Suit

I don't know why.

I don't get why, how come I always chicken out? How come I am so soaked in cowardice?
Tonight I had my chances again, with several girls. My brain just did what it's used to doing : focusing on the one. That ruins everything for the other girls.
But that would not be a problem in itself if I actually had some balls to move my arse and go talk to her. I don't know, something inside doesn't allow me to man up.

She was there, she was alone; and I had been staring at her for hours. My legs were ready to move. My body was ready to act normally. My voice was ready to do its best. My heart was not even freaking out.
But my head decided otherwise.

"Nevermind"

No, I never mind. That's why I am alone. That's why I always end up making nothing out of something. I fail to grasp the moment; I fail to take chances. Because I am fucking afraid of what's going to happen;

Not if she says no.

But if she actually says yes.

I don't want anyone to see what's inside. I am scared, I am afraid to open myself again and have someone mess everything up once more.

But I can't live like that. Not forever. At some point, I will have to live.

Mom did not make the kindest bet of them all, but it was calculated and objectively the best.
And if you don't stop hoping for me to do better,

She's gonna make a ton of money at your expense guys.

Next time. But last time I already said next time. It's high time it was this time.

I need some day dream.

Jet lag

Because when I go to bed, my loved ones are getting out of it.

There is a lot of unpublished material on this blog. More than you would guess. Sometimes, I just drop a couple words before realizing it won't fit. Sometimes, I write a whole message and then just don't deem it "good" enough, I work primarily on instincts. Sometimes it comes from my mind alone, but mostly what you see on these HTML pieces of paper is from my guts. If, and when I stop feeling like it, I just stop and leave the draft of what might have been something liberating rot in the depths of my mind. And of this blog.
But today I don't feel like leaving things behind.

I was strolling here, when I came upon a draft which caught my attention. I wouldn't be able to say why. Out of curiosity I subsequently opened it.

Inside there was some kind of fantastic device I designed a year-something ago. A prototypical time machine.

Here was a message I left myself when things were bad. I read and felt like I was being lectured by someone else. Someone cocky to do so, since well, I think I know better than he did at the time; and one would be ill advised to say otherwise. Or would they? I laughed a couple times, felt angry and bitter. A lot. I felt sad to to read despair and self-destruction between the lines. I was glad to grasp some well hidden hope.
It was interesting, if not necessarily a wake-up call. I certainly did not have the impact I wished I would have; but it was still something.
And that's too bad that since this time machine is still prototypical,
It doesn't go both ways.

It made me think of how selfish I used to be. And how selfish I still am actually. It made me think of all the people who count, who shape up my life.

I arrived 3 weeks ago, and henceforth everything started to change; and there's no going back now.
And though I am seldom one to be happy about things in the long run, I have to say that for once
I think my choice is proving to be a fantastic one.

I'm growing up, I'm the witness of my own growth, and this time; it doesn't have to be through pain, harm and despair. I feel good where I am, and I feel better by the day.

I don't think of you much Emma. I don't know if it's because we eventually talked; but I can not think of you for a stretch of two to three days now. That's a quantum leap. And I feel like it's only going to get better than that.
I now know you may read that one day. And I don't want to take back anything. Because to me, at some point you were a bitch, because you were to blame too, though not for everything. And you played a big role in killing the child with whom you had fallen in love with in the first place.
But now that's not too bad.
So I will stop keeping tabs, because you're not an active part of my life anymore.

And this message is not for you either.

Because I am fed up of living on some sick theories steming from my brain according to which I should live by myself through some kind of environment built only for the pupose of loving you, getting over you, hating you, or whatever. My life's been much more than that.

And that one's to the people I love.

Because yeah I am 22, and I was prepared to live by myself. I cope well, I've got great roommates, Some of them I'm already friends with. But yeah at night, when I look from my 16th story window, I can see how wonderful the city is, with the CN Tower amid the buildings. I can grasp how fucking lucky I am.
This city has really been an antidote to my life, that's true.
But when I look through my window and start dreaming of grandeur, that's true
It feels a bit lonely.

I'm no Clark Kent.

And I miss you.

I miss my parents, but it's certainly worse the other way around.

I miss my grandparents, and I realize I don't go see them enough; now that I cannot.

I miss my sister, and wonder if she's making dinner for two sometimes.

I miss my brother, and I would like him to answer to my facebook texts. But he'll be 15 soon, and I remember what it's like to have his age. Or at least, this blog remembers.
Because we met when I was that age.

