Squirrelzilla

"For real, your heart's just made out of paper dude"

It is funny how language works - or rather does not. 

I decided to shave tonight, on a whim, declaring to myself it would be a nice stepping stone from which to jump to the other side of the day. 

So I scrapped the fire off my face and it stopped to burn. I bled - albeit littler than usual - but it's the way things go. And as the blades were methodically and relentlessly butchering my face, as they were tearing through this fury foxy coat, I started to feel naked; almost as if forced to undress before a crowd of feelings. 

And the flames kept burning out, and I kept the claws scratching. Take it away, take it all away. 

So that no one else will.

I felt good afterwards, a sight, a sigh of relief, satisfaction of coming to terms with my own decisions. 

I'm going to relapse, because my face is an arsonist, and I cannot put it away for eternity.

Yet, what I don't know is the language that would better describe the proverbial struggle that comes with every forest fire that goes. 

In English, I'm gonna grow a beard again. That means I am willing to actively infant, nurture, raise anew the source of the flames and let it ravage everything knowingly, by choice, hoping for something I haven't quite figured out yet - before putting and end to its misery when I think it's past its heyday.

In French, the beard is gonna grow on me. Literally. Without my consent, it will inscreasingly occupy more and more space on my face, grow thicker and more intense; and I don't really have a say in this - my only alternative being to murder it before it takes over and starts to, well, grow on me. Proverbially.

This is where the idea cannot fully translate. This is the space between the frontiers, the purgatory where the farthest ideas roam aimlessly, seeking a place to eventually land, unable to make up their minds.

My beard is gone. And with it I got rid of you.

Indeed, I AM completely insane. I gave far too big a meaning to you. In the end, it was nice to get to touch your life a little, but you were no big deal. If you look at the bigger picture, two weeks, they're not going to change much.

But what people seem to be blind to, what they could not get their eyes to see, is not the way I touched your life. But the way you touched mine.

You were the one with the only key to enable my release. You allowed me to leave my cell behind.

And of course it hurts, it hurts to think that I am just another toy in your little box. Of course it hurts to be bound by promises restraining me yet again. Of course I would have loved to have a shot at carving my way into your heart. Of course I would have loved a shot at loving you. Of course I would have loved you.

But I play by the rules, and the rules never allow that. Fine. 

I cope.

Still, I hurt, even so slightly. It's not a pleasant mind pattern, I don't enjoy the pain per se. But I am hurting. And what a breakthrough.

You are, unbeknownst to you, the best escape artist in there. Nobody will ever be able to do what you did, and nobody will hold the place you will forever be assigned to in my heart. That's how things are. In retrospect I will want to take it back. But retrospect does not mean shit when it comes to feelings. Because the very fact that we feel means it's volatile. You catch the flight and hang on as long as you can, and when it's gone, the memories are just pictures devoid of colors.

The world had been lacking those colors. I was seeing the same shapes, understanding the beauty similarly, but I lacked the explosion in my pupils. Now I see.

You did not take the decision to leave, because you were never really here. And I know we could go on like that, I could cling to hopeless illusions and start building a new cell in which I could rest, comfortably numb. But not this time. You took me by the hand and made me feel what it's like out there. 

And truth be told, I am secretly longing I could never let go of your hand. But I can't force you. I can't help you if you don't need help. I won't hang onto you if my chances don't get above the minuses. So I let go.

I will never have the courage to repel your hand if ever it appears next to mine, even if for a mere few seconds, for temporary bliss. I will never be fool enough to refuse a kiss. But I won't be too stupid again. 

You were wrong when you said that you were not the fantastic little thing in my life.

You were right to say I was not the fantastic little thing in yours.

So I'm going cold turkey this time. And I am aware that I will relapse. But for now it seems to me that it's the best course of action available for the taking.

For the first time I am taking my leave, and I don't know if ever I will return. 

With my hedaphones on, listening to Japanese music, nursing a dirty glass of Japanese whiskey, turning my back on the starless sky, pouting, I pour my lines out. 

Because of course my heart is made of paper. It is brand new. So I need to take extra care of it.

I have your smile in my eyes, your laugh in my ears, your body tattooed on my brain. The look in my eyes when I look into yours will be the first ever memory I will shelter in the little box.

You are the most beautiful girl I've ever met. You are the special treatment I needed to successfully suck off the venom. 

I will be grateful for life. And for starters, I will leave, as a parting gift.

Because we've both started to worry about the same thing.

Me with you is starting to scare you. You have begun to admit that I was dangerous, for if you are the best escape artist, as a break-in specialist

I'm in a league of my own.

I won't have you go through the trouble of me. You deserve what you think is best. And you don't think it's me.

So let me dismiss myself gracefully

Before I'm too far gone.

So I am hurting, and that hurts. But if I can hurt today, and as painful as it may be, maybe it means that I can feel again, maybe it opened the crack to the other side as well.

Maybe, and just maybe

If I am hurting today

I might be happy the day after tomorrow.

Maybe I can.

____________________________________________________________

No, I can't help it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYhHY77j9L8