Hide and seek

So I'm supposed to move my arse now.

There is a really cute girl in my class. But you know, not the I'm-gonna-look-at-some-pictures-of-hers on-Fb-with-my-friends-between-two-episodes-of-How-not-to-live-your-life cute - more the that-one-might-actually-be-worth-going-for-it cute type.
So, how I am supposed to talk to her? What am I supposed to say? I don't know.
I did not know.
And last week she was here alone, and soaked in cowardice as I usually am, I did not move.
But yesterday, I did not want to have any regret anymore.

I had been planning for a whole week, repeating what I was gonna do at least 150 times in my head.
It sounded great.
It always does.

I could not eat for the entire day. I had a 30 hour empty stomach, but meh, I can cope with that.
Then everything got out of control. Nothing happened as planned.
But that was planned, because if there is one sure thing that doesn't change; it's the fact that things won't ever go according to plan. It is the only constant.

But I was still confident.
I thought so.

She arrived, and everything collapsed at once. I was 15 again. 7 years vanishing in a split second. God it did not feel good.
And I made up my mind.
I'm not going. I'd rather be a coward my entire life.

Hell no, not again dude; get your shit together. Change for good.
Go for it god damn it.

The struggle went on for 20 minutes, and when I finally got back to my seat, I was not sure I would do anything.

And then she sat.

Just in front of me.

She was 30 centimeters away. There is no going back from there.
I just stood up and went for it.

What ensued is completely blurred in my memory. I stuttered, I panicked, I asked her out.

She cold-bloodedly said no.
And that was it.

Well, except for the fact that I still had 2 hours to go feeling ashamed and ridiculous with her just there to remind me that, well, things won't always be as I wish they would.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Looking at the bright side, it was a nice change of pace. I showed I had some balls, I finally managed to - somehow - psych myself up and try.

But I am not one to give a fuck about the bright side. Yeah, I tried, but it was to no avail; so what's the point? On the way back home I felt like it was a back-to-square-one-kind of thing. I thought there was no way on earth she could say yes. Well, that's what I was telling everyone all week long, but truth is; I really was waiting for a yes.
And I won't lie, it kinda hurt. It hurt to fail. God knows I don't deal very well with failure. Not that I don't adress it successfully, usually I do,
Just that it makes me feel like I'm still not strong enough to succeed.
And I hate the feeling.

It is the very first time in my life a girl is completely out of league. I realized that upon talking to her yesterday. "What the hell are you doing?  She is out of reach".
She was.

Usually I find a way to increase odds. Even when my chances are looking grim, there is some hope.
The 0.0001%.

When I looked in her eyes, for the first time in my life, I saw a 0.000%

And it was kind of fascinating/overwhelming/disappointing.
Disappointing is the best mood to describe it I guess, so let's go with that one.

Sure I am disappointed. I am facing a wall. Sorry, I faced a wall. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this whole thing is over. But, on the other hand, what an incredible feeling to discover something that I can't even possibly achieve. Makes me wonder.

Can I beat the 0.000% ?

I have a feeling that in the future I will. When I get even stronger I will.
For now let's just swallow the pill and learn from it.
Because for every step back, it's another mile forward, right?

This time, I can say next time.



Too bad though, she really was the she-could-definitely-be-the-one-that-would-help-me-start-over cute type.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP077RitNAc

The picture in my wallet

Time flies. And it's been a long time now. I have kept most pictures on an SD card, hidden in the back of a drawer back home. A few of them were printed and stuck to my photo album.

And one last picture has always been there with me, without anyone really knowing. Hidden in my wallet, a single photograph; that was there to tie the last part of me that is still somehow struggling to make sense of it all since you've been gone. A single photograph on which you are not even smiling, you don't even look happy. But when I took it off the counter at your place without anyone noticing back then, you seemed pretty to me. And it has been with me since.

I would go on for weeks without thinking about that little photograph, until it would accidentally fall onto the ground or I would realize I was missing you some nights after getting drunk. It was there even when I hit the milestones of my recovery. It was there even when I wanted you not to exist anymore. It was there even when I realized I was finally over you.

And last night I took it into my hand, and wondered if I would have the courage to get rid of it, throw it away somewhere; just like I did with Marion's bell a few years ago.

Sure I still have Rex and pas, sure I still have all the presents you gave me; but these are mine, these are my property; it's part of me now. That picture never has been.

I could not talk myself into throwing it away yesterday. I tried to tear it up for a split second, before hastily putting it back where it belonged. I could not do it, I don't know why, I was not strong enough to surrender that last piece of love that was binding me to my old self, to you, to our story. And I told myself, that's fine; next time I will certainly be ready, I can still do it then.

