. I'm sorry dude, you just didn't know. You didn't know how long it would hurt, you didn't know that you would eventually die and be replaced by someone else, inheriting everything you used to cherish and love except for one.
Her.
And that is exactly why I am stronger, better than who you were. Because I don't have to care about her anymore. I can focus on taking care of the people you loved and who loved you.
Not the one you loved for nothing.
I'm not making excuses; I don't give a fuck about your past resolutions.
I'm living this life now, and I will make sure that the things that really matter will get high priority.
And if I need to forget her for that, I wonder which motherfucke* is gonna prevent me from doing so.
And I guess a second date would help.
Especially if I can get out of the bullpen next time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6EBAnOp5H0
And I didn't really take the wisest decisions. I mean, getting shitfaced the night before, sleeping 5 hours, in hindsight I might have to admit it was not the best idea. Sometimes I still act like I am 16. Or I finally act like I should have been acting when I was 16.
The date was good nevertheless, for me at least. I like her, I had a good time; and I was not expecting that much. I'm relieved. I'm pretty satisfied too.
Yet there was not enough to go to first base, but meh, I can live with that.
It was my first date ever, it was the first girl I actually wanted to see since Emma's been gone. Because I'm moving on, because I have to move on. Because I'm strong enough to get rid of that burden now.
But it is true that it still is a work in progress.
I don't really know if I wanna meet someone to live something again, to feel fully alive again or merely to prove a point. Do I miss these goosebumps, this adrenaline, all those dreams? Or do I just wanna show that in the end, I've moved on with my life too? I don't really know. It is true though that a tangible proof might reassure a lot of people. Not me, for I know pretty well where I'm at right now. Yet it would make it possible to draw the final temporal checkpoint, the most difficult one to accurately determine.
There is a line, and on this line are carved all the milestones. And the thing is, if I am asked to pinpoint the end of the road, I am not actually sure what I would say. Was it when I learned I had a shot at a second chance in life? Was it when I took the plane? When it took off? When it landed? Was it when I asked Chloé out just for her to knock me back? Was it when I asked my date out? Was it when we went out?
Has it yet to come?
This is not really a matter of what anymore, more a matter of when. This is not survival anymore, it is understanding when I fully got my life back, so that I know and so that I can stop rewriting and start filling up new pages. My life deserves it. I deserve it. I'm not asking for much.
I just want to move forward without looking back after every single achievement.
3 days after she dumped me, I vowed that I would never, ever try to love again. I swore I would rather die than breaking this promise.
Well I broke it, big deal eh?
I broke the last thing tying me to my past self. I'm sorry dude, you just didn't know. You didn't know how long it would hurt, you didn't know that you would eventually die and be replaced by someone else, inheriting everything you used to cherish and love except for one.
Her.
And that is exactly why I am stronger, better than who you were. Because I don't have to care about her anymore. I can focus on taking care of the people you loved and who loved you.
Not the one you loved for nothing.
I'm not making excuses; I don't give a fuck about your past resolutions.
I'm living this life now, and I will make sure that the things that really matter will get high priority.
And if I need to forget her for that, I wonder which motherfucke* is gonna prevent me from doing so.
And I guess a second date would help.
Especially if I can get out of the bullpen next time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6EBAnOp5H0
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Winter Break
So I'm done.
And if you ask me, 7 to 10 p.m. is not a time for an exam.
I did not completely laid an egg, though it was not a success either.
Who cares.
I'm done.
I saw Chloé for the last time, it stings a bit. Jeez, I don't even know that girl, I don't even know her real name. Well, I guess I will never know.
Who cares.
I'm done.
I don't know if my grades will plummet with the essays and the exams; I would like to still be in the race for my distinction. It would be nice. But for now
Who cares
I'm done
I'm done and I understand that I belong here. Part of me belongs here, but I've always known that. What I understood though is that I also belong back home. I had always wanted to leave that place, and yet I know I have to go back at some point. Because it is part of who I am.
People don't belong in places, they belong with people. I belong with the ones I love. Whatever the place, I don't care.
There will always be a place left for us right above in the stars. I'm sure of that.
We shall not stop looking for it.
Life's been pretty good to me lately.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJPnilRjYFk&index=2&list=PL56A996AAA411288E
And if you ask me, 7 to 10 p.m. is not a time for an exam.
I did not completely laid an egg, though it was not a success either.
Who cares.
I'm done.
I saw Chloé for the last time, it stings a bit. Jeez, I don't even know that girl, I don't even know her real name. Well, I guess I will never know.
Who cares.
I'm done.
I don't know if my grades will plummet with the essays and the exams; I would like to still be in the race for my distinction. It would be nice. But for now
Who cares
I'm done
I'm done and I understand that I belong here. Part of me belongs here, but I've always known that. What I understood though is that I also belong back home. I had always wanted to leave that place, and yet I know I have to go back at some point. Because it is part of who I am.
People don't belong in places, they belong with people. I belong with the ones I love. Whatever the place, I don't care.