I miss Id and taking a nice walk with him after a drink and a couple cigarettes. When we were 15, I used to feel like we were invincible. I still do, when we're together.

I miss Rick, but I know he's not alone. And I can tell from the messages I get every other day that he misses me a lot too, and that he wishes I were here. Same here buddy.

I miss Thibaut, and it's on me that we haven't seen each other in a while. When I come back, I'll try my best not to let you down again. And even though I'm horrible with promises, I'm not feeling too bad about that one.

I miss Mike, and it's nuts to think he's the closest to me while he still is hundreds of miles away. You definitely have to visit me here at some point dude, I'm living the dream.

I miss Bigo, have been since he left us for god knows where. News are scarce, news are good. And I'm relieved to know that you are, good.

I miss Auré, I miss him being here and giving good advice and trying to show me the way, kind of like the big brother I will never have.

I miss Marie, I miss her kicking my ass when need be and actually saying so many things without opening her mouth.

I miss Ancelin, and all his trademark stupid remarks. And making fun of him. And I miss him being around because deep inside, I really love him and couldn't do without him.

I miss Eric, I miss him making me laugh, I miss him making me run; I miss him as the best storyteller in my world. And I especially miss him being drunk after half a beer.

I miss Laura, and her candor while still being a barbapapa.

I miss Jéjé, and it's been too long I've been missing him now. I miss our little talks more than everything in the world Jéjé. I hope you're well, please promise me that we'll joke around a couple of beers sometime.

I miss Sara, and I feel like it's been another life since I last saw her. She doesn't even know who Emma is. She may not even know I'm here, that's crazy.

I miss Thomas, and the way we used to be able to see each other so often back in the day. It makes it seem like it was 20 years ago. It was not, but still, far from the eyes but always close to the heart.

I miss Aldo, though I'm not sure it is completely legal to talk about him in the open like that. Most certainly not if at least 10% of the stories we made up are true.

I miss Nat, playing supersmash, playing in the snow, but especially looking up and gazing at the stars. I was missing you when we were 14. I was missing you when we were 18. I was missing you when I was 21. And I still miss you the same after all these years.

I miss you all, to be honest.

So here I am, and for the first time in my life; I know I've made the best choice. Hands down.
Still growing up far, far away from you doesn't mean you're far away from my heart.
And anyway, wherever I go in this giant frickin world.

You never really are.

Ongoing

Well I guess things are going smoothly.
I get along pretty well with my roommates, I'm still trying to figure out HOW the fu*k the system works here. I have yet to start doing my homework. I have yet to buy some veggies. I have yet to meet some people.
But overall, it's been pretty cool up to now.

Tonight there was this very cute girl, and I would have taken a shot, because yeah, you know what, you never know. But a friend of mine actually told that he liked her a lot. So I just stepped back, and I let him be the one with butterflies in his stomach. It was kinda fun being the one to watch from afar, for once. It was a bit bizarre, but I guess it was the good thing to do.

It was a good night, and I'm glad I chose a friend over a girl. I'm glad I'm finally starting to learn from my past mistakes.

It was a good night.
It was a good start.
And it's good to see that real change is ongoing;

At last.

The Niagara Blues

Once again, let's just start from the end.

I might have messed up once more.

Toronto is amazing. I am basically living a dream. I am like a child lost in a ToysRus and who can play with every single toy or game. I really feel like a child. In so many ways.

I guess I had it coming. I am going to a world class university now, so it means that basically all the people I meet are smarter than I am. I mean, WAY smarter than I am. And that my English sucks. Like, really sucks, even compared to other foreigners.

These are good things in fact, because when you're dead last, there is no falling behind. I can improve in so many areas. I am literally surrounded by greatness.

That's as scary as it is exciting.

My first week here has been nothing short of awesome. I mean it. I love the people, I love the place, I love the food, I love my neighbors, I love the school; I love that I can watch the NFL for free in a Korean restaurant ( yeah, what's that? ).

I also have a few moments when I feel a bit miserable not being able to speak a correct English, that I can't really take part into conversations because of my lack of culture, that languages is my major and I am way weaker at them than non-native speakers whose major are micro-biology, economics or linguistics. Well yeah, two sides of a Loonie ( which is how they call the 1 dollar coin here ).

And I'm shy. And it's hard to speak and improve when you don't go talk to people.

Today I went to the Niagara falls. It was extraordinary, really. I went with 45 people. I spent the day alone. All alone.
That's on me, for sure.
I knew that I was coming here as a bit of a fraud, someone who managed to sneak his way in with some luck and good timing.
I can see now that there is a long way to go.