How many times have I said that in my life? When I was in my teens, when I was a young adult, since I arrived here to start my new life? But what good would it do if I can't even make my mind and decide to change the very thing that is wrong with me? Why am I afraid of girls, of go, of English, of life? Why am I scared to take chances and actually try when it comes to the things I love?

I don't want this to be me anymore. There is no next time, never. There is only now, or wasted opportunities.

How long am I going to wait for things to miraculously happen to me without even moving an inch?

Not this time, not today.

So I took the photograph out of the wallet, and started tearing it up in the middle. It was hard. Literally. I didn't have enough strength in my arms to tear the photographic paper. So I started ripping the picture away with my teeth, until it finally tore. I looked one last time at these two pieces and what they meant to me.
And I realized that the answer was, not much anymore.
And I thew it away.

I won't let things go south because of my sitting still and just watching things go downhill because I am scared anymore. I am most certainly weak, imperfect and a bit of an outcast; but from now on;

I will fight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixfoo6AsH1c

Back and forth

Come to think of it, life can behave in an eerily funny manner. It never goes back, yet sometimes happens to recreate past situations, adapted to the environment and the new characters.

I didn't find it. I didn't find a cure for you. I spent forever trying to separate our past adventure from my life; to break that state in which they were so intertwined even after there was no story left to unfold. It was rotting and trying to drag the best part of me down.
It did not succeed.
I remember how life kept bullying me when you left me, and how every single day was a struggle. I remember that every evening, I would think I had just suffered one more loss at the hands of life. Pulling up a tie was the greatest of victories at the time.
It is not the case anymore.
I remember how much I was in love with you and thought no matter what, my memories of you would keep acting as a poison for the rest of my life.
I'm over you.

I am winning now. I kept searching for answers, without ever finding them. Meanwhile, my self took care or the rest and did a great job. And now I realize there was nothing to find; not a single thing whatsoever. I misunderstood the problem : I had to lose something. You know, as long as a fish is living in its fish tank, he can't possibly know what water is; only upon being taken out of it will he understand. I thought I had to leave and I was damn right. I needed to definitely lose you to live without the ghost of our past hunting me.

There is still a tiny little concern though : what am I supposed to make of this pile of crap that once was my heart? You can see blood pumping though ground meet, and it's taking care of business, I mean as far as keeping me alive in the literal sense of the term. It is not really able to do anything else though.

I mean, I still have feelings. At least, I still remember what they are and my brain processes them. But it does not come from my heart anymore. My brain recalls and does its best impersonation of a heart. My actual heart doesn't remember.
And I am sure it never will be able to, because he's been through one too many struggles. Emma was the last nail. And love is something my heart has forgotten how to create. There is no solution to this problem, I won't ever be able to restore what's long been lost.

I won't ever be able to remember how to love.
Fine then, I just have to do what one does when they forget.
I will just have to learn again.


She is cute, she doesn't know I exist, I don't know her name; so we had to come up with one. Does it ring a bell? It was a long time ago, yet it doesn't seem unfamiliar. Sure, I don't have butterflies in my stomach when I look at her, but I feel ridiculous when she's around, I'm struggling to know if I should go-or not. I am trying to find excuses to chicken out just to have life give me incredible opportunities. Sure today I am 22 and not 16 anymore. Sure I don't write poems anymore.

Sure I don't know how to love anymore.
But I am fucking learning to do so.

Suit

I don't know why.

I don't get why, how come I always chicken out? How come I am so soaked in cowardice?
Tonight I had my chances again, with several girls. My brain just did what it's used to doing : focusing on the one. That ruins everything for the other girls.
But that would not be a problem in itself if I actually had some balls to move my arse and go talk to her. I don't know, something inside doesn't allow me to man up.

She was there, she was alone; and I had been staring at her for hours. My legs were ready to move. My body was ready to act normally. My voice was ready to do its best. My heart was not even freaking out.
But my head decided otherwise.

"Nevermind"

No, I never mind. That's why I am alone. That's why I always end up making nothing out of something. I fail to grasp the moment; I fail to take chances. Because I am fucking afraid of what's going to happen;

Not if she says no.

But if she actually says yes.

I don't want anyone to see what's inside. I am scared, I am afraid to open myself again and have someone mess everything up once more.

But I can't live like that. Not forever. At some point, I will have to live.

Mom did not make the kindest bet of them all, but it was calculated and objectively the best.
And if you don't stop hoping for me to do better,

She's gonna make a ton of money at your expense guys.

Next time. But last time I already said next time. It's high time it was this time.

I need some day dream.