Comfort Zone

I've been riding life's rollercoaster for a week now. It has been a fairly interesting time span, during which I've had the chance to experience the thrill of oxygen flowing right into my lungs without slapping me on the face. A big ball of brand new fresh air recoloring my entrails - a nice changeof pace from the stale, dry and smothering substance I had to take in for years. However the wagon has not yet started to fall.
It's not the first ticket I've bought, I remember the ups and downs; I have some recollection of the dizzying and numbing feeling of getting closer to the sun and the fear of falling nowhere fast.
I have never been one for adrenaline. But I've been enjoying it so far nonetheless.

I know. I know. We all know.
I need to calm down. I need to gain some much needed perspective out of all this. I've always complained about being on the outside looking in. It would not be a bad thing for me to step out for a second and reflect.
I am getting ahead of myself and I'm becoming delusional, borderline insane. My world is trying to swallow the bitter universe, but this illusion of grandeur will bring doomsday about if I don't do anything to hit the brakes- for there is no way my world's stomach could take everything in.
I don't want my existence to belch again for some time before eventually vomiting the surplus of happiness. I don't want to be empty, to lose that consistency of my being once more.

This ride is already among my three most memorable ones. It has to be. Because it is the first one I chose not to step away from. I had a choice for once, and I still took the chance. So that one's gonna be on me, whatever the outcome.
Most importantly, because in the grand scheme of things, it's had a significant impact in a ludicrously minuscule time frame. I am changing right before my eyes. More than in a long time. I am regaining things I did not even remember existed in the first place.
Maybe that's inaccurate.
Maybe I'm just getting new things that were never there before.
And for all that I am thankful.

And I know, I know the fall is gonna have an Icarus feeling to it. But I don't want to prepare for it. It was my mistake last time - it does not hurt less anyway. I'll cope.
I am willing to.

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Of course I know I am not in love. I have learned my lesson and haven't forgotten it. I know I am not Hugh Grant.

But who can blame me for being disoriented? After all these years, how could anyone blame me for being a kid on a trampoline? I think I deserve a little bit of that, I've earned it. 

I've earned the right to be genuinely happy, if just for a couple hours a week, even if it ends tomorrow. Even if it ended yesterday.

I have a fundamental right to taste the thrill and bathe in it. 

I finally possess the ability to try and be ecstatic for a little while. 

Please don't take that away from me. 

Not yet.

Not yet.

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I was beyond repair, without caveat.

And she is not going to repair me, because she does not want to, and she would not know how to do it.

But she's been showing me something essential; something that no one else could have discovered;

She's been proving that I can be fixed.

Thank her for the quantum leap.

*Hey listen, I think it's started playing some feelings on its own?*