But hey, I have 8 months to get there, and from a fraud to become legitimate.
Cause you have my word on that.
I will.

And today on the bus there was this Chinese girl who was the cutest in the world, and I didn't go talk to her, and I now have a huge crush on her and I can't seem to find her on fb so,
yeah,
just refer to the second line of the message.

Cashmere Cat

J'ai passé de bonnes vacances. Au final, je n'aurai pas pu voir la moitié des gens à qui je voulais dire au revoir; mais le séjour en Espagne était reposant, celui dans le Sud magique; et le weekend à Paris super.
Mais je viens de réaliser, en fait; dans un peu plus de 48 heures
Je m'en vais.

Entre les problèmes administratifs, les désillusions concernant les poursuites d'études, toutes les petites choses; je n'avais juste pas réalisé. Je ne me suis pas préparé.

Et là, je pars un an.

Damn.

Plein de choses ont changé en un an, je l'ai assez répété. Mais toutes ces transformations étaient personnelles, la vie elle, elle n'a pas été bouleversé. C'est son tour.

J'ai du mal à vraiment savoir quoi choisir entre la plus grande des excitations ou l'angoisse immense. Ça donne un mélange très particulier. En fait, je crois que je me sens un peu dépassé.

Ok, j'avoue
Putain de complètement dépassé.

C'est un choix que j'ai fait il y a longtemps, alors que je n'étais pas encore qui je suis aujourd'hui. Une décision qui m'a portée, jusqu'à aujourd'hui; pour laquelle j'ai passé les obstacles un à un.

Et c'est maintenant.

Je ne sais pas trop ce que je trouverai à l'autre bout du monde; mais ce que je sais c'est que cette fois,
C'était mon choix
Et c'est essentiel pour moi.

C'est mon aventure, à moi de la vivre seul; à moi de grandir de mon côté pour régler tout ce qui a besoin de l'être dans ma vie.

Retrouver l'amour du go
Choisir mon chemin
Oublier Emma.

C'était le but ultime quand j'ai choisi de partir, ça m'a donné la rage comme jamais; je me suis découvert une motivation insoupçonnée; et l'ironie c'est qu'au final

Je n'aurai même pas attendu de partir pour avancer maintenant que tu n'es plus là.

Je suis tout de même obligé d'avouer que je me sens mieux de pouvoir enfin m'éloigner; respirer sans m'inquiéter à chaque fois que je vais aller dans un lieu public, ne pas me figer d'angoisse quand j’aperçois une silhouette qui te ressemble. J'vais pouvoir bouger dans un monde où t'existes pas, du moins où tu ne rentreras pas.

Je vais certainement souffrir du manque. J'aurai surement des bas. Il faudra que je m'adapte.
Tant mieux.
C'est ma spécialité.

Non, je sais pas ce que je vais trouver; mais je suis heureux de pouvoir aller le chercher; et ce soir je suis perdu dans l'immensité de ce qui m'attend.

Because I fucking did it.

Open Letter

Dear Mr.Brain,

I have decided to write this letter after you once again made a blunder last night.
I think I have cut you way too much slack over the past few months, all because you've been pretty helpful at times. But let's face the truth now : You're mostly a jerk
So here are the facts : You once again deprived me of a good night's sleep because of an unpleasant dream.

It's been a year and half dude, I made choices; we both agreed we were over it; or at least on the right track. Do you ever think of poor Mr. Heart? It took him ages to be able to talk again, and you still can see the scars. Between you and me, I don't think he will ever completely recover. He's been a bit bitter since the accident.

But we managed to cope. So, why would you want to mess it all up? I have a tough time figuring it out.
In 10 days, I'll be several thousand miles away, and we will be able to live something else at last, far from these poisonous memories. So I request you to let it go now.

Please note that my tone is cordial, but it will be the last time. I am fed up with these night terrors that aren't nightmares; I am fed up living a dream that feels more real than reality itself. In fact, I just am fed up to wake up from these fucking dreams. You're the one in charge when it comes to senses, to the thinking process, to pain; to about everything here in fact. So man up once and for all. Nobody here needs her anymore; except for heart maybe. But here's to hoping he'll get over her eventually, thanks to our upcoming trip. I mean, we did it all for him, right? We worked our arses off you and I to get him that, because it's well deserved; so now stop taunting everyone purposelessly.

I know you're bored. We all are. But would you please wait another 10 days, and just shut the fuck up?

