I have so many songs in my head that I can't hear the thoughts in my ears shut up. I was not programed to deal with that stuff. It's outdated data, the kind I am not equipped to analyze anymore. I am at a loss for whatever.
It's already been three years I threw all this over the bridge and decided to go forward. Not backward. Yet I've been walking ahead with head turned around all this time, haven't I? Out of fear, because the task of starting over is daunting and the memories are haunting. Yet I had worked out a system, I had managed to shape myself into a normalized engine that processed things like an extremely well human being. Made of flesh, blood, but without a feelings box to hinder the whole.
Well fast forward to the future present of my past, and I'm in the middle of a predicament, aren't I now? For something is showing where the hole was left pillaged. And a grave digger may have found a seed. Or may not, for all I know.
But the landscape has changed.
I don't like to make a big deal out of my birthday. But I like it.
It has not always been the case.
When I was younger, I did not care much for it.
When the filling of my heart was ripped away from me, I altogether refused to celebrate it.
Ever since, it has been an occasion to look to the sky and in the eyes so as to show him that this particular today, I win. And that I will keep on winning.
This birthday was not supposed to be different.
This birthday you were not supposed to be here.
But well, things happen, am I right?
Life is possibly the worst opponent one can face. Because just like a machine it does not get tired, frustrated, anxious. But you can. And however good your reading skills can be, it will always find a way to refute your brilliant moves. But it makes mistakes sometimes, because it's not perfect; it opens up opportunities for you to take, as if it were probing you to gauge your strength.
So while you might get flummoxed, taste despair or grow seethed, at some point there will be an open crack.
Up to you to dig further.
Usually, I don't. I just don't, because something tells me not to. So I find excuses, I back off, I throw in the towel delusionally talking myself into thinking it's best. And who is to say otherwise? What did not happen can't be proven to have been better. Albeit not a great way, it is a path I've walked down one too many times because something was not right. My gut feeling was saying no.
This time it was shouting yes all over the place.
I did not have the kind of exhilarating intuition I once got with Marion. It was not the ominous one that tried to warn me about Emma - to no avail. There was nothing at all, actually. She was there, she had arrived, and while my brain was computing and my heart was AWOL, my guts did not seem to care. Yet there is no doubt that opened the crack.
And as the night went by, as the shenanigans started to pile on, as I was starting to become more human in a way - and not a good one - my guts began acknowledging the mistake that life had just made, one it had never made before.
It had just given me a shot at something I would be willing to fight for.
And so it became. My guts took over and switched my brain off after all these years. In case of an emergency, it had always been a secret ability that was to never be used. For it to be applied, both heart and guts had to agree. Heart was nowhere to be found.
And that is how the engine was forcefully put to rest.
I was left here, with what is arguably the strongest weapon I've ever had, without any hindrance sealing its power away. It made things easy. And there is a reason for that.
It had played against life so many times that even if it could not read everything out, it knew.
It knew life could not counter that one.
I was not shaking, nor was I anguishing. I was deprived from my thinking functionnality.
And I just played it all out like I was supposed to.
And it changed my world, even if just a little bit.
It opened the eyes of my soul, and I came to the realization that all this time, I was not the strong character who had built a castle of glass in which to stay sheltered and imprisoned. I've been a fragile piece of a human being who had managed to erect too sturdy a monument. In those three long years, I had never once allowed anything to break in through to me. I was never forbidden from tasting the outside, but I would not get myself hurt.
I refused to get hurt.
I refused to be human.
The realm has fallen. The crown is broken. All hail the world.
It did not take much. It was never going to take much of anything, really. I just needed the right thing. And all had always built up to this, to this moment I would know would break my self-induced pain.
It was just what I needed, a moment suspended in time, hanging on by invisible threads forming a safe bubble in which I could blow the seal away.
I felt alive, for the first time in forever. Maybe not forever. But in at least forever.
And I needed not any more. Because unlike the previous turns in my life, this one did not come with the leech element attached to it. It's not something I have to cling to in order not to fall. It is something that gets tattooed on my soul and will not vanish. A triumphant scar picturing a victory over life.
All this time I just wanted to feel alive.
Now as to how, this is quite simple: my Cinderella requirement was met. That is, she took me by the hand to show me the open world. Not the other way around. If this is not what triggered the mistake in the first place, it was the move that decisively gave me the upper hand and the confidence that I would not let this one get out of hand.
Now it might be nothing more. And I would have been glad with just that. I did not expect a door to be open for a sequel, happy with a lacklustre happily ever for now. It took me by surprise, and I don't quite know what to do with it. But my brain's been turned back on, and it has been trying to process too much for the past couple of days.
That's normal, and I don't know when guts will finally tell it,
But it's broken, and it won't be fixed.
This device does not work well enough for what I need. It is too biased towards calculations and not enough towards what I can't see. I need to use what I can't see to see what is right before my eyes.
Yet it has been exhausting. For the scars of my past remain, and while they have been covered up, possibly only temporarily, and don't hurt for now; the memories that are the wounds underneath them have etched my soul with unfogrettable holes. And I don't want to reproduce those mistakes.
So I keep my head just below the clouds.
I would love to let go and dive in them, for they are euphoria imfeelingated. They are a safe bubble in which you are immune to hazard. They fill you with the warmth of the stars without overwhelming you with the heat of the sun. They show you a clear sky above the foggy reality. But beware, because euphoria is a powerful drug. It feeds on your contents to grow, and when nothing is left, it leaves you behind and empty. So when the cloud is ripe, it will pour you down.
And I am not sure I could weather that if I kept my guard down.
So I consciously hamper myself and stand just below, in order to have a split second to dodge if furious hail starts swarming my world. But it's sapping. It gradually crumbles my armor and rusts my sword.
I know that part of myself more than I should. That's the only part I know of actually, because it's the one that has made most mistakes in the past. And I've learnt from them. It's the part of me that has been exposed, tampered with, the one that toppled in the past too many times for me to recollect. And I know of its gullible nature. It will fall for anything. It will bet everything on a whim. Make no mistake, that part is at the core of my being. It is the very essence of who I am, the thing that shows when you scratch off the multiple layers of wallpapers. It is me, so to speak. But me is dangerous to myself. Because me has been stuck in Groundhog Day. While I learn from its mistakes, it repeats the same process over and over again, foolishly thinking what's wrong is not the approach, but the issue parameters. Using it always leads to a similar result. But on the other hand, this might be the most human part of my being; the very recipient of the real world, what bounds my existence to the materiality of it all. It's what is behind my greatest mistakes and my most surprising victories.
It is what was dug out a few hours ago.
Now I am not gonna set it free so easily. Neither will I make the mistake of leashing it. But I don't know the in-between solution.
Today I would like to find something in between.
Because I am not ready to bleed again, but I am far beyond acting so as not to.
I don't want to think about tomorrow, but tomorrow, I will have to think about the today. And while I will be different, the same real world dilemma will just turn into a cancer and grow to disproportionate size.
To oversimplify, I don't know if I am ready for something that does not exist; if I am not ready for something that is mine for the taking, if I am backing down from an illusion, or if I am willing to go for what is mine to lose.
I don't know jack shit.
I've been given a new feelings box, and I seem to know its mechanism. It's pretty similar to the previous one, except maybe cleaner since it has never been thrown away yet.
Now the real question is, do I try to use it.
I've been trying to stay neutral in all endeavors of late, which is like spitting on my very existence. I am not here to stay still. The unease and sentiment of doom only disappear when I put everything in the balance.
They disappeared the other night, the other morning, and it wiped the slate clean. Whatever comes next, I'll face it with newfound resolve. If I decide to bleed, I will bleed a new blood. If I fall, I will face the sky. If I want to turn back, I won't let it change my course.
I am going to take care of this feelings box, I am going to nurture it right this time. The second coming will be nothing like the first. Or maybe it will. But no matter what, it will be different.
The only question is whether I choose to baptize it now, and take the chance of drowning it; as my hopes suffocate and my dreams sink away.
And the real problem is that there is a major discrepancy between my universe and the real world. And the link is pristine, it has never been tested, hence its inability to act accordingly.
And because both worlds have a set of rules that often doesn't apply to the other, I am clueless.
And as my skin burns with the scars of a new beginning, as my brain let itself reach too close to euphoria, as my heart has come back to long for utopia and as my lungs breathe a brand new air of feeling; my guts have taken over at long last and lead the way to something.
I don't know what that something is, but there is something beyond the crossroads.
Now I just need to pick my poison and let my veins run with it.
But whatever happens next, I won't forget that with you in my arms, and like never before and certainly never again,
I felt alive.
And life will never be able to take that away from me. Ever.
So if just for this once,
I won.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfAkM1sSx44
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