Hide and seek

So I'm supposed to move my arse now.

There is a really cute girl in my class. But you know, not the I'm-gonna-look-at-some-pictures-of-hers on-Fb-with-my-friends-between-two-episodes-of-How-not-to-live-your-life cute - more the that-one-might-actually-be-worth-going-for-it cute type.
So, how I am supposed to talk to her? What am I supposed to say? I don't know.
I did not know.
And last week she was here alone, and soaked in cowardice as I usually am, I did not move.
But yesterday, I did not want to have any regret anymore.

I had been planning for a whole week, repeating what I was gonna do at least 150 times in my head.
It sounded great.
It always does.

I could not eat for the entire day. I had a 30 hour empty stomach, but meh, I can cope with that.
Then everything got out of control. Nothing happened as planned.
But that was planned, because if there is one sure thing that doesn't change; it's the fact that things won't ever go according to plan. It is the only constant.

But I was still confident.
I thought so.

She arrived, and everything collapsed at once. I was 15 again. 7 years vanishing in a split second. God it did not feel good.
And I made up my mind.
I'm not going. I'd rather be a coward my entire life.

Hell no, not again dude; get your shit together. Change for good.
Go for it god damn it.

The struggle went on for 20 minutes, and when I finally got back to my seat, I was not sure I would do anything.

And then she sat.

Just in front of me.

She was 30 centimeters away. There is no going back from there.
I just stood up and went for it.

What ensued is completely blurred in my memory. I stuttered, I panicked, I asked her out.

She cold-bloodedly said no.
And that was it.

Well, except for the fact that I still had 2 hours to go feeling ashamed and ridiculous with her just there to remind me that, well, things won't always be as I wish they would.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Looking at the bright side, it was a nice change of pace. I showed I had some balls, I finally managed to - somehow - psych myself up and try.

But I am not one to give a fuck about the bright side. Yeah, I tried, but it was to no avail; so what's the point? On the way back home I felt like it was a back-to-square-one-kind of thing. I thought there was no way on earth she could say yes. Well, that's what I was telling everyone all week long, but truth is; I really was waiting for a yes.
And I won't lie, it kinda hurt. It hurt to fail. God knows I don't deal very well with failure. Not that I don't adress it successfully, usually I do,
Just that it makes me feel like I'm still not strong enough to succeed.
And I hate the feeling.

It is the very first time in my life a girl is completely out of league. I realized that upon talking to her yesterday. "What the hell are you doing?  She is out of reach".
She was.

Usually I find a way to increase odds. Even when my chances are looking grim, there is some hope.
The 0.0001%.

When I looked in her eyes, for the first time in my life, I saw a 0.000%

And it was kind of fascinating/overwhelming/disappointing.
Disappointing is the best mood to describe it I guess, so let's go with that one.

Sure I am disappointed. I am facing a wall. Sorry, I faced a wall. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that this whole thing is over. But, on the other hand, what an incredible feeling to discover something that I can't even possibly achieve. Makes me wonder.

Can I beat the 0.000% ?

I have a feeling that in the future I will. When I get even stronger I will.
For now let's just swallow the pill and learn from it.
Because for every step back, it's another mile forward, right?

This time, I can say next time.



Too bad though, she really was the she-could-definitely-be-the-one-that-would-help-me-start-over cute type.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP077RitNAc

The picture in my wallet

Time flies. And it's been a long time now. I have kept most pictures on an SD card, hidden in the back of a drawer back home. A few of them were printed and stuck to my photo album.

And one last picture has always been there with me, without anyone really knowing. Hidden in my wallet, a single photograph; that was there to tie the last part of me that is still somehow struggling to make sense of it all since you've been gone. A single photograph on which you are not even smiling, you don't even look happy. But when I took it off the counter at your place without anyone noticing back then, you seemed pretty to me. And it has been with me since.

I would go on for weeks without thinking about that little photograph, until it would accidentally fall onto the ground or I would realize I was missing you some nights after getting drunk. It was there even when I hit the milestones of my recovery. It was there even when I wanted you not to exist anymore. It was there even when I realized I was finally over you.

And last night I took it into my hand, and wondered if I would have the courage to get rid of it, throw it away somewhere; just like I did with Marion's bell a few years ago.

Sure I still have Rex and pas, sure I still have all the presents you gave me; but these are mine, these are my property; it's part of me now. That picture never has been.