So that's about it pal, just wanted to give you a heads-up. I know it's your way to channel your own frustration. We're all sad. But unlike you, we try to deal with it without hurting the roommates.
You may be the most powerful up here, but I won't hesitate to shut you down if need be.
How? I don't know yet. But trust me, you don't want me to try.

So here you are mate, I hope I didn't upset you much with this letter. Please understand that it's for the better. Ah, and before I forget, Mr. Heart gives his love and tells you that you're a dick.

Cause yeah, Brain;
You are a dick.

Best regards,
Mr. Soul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmugSMBh_iI

Clog

Je passe mon temps à dormir, manger, jouer à Chrono Trigger et Earthbound. En somme, c'est la belle vie en ce moment.

Et je pars ce mois ci.

Lyon va me manquer.
L'année qui vient de se dérouler va me manquer.
J'ai vécu des trucs oufs cette année, plus que depuis un moment.
Ma grand-mère la dernière fois m'a demandé si j'avais eu du mal à quitter mon appartement. Et ça parait con, mais oui. Ma chambre va me manquer. J'y ai vécu tellement de trucs durant ces deux années. J'ai pas forcément plus de souvenirs que les années d'avant, c'est juste que j'ai plus de bons souvenirs.
Et j'ai un peu peur de partir commencer quelque chose ailleurs, à zéro, tout seul.
Mais c'était l'idée, hein? C'était l'idée de pouvoir m'isoler de cette vie que j'ai un temps cru sans espoir, épuisée de valeur. Je m'étais trompé, j'ai réussi à en trouver, j'ai réussi à en créer; encore plus que ce que j'aurais espéré. Et je vais mettre pause.

Je voulais partir pour recommencer à vivre, sans penser que je n'avais pas besoin de ça.
Je pars pour enrichir ce qui existe déjà. J'ai rétabli l'équilibre, j'ai réalisé l'essentiel; alors je m'en vais ajouter plus. J'ai un an pour accumuler les souvenirs, les expériences, les personnes, les rires, les différences; la vie. Sans jamais oublier d'où je viens. Parce que dans le fond d'où je viens, et avec qui j'en viens; c'est devenu qui je suis.

Il faut que je rejoue au go. Et ça ne va pas être facile, parce que ça fait longtemps que j'ai pas essayé. Ça me parait loin l'époque où ça constituait ma raison d'avancer, ça parait vieux. C'est pas si vieux. Je suis pas si vieux.

Dans tout ça, j'ai tout ce qu'il me faut, j'ai tout ce dont j'ai envie. Sauf peut-être la solution à la nécrose des sentiments.

J'ai passé le cap, je suis plus trop amoureux, grâce au matraquage constant et inconscient de ma conscience. Mais comment retrouver ce qu'il faut pour vivre quelque chose?
A deux.

J'ai plus l'impression d'être compatible. La vérité c'est que même quand j'ai tout ce qu'il faut sous les yeux pour tourner la page, je me saborde inexplicablement, sans trop avoir pourquoi. Jsais pas pourquoi, je comprends pas bien; mais c'est un fait, et j'en suis le témoin puissant qui, au final,
Ne fait rien.

Il est établi que j'ai une force d'auto-persuasion impressionnante; et si je tourne en rond, c'est pour beaucoup de ma faute. Mais j'ai toujours cette sensation au fond qu'un truc est brisé; qu'une chose se remonte pas. Et j'ai beau essayer, j'arrive pas à me souvenir de ce que c'est que d'avoir des sentiments. Même pas d'essayer.

J'ai l'impression que je trouverai pas tout seul. J'ai l'intuition que c'est pas à moi de retrouver ce qui était perdu, ce qui est con. Comment je pourrais demander à qui que ce soit de retrouver une chose dont je suis le seul à savoir où elle se trouve. Jsais juste plus démarrer mes sentiments. Et pourtant j'espère qu'une fille arrivera et balayera le passé, d'un coup ou petit à petit. Avant de repartir et de me laisser une fois de plus tout reconstruire.

Pourtant mon intuition, elle a jamais foiré.

C'est aussi ça le problème, je ne m'ouvrirai plus jamais totalement; car il faut que je garde les bases encrées fermement si jamais un autre ouragan arrivait par surprise. C'était le prix à payer sur le long terme pour guérir plus vite qu'autrement, et je suis content de l'avoir payé. Mais qui pourra faire sauter mes certitudes?

J'ai pas de réponses à mes questions.

Et dans 3 semaines je changerai de vie définitivement.
Et ça fait autant flipper que ça fait kiffer.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIbfdfBeVLY