I don't even know what's left to say now, after everything I've written for the past few months. Repeating myself, in a loop. But anyway, that may be because things do not change that much finally.
Let's be honest.
I've changed everything, from the complete outfit to the music I listen to, from projects to dreams; even switching the important things and the little ones in order for this all to match the idea I have of who I want to be. Or else who I don't want to be anymore.
The whole point is, in insight I may have rewinded the outside, but life hasn't changed much. I mean, this year's time course is no different from last's, neither are the people around, nor everything else in fact.
You're just gone now, and you've taken something with you which is undefinable, but translates into a huge gap in the middle.
I'm not thinking the exact same way now though. So I might not be as much an untangible being as I deceive myself into thinking I am.
This week is a bye week. I'm home all alone, with my head to think, and that's about everything.
I still dream of you on some occasions; and that still isn't an enjoyable experience.
At all.
But here I am.
Having almost given up on go. The other day during dinner my mom said " you've stopped playing go right? "
I just couldn't say yes. I'm clinging to that thing a little more than I would have believed, but still.
Even if my go isn't completely dead, it's very arguably dying. And I'm not going to adress this today. Nor tomorrow.
So it will have to wait a little; and if it can't, then it will be what you call a loss.
I'm trying to throw the football better every day, and I'm doing a decent job at it. After 4 days I'm almost at the point of throwing good spirals most of the time. I lack arm strenght, I lack velocity, I lack speed and athleticism. I also lack a receiver, since one of my balls broke a finger of my brother's after a mere day of practice. So I cast, then have to walk to pick up the ball..
I'm overdoing it, disrespecting health principles, and so my arm hurts. I'm perfectly following the process to learn how to throw well; but completely missing the part about how to do it the good way.
I'm throwing the ball as if it would be an exit, as if it would equal to puking the overthought toughts.
Not working.
I'm ready to begin working for the big goal, and even though it still feels a little like going against my own nature for now, I think I'll get accustomed to it pretty soon.
Soon enough hopefully.
Oddly enough, I've gained a lot more confidence over the past few weeks. While the normal reaction would have been to once more dig my pride's own grave, seems like it had the opposite effect.
I feel so damn confident about a lot more; I think it is certainly the result of the "let's toughen" part of the story. Except for you, I'm afraid of a whole less.
I still don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. The big difference now is I traded being a chicken for a much stronger and determined confident spirit; and I traded innocence for realism.
Ah, and I was about to forget.
I traded you for nothing.
Work, football, I have another dream to fulfill now, but let's be honest
Even though I want it more than anything today
Without you by my side
It feels a lot like a consolation prize.
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