I could not talk myself into throwing it away yesterday. I tried to tear it up for a split second, before hastily putting it back where it belonged. I could not do it, I don't know why, I was not strong enough to surrender that last piece of love that was binding me to my old self, to you, to our story. And I told myself, that's fine; next time I will certainly be ready, I can still do it then.

How many times have I said that in my life? When I was in my teens, when I was a young adult, since I arrived here to start my new life? But what good would it do if I can't even make my mind and decide to change the very thing that is wrong with me? Why am I afraid of girls, of go, of English, of life? Why am I scared to take chances and actually try when it comes to the things I love?

I don't want this to be me anymore. There is no next time, never. There is only now, or wasted opportunities.

How long am I going to wait for things to miraculously happen to me without even moving an inch?

Not this time, not today.

So I took the photograph out of the wallet, and started tearing it up in the middle. It was hard. Literally. I didn't have enough strength in my arms to tear the photographic paper. So I started ripping the picture away with my teeth, until it finally tore. I looked one last time at these two pieces and what they meant to me.
And I realized that the answer was, not much anymore.
And I thew it away.

I won't let things go south because of my sitting still and just watching things go downhill because I am scared anymore. I am most certainly weak, imperfect and a bit of an outcast; but from now on;

I will fight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixfoo6AsH1c

Back and forth

Come to think of it, life can behave in an eerily funny manner. It never goes back, yet sometimes happens to recreate past situations, adapted to the environment and the new characters.

I didn't find it. I didn't find a cure for you. I spent forever trying to separate our past adventure from my life; to break that state in which they were so intertwined even after there was no story left to unfold. It was rotting and trying to drag the best part of me down.
It did not succeed.
I remember how life kept bullying me when you left me, and how every single day was a struggle. I remember that every evening, I would think I had just suffered one more loss at the hands of life. Pulling up a tie was the greatest of victories at the time.
It is not the case anymore.
I remember how much I was in love with you and thought no matter what, my memories of you would keep acting as a poison for the rest of my life.
I'm over you.

I am winning now. I kept searching for answers, without ever finding them. Meanwhile, my self took care or the rest and did a great job. And now I realize there was nothing to find; not a single thing whatsoever. I misunderstood the problem : I had to lose something. You know, as long as a fish is living in its fish tank, he can't possibly know what water is; only upon being taken out of it will he understand. I thought I had to leave and I was damn right. I needed to definitely lose you to live without the ghost of our past hunting me.

There is still a tiny little concern though : what am I supposed to make of this pile of crap that once was my heart? You can see blood pumping though ground meet, and it's taking care of business, I mean as far as keeping me alive in the literal sense of the term. It is not really able to do anything else though.

I mean, I still have feelings. At least, I still remember what they are and my brain processes them. But it does not come from my heart anymore. My brain recalls and does its best impersonation of a heart. My actual heart doesn't remember.
And I am sure it never will be able to, because he's been through one too many struggles. Emma was the last nail. And love is something my heart has forgotten how to create. There is no solution to this problem, I won't ever be able to restore what's long been lost.

I won't ever be able to remember how to love.
Fine then, I just have to do what one does when they forget.
I will just have to learn again.


She is cute, she doesn't know I exist, I don't know her name; so we had to come up with one. Does it ring a bell? It was a long time ago, yet it doesn't seem unfamiliar. Sure, I don't have butterflies in my stomach when I look at her, but I feel ridiculous when she's around, I'm struggling to know if I should go-or not. I am trying to find excuses to chicken out just to have life give me incredible opportunities. Sure today I am 22 and not 16 anymore. Sure I don't write poems anymore.

Sure I don't know how to love anymore.
But I am fucking learning to do so.

Suit

I don't know why.

I don't get why, how come I always chicken out? How come I am so soaked in cowardice?
Tonight I had my chances again, with several girls. My brain just did what it's used to doing : focusing on the one. That ruins everything for the other girls.
But that would not be a problem in itself if I actually had some balls to move my arse and go talk to her. I don't know, something inside doesn't allow me to man up.

She was there, she was alone; and I had been staring at her for hours. My legs were ready to move. My body was ready to act normally. My voice was ready to do its best. My heart was not even freaking out.
But my head decided otherwise.

"Nevermind"

No, I never mind. That's why I am alone. That's why I always end up making nothing out of something. I fail to grasp the moment; I fail to take chances. Because I am fucking afraid of what's going to happen;

Not if she says no.