There will always be a place left for us right above in the stars. I'm sure of that.
We shall not stop looking for it.
Life's been pretty good to me lately.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJPnilRjYFk&index=2&list=PL56A996AAA411288E
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Go Seigen passed away.
And I could not explain how much it is going to affect the go world. He was everything. I would like to say that I replayed hundreds of his games since I started playing go. That's not the case. But I read stories about him, dozens of stories; about who he was, what he had to deal with. I didn't know him. I never will.
But I feel bad.
I feel fucking pretty bad.
I would love to say it is a wake-up call, that it will help me play go again, that it will push me to resume my journey. I won't. I made one too many promises like that in the past, never did I keep a single one of them. I just cannot, because I don't know.
All I see in front of me now is a goban.
And it's empty.
And that is how I feel. Empty. I feel pain in my chest, I feel tears on my cheeks. Because he left the go world in the blink of an eye, and he left us all orphans now. And we have to cope.
I did not know the man. But I know a lot about him.
And I know he was great.
And do I really want to give up on something that he, and so many others, spent a lifetime building?
I just, I don't know. I guess I'm just in a state of shock right now.
I just don't know how to react.
All I know is that the world lost today.
I lost today.
We all lost today.
And I will never, ever forget that.
And I could not explain how much it is going to affect the go world. He was everything. I would like to say that I replayed hundreds of his games since I started playing go. That's not the case. But I read stories about him, dozens of stories; about who he was, what he had to deal with. I didn't know him. I never will.
But I feel bad.
I feel fucking pretty bad.
I would love to say it is a wake-up call, that it will help me play go again, that it will push me to resume my journey. I won't. I made one too many promises like that in the past, never did I keep a single one of them. I just cannot, because I don't know.
All I see in front of me now is a goban.
And it's empty.
And that is how I feel. Empty. I feel pain in my chest, I feel tears on my cheeks. Because he left the go world in the blink of an eye, and he left us all orphans now. And we have to cope.
I did not know the man. But I know a lot about him.
And I know he was great.
And do I really want to give up on something that he, and so many others, spent a lifetime building?
I just, I don't know. I guess I'm just in a state of shock right now.
I just don't know how to react.
All I know is that the world lost today.
I lost today.
We all lost today.
And I will never, ever forget that.
Monday, November 10, 2014
A ghost in your bed
Do you know what it feels like to be failed?
To be left on the ground, crawling. Do you know what it's like to look at the asphalt and feel like it would be a good place to crash?
Do you know what it's like to be deprived from your feelings, from your life, from your future, without having your say?
Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning wishing you were dead?
Do you know what it's like to drag your loved ones down?
Do you know what it's like to be stuck in a poisonous mind with nothing but regrets?
Do you know what it's like to realize you've gone too far to come back to who you were?
Do you know what it feels like to become aware that you're far too weak to fight life?
Do you know what it is like to surrender your old self?
Do you know what it is like to bear an injury that won't heal?
Because I know what it feels like starting from scratch,
I know what it's like to change for the better,
I know what it means to become someone else,
I know what it's like to stand up and fight again,
I know what it's like to long for a better future,
I know what it's like to grow up,
I know what it's like to succeed,
I know what it feels like to fulfill my dreams,
I know what trying to be someone means,
I know what it's like to be scarred
We don't know the meaning behind the stars,
We don't know the reason behind our laughs,
We don't know if we can fathom what the big plan is,
But we know we're going together, whatever comes up
We know we can make do with that little thing that will forever keep us going
We know that our tears paved the way for something great to come
Some imbeciles still believe that they can fight their way through life with their guts.
Do you?
Because I do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27d138zhyZQ
To be left on the ground, crawling. Do you know what it's like to look at the asphalt and feel like it would be a good place to crash?
Do you know what it's like to be deprived from your feelings, from your life, from your future, without having your say?
Do you know what it's like to wake up in the morning wishing you were dead?
Do you know what it's like to drag your loved ones down?
Do you know what it's like to be stuck in a poisonous mind with nothing but regrets?
Do you know what it's like to realize you've gone too far to come back to who you were?
Do you know what it feels like to become aware that you're far too weak to fight life?
Do you know what it is like to surrender your old self?
Do you know what it is like to bear an injury that won't heal?
Because I know what it feels like starting from scratch,
I know what it's like to change for the better,
I know what it means to become someone else,
I know what it's like to stand up and fight again,
I know what it's like to long for a better future,
I know what it's like to grow up,
I know what it's like to succeed,
I know what it feels like to fulfill my dreams,
I know what trying to be someone means,
I know what it's like to be scarred
We don't know the meaning behind the stars,
We don't know the reason behind our laughs,
We don't know if we can fathom what the big plan is,
But we know we're going together, whatever comes up
We know we can make do with that little thing that will forever keep us going
We know that our tears paved the way for something great to come
Some imbeciles still believe that they can fight their way through life with their guts.
Do you?
Because I do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27d138zhyZQ
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