Hide and seek

So I'm supposed to move my arse now.

There is a really cute girl in my class. But you know, not the I'm-gonna-look-at-some-pictures-of-hers on-Fb-with-my-friends-between-two-episodes-of-How-not-to-live-your-life cute - more the that-one-might-actually-be-worth-going-for-it cute type.
So, how I am supposed to talk to her? What am I supposed to say? I don't know.
I did not know.
And last week she was here alone, and soaked in cowardice as I usually am, I did not move.
But yesterday, I did not want to have any regret anymore.

I had been planning for a whole week, repeating what I was gonna do at least 150 times in my head.
It sounded great.
It always does.

I could not eat for the entire day. I had a 30 hour empty stomach, but meh, I can cope with that.
Then everything got out of control. Nothing happened as planned.
But that was planned, because if there is one sure thing that doesn't change; it's the fact that things won't ever go according to plan. It is the only constant.

But I was still confident.
I thought so.

She arrived, and everything collapsed at once. I was 15 again. 7 years vanishing in a split second. God it did not feel good.
And I made up my mind.
I'm not going. I'd rather be a coward my entire life.

Hell no, not again dude; get your shit together. Change for good.
Go for it god damn it.

The struggle went on for 20 minutes, and when I finally got back to my seat, I was not sure I would do anything.

And then she sat.

Just in front of me.

She was 30 centimeters away. There is no going back from there.
I just stood up and went for it.

What ensued is completely blurred in my memory. I stuttered, I panicked, I asked her out.

She cold-bloodedly said no.
And that was it.

Well, except for the fact that I still had 2 hours to go feeling ashamed and ridiculous with her just there to remind me that, well, things won't always be as I wish they would.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Looking at the bright side, it was a nice change of pace. I showed I had some balls, I finally managed to - somehow - psych myself up and try.

But I am not one to give a fuck about the bright side. Yeah, I tried, but it was to no avail; so what's the point? On the way back home I felt like it was a back-to-square-one-kind of thing. I thought there was no way on earth she could say yes. Well, that's what I was telling everyone all week long, but truth is; I really was waiting for a yes.
And I won't lie, it kinda hurt. It hurt to fail. God knows I don't deal very well with failure. Not that I don't adress it successfully, usually I do,
Just that it makes me feel like I'm still not strong enough to succeed.
And I hate the feeling.

It is the very first time in my life a girl is completely out of league. I realized that upon talking to her yesterday. "What the hell are you doing?  She is out of reach".
She was.

Usually I find a way to increase odds. Even when my chances are looking grim, there is some hope.
The 0.0001%.

When I looked in her eyes, for the first time in my life, I saw a 0.000%

And it was kind of fascinating/overwhelming/disappointing.
Disappointing is the best mood to describe it I guess, so let's go with that one.

Sure I am disappointed. I am facing a wall. Sorry, I faced a wall. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this whole thing is over. But, on the other hand, what an incredible feeling to discover something that I can't even possibly achieve. Makes me wonder.

Can I beat the 0.000% ?

I have a feeling that in the future I will. When I get even stronger I will.
For now let's just swallow the pill and learn from it.
Because for every step back, it's another mile forward, right?

This time, I can say next time.



Too bad though, she really was the she-could-definitely-be-the-one-that-would-help-me-start-over cute type.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP077RitNAc