But if she actually says yes.

I don't want anyone to see what's inside. I am scared, I am afraid to open myself again and have someone mess everything up once more.

But I can't live like that. Not forever. At some point, I will have to live.

Mom did not make the kindest bet of them all, but it was calculated and objectively the best.
And if you don't stop hoping for me to do better,

She's gonna make a ton of money at your expense guys.

Next time. But last time I already said next time. It's high time it was this time.

I need some day dream.

Jet lag

Because when I go to bed, my loved ones are getting out of it.

There is a lot of unpublished material on this blog. More than you would guess. Sometimes, I just drop a couple words before realizing it won't fit. Sometimes, I write a whole message and then just don't deem it "good" enough, I work primarily on instincts. Sometimes it comes from my mind alone, but mostly what you see on these HTML pieces of paper is from my guts. If, and when I stop feeling like it, I just stop and leave the draft of what might have been something liberating rot in the depths of my mind. And of this blog.
But today I don't feel like leaving things behind.

I was strolling here, when I came upon a draft which caught my attention. I wouldn't be able to say why. Out of curiosity I subsequently opened it.

Inside there was some kind of fantastic device I designed a year-something ago. A prototypical time machine.

Here was a message I left myself when things were bad. I read and felt like I was being lectured by someone else. Someone cocky to do so, since well, I think I know better than he did at the time; and one would be ill advised to say otherwise. Or would they? I laughed a couple times, felt angry and bitter. A lot. I felt sad to to read despair and self-destruction between the lines. I was glad to grasp some well hidden hope.
It was interesting, if not necessarily a wake-up call. I certainly did not have the impact I wished I would have; but it was still something.
And that's too bad that since this time machine is still prototypical,
It doesn't go both ways.

It made me think of how selfish I used to be. And how selfish I still am actually. It made me think of all the people who count, who shape up my life.

I arrived 3 weeks ago, and henceforth everything started to change; and there's no going back now.
And though I am seldom one to be happy about things in the long run, I have to say that for once
I think my choice is proving to be a fantastic one.

I'm growing up, I'm the witness of my own growth, and this time; it doesn't have to be through pain, harm and despair. I feel good where I am, and I feel better by the day.

I don't think of you much Emma. I don't know if it's because we eventually talked; but I can not think of you for a stretch of two to three days now. That's a quantum leap. And I feel like it's only going to get better than that.
I now know you may read that one day. And I don't want to take back anything. Because to me, at some point you were a bitch, because you were to blame too, though not for everything. And you played a big role in killing the child with whom you had fallen in love with in the first place.
But now that's not too bad.
So I will stop keeping tabs, because you're not an active part of my life anymore.

And this message is not for you either.

Because I am fed up of living on some sick theories steming from my brain according to which I should live by myself through some kind of environment built only for the pupose of loving you, getting over you, hating you, or whatever. My life's been much more than that.

And that one's to the people I love.

Because yeah I am 22, and I was prepared to live by myself. I cope well, I've got great roommates, Some of them I'm already friends with. But yeah at night, when I look from my 16th story window, I can see how wonderful the city is, with the CN Tower amid the buildings. I can grasp how fucking lucky I am.
This city has really been an antidote to my life, that's true.
But when I look through my window and start dreaming of grandeur, that's true
It feels a bit lonely.

I'm no Clark Kent.

And I miss you.

I miss my parents, but it's certainly worse the other way around.

I miss my grandparents, and I realize I don't go see them enough; now that I cannot.

I miss my sister, and wonder if she's making dinner for two sometimes.

I miss my brother, and I would like him to answer to my facebook texts. But he'll be 15 soon, and I remember what it's like to have his age. Or at least, this blog remembers.
Because we met when I was that age.

I miss Id and taking a nice walk with him after a drink and a couple cigarettes. When we were 15, I used to feel like we were invincible. I still do, when we're together.

I miss Rick, but I know he's not alone. And I can tell from the messages I get every other day that he misses me a lot too, and that he wishes I were here. Same here buddy.

I miss Thibaut, and it's on me that we haven't seen each other in a while. When I come back, I'll try my best not to let you down again. And even though I'm horrible with promises, I'm not feeling too bad about that one.

I miss Mike, and it's nuts to think he's the closest to me while he still is hundreds of miles away. You definitely have to visit me here at some point dude, I'm living the dream.

I miss Bigo, have been since he left us for god knows where. News are scarce, news are good. And I'm relieved to know that you are, good.

I miss Auré, I miss him being here and giving good advice and trying to show me the way, kind of like the big brother I will never have.

I miss Marie, I miss her kicking my ass when need be and actually saying so many things without opening her mouth.

I miss Ancelin, and all his trademark stupid remarks. And making fun of him. And I miss him being around because deep inside, I really love him and couldn't do without him.

I miss Eric, I miss him making me laugh, I miss him making me run; I miss him as the best storyteller in my world. And I especially miss him being drunk after half a beer.

I miss Laura, and her candor while still being a barbapapa.

I miss Jéjé, and it's been too long I've been missing him now. I miss our little talks more than everything in the world Jéjé. I hope you're well, please promise me that we'll joke around a couple of beers sometime.

I miss Sara, and I feel like it's been another life since I last saw her. She doesn't even know who Emma is. She may not even know I'm here, that's crazy.

I miss Thomas, and the way we used to be able to see each other so often back in the day. It makes it seem like it was 20 years ago. It was not, but still, far from the eyes but always close to the heart.

I miss Aldo, though I'm not sure it is completely legal to talk about him in the open like that. Most certainly not if at least 10% of the stories we made up are true.

I miss Nat, playing supersmash, playing in the snow, but especially looking up and gazing at the stars. I was missing you when we were 14. I was missing you when we were 18. I was missing you when I was 21. And I still miss you the same after all these years.

I miss you all, to be honest.

So here I am, and for the first time in my life; I know I've made the best choice. Hands down.
Still growing up far, far away from you doesn't mean you're far away from my heart.
And anyway, wherever I go in this giant frickin world.

You never really are.

Ongoing

Well I guess things are going smoothly.
I get along pretty well with my roommates, I'm still trying to figure out HOW the fu*k the system works here. I have yet to start doing my homework. I have yet to buy some veggies. I have yet to meet some people.
But overall, it's been pretty cool up to now.

Tonight there was this very cute girl, and I would have taken a shot, because yeah, you know what, you never know. But a friend of mine actually told that he liked her a lot. So I just stepped back, and I let him be the one with butterflies in his stomach. It was kinda fun being the one to watch from afar, for once. It was a bit bizarre, but I guess it was the good thing to do.

It was a good night, and I'm glad I chose a friend over a girl. I'm glad I'm finally starting to learn from my past mistakes.

It was a good night.
It was a good start.
And it's good to see that real change is ongoing;

At last.

The Niagara Blues

Once again, let's just start from the end.

I might have messed up once more.

Toronto is amazing. I am basically living a dream. I am like a child lost in a ToysRus and who can play with every single toy or game. I really feel like a child. In so many ways.

I guess I had it coming. I am going to a world class university now, so it means that basically all the people I meet are smarter than I am. I mean, WAY smarter than I am. And that my English sucks. Like, really sucks, even compared to other foreigners.

These are good things in fact, because when you're dead last, there is no falling behind. I can improve in so many areas. I am literally surrounded by greatness.

That's as scary as it is exciting.

My first week here has been nothing short of awesome. I mean it. I love the people, I love the place, I love the food, I love my neighbors, I love the school; I love that I can watch the NFL for free in a Korean restaurant ( yeah, what's that? ).

I also have a few moments when I feel a bit miserable not being able to speak a correct English, that I can't really take part into conversations because of my lack of culture, that languages is my major and I am way weaker at them than non-native speakers whose major are micro-biology, economics or linguistics. Well yeah, two sides of a Loonie ( which is how they call the 1 dollar coin here ).

And I'm shy. And it's hard to speak and improve when you don't go talk to people.

Today I went to the Niagara falls. It was extraordinary, really. I went with 45 people. I spent the day alone. All alone.
That's on me, for sure.
I knew that I was coming here as a bit of a fraud, someone who managed to sneak his way in with some luck and good timing.
I can see now that there is a long way to go.

But hey, I have 8 months to get there, and from a fraud to become legitimate.
Cause you have my word on that.
I will.

And today on the bus there was this Chinese girl who was the cutest in the world, and I didn't go talk to her, and I now have a huge crush on her and I can't seem to find her on fb so,
yeah,
just refer to the second line of the message.