Back and forth

Come to think of it, life can behave in an eerily funny manner. It never goes back, yet sometimes happens to recreate past situations, adapted to the environment and the new characters.

I didn't find it. I didn't find a cure for you. I spent forever trying to separate our past adventure from my life; to break that state in which they were so intertwined even after there was no story left to unfold. It was rotting and trying to drag the best part of me down.
It did not succeed.
I remember how life kept bullying me when you left me, and how every single day was a struggle. I remember that every evening, I would think I had just suffered one more loss at the hands of life. Pulling up a tie was the greatest of victories at the time.
It is not the case anymore.
I remember how much I was in love with you and thought no matter what, my memories of you would keep acting as a poison for the rest of my life.
I'm over you.

I am winning now. I kept searching for answers, without ever finding them. Meanwhile, my self took care or the rest and did a great job. And now I realize there was nothing to find; not a single thing whatsoever. I misunderstood the problem : I had to lose something. You know, as long as a fish is living in its fish tank, he can't possibly know what water is; only upon being taken out of it will he understand. I thought I had to leave and I was damn right. I needed to definitely lose you to live without the ghost of our past hunting me.

There is still a tiny little concern though : what am I supposed to make of this pile of crap that once was my heart? You can see blood pumping though ground meet, and it's taking care of business, I mean as far as keeping me alive in the literal sense of the term. It is not really able to do anything else though.

I mean, I still have feelings. At least, I still remember what they are and my brain processes them. But it does not come from my heart anymore. My brain recalls and does its best impersonation of a heart. My actual heart doesn't remember.
And I am sure it never will be able to, because he's been through one too many struggles. Emma was the last nail. And love is something my heart has forgotten how to create. There is no solution to this problem, I won't ever be able to restore what's long been lost.

I won't ever be able to remember how to love.
Fine then, I just have to do what one does when they forget.
I will just have to learn again.


She is cute, she doesn't know I exist, I don't know her name; so we had to come up with one. Does it ring a bell? It was a long time ago, yet it doesn't seem unfamiliar. Sure, I don't have butterflies in my stomach when I look at her, but I feel ridiculous when she's around, I'm struggling to know if I should go-or not. I am trying to find excuses to chicken out just to have life give me incredible opportunities. Sure today I am 22 and not 16 anymore. Sure I don't write poems anymore.

Sure I don't know how to love anymore.
But I am fucking learning to do so.