Suit

I don't know why.

I don't get why, how come I always chicken out? How come I am so soaked in cowardice?
Tonight I had my chances again, with several girls. My brain just did what it's used to doing : focusing on the one. That ruins everything for the other girls.
But that would not be a problem in itself if I actually had some balls to move my arse and go talk to her. I don't know, something inside doesn't allow me to man up.

She was there, she was alone; and I had been staring at her for hours. My legs were ready to move. My body was ready to act normally. My voice was ready to do its best. My heart was not even freaking out.
But my head decided otherwise.

"Nevermind"

No, I never mind. That's why I am alone. That's why I always end up making nothing out of something. I fail to grasp the moment; I fail to take chances. Because I am fucking afraid of what's going to happen;

Not if she says no.

But if she actually says yes.

I don't want anyone to see what's inside. I am scared, I am afraid to open myself again and have someone mess everything up once more.

But I can't live like that. Not forever. At some point, I will have to live.

Mom did not make the kindest bet of them all, but it was calculated and objectively the best.
And if you don't stop hoping for me to do better,

She's gonna make a ton of money at your expense guys.

Next time. But last time I already said next time. It's high time it was this time.

I need some day dream.