Summary

I wish I had known things earlier
I wish I had found some strength inside a bit ahead of what was to be, wish I had been able to see a few months into the future and get a grasp of how I would eventually make it, sort of, ish.
I wish I wasn't that emotional, I wish I wasn't so flawed, I wish I had not been such a drag along the way.
I wish I had not been a misfit.
I wish I were not a misfit.

There are times, plenty of them; when I find myself facing micro-mental breakdowns; for it seems I'm not good at handling things very well.
No doubt I am not thankful enough, I am selfish, egoistical; obviously a lot too much.
For sure the excuses I have for that are mere excuses and can't really account for my faults.
I am not better than I was a while ago. I am certainly not to restore all of that.
I may be a productive writer-wanna-not-be, but I am most certainly not a good speaker.
There are times I would like to thank the people surrounding me and tell them they're part of what makes me; I wish they could feel I can help if needed. But words won't come.
Thus far I haven't been able to forgive myself for anything bad I may have done. Not even for anything good I might have done badly. I am a work in progress, but even though I try, hard; I still have a hard time accepting who I am. I'm used to being hard on myself. A lot. Way too much. I can't do any other way.
I may try to show what I want being seen; but deep inside I've always been a social outcast, trying to catch up with a world which is moving way to fast for me to understand, for me to find how to fit.
I don't know where I fit. But I know who I can fit with. Or rather, the people without whom I could never fit anywhere.
I have, and certainly more than the average person, down moments. I'm easily breakable, it's not hard to find the core and deprive it from what feeds it. But thus, I know how to stand back up. I have known the taste of failure way too many times, I feel like I am living with the taste of fear stuck on my body. I feel like I have conversed with the idea of death and what it is way too much for someone my age.
I can deal with it.
I know how bad it hurts to disappoint, to lose your dreams.
I now know what it means to lose a gamble in which you bet everything.
I was also offered a glance of what payback means.

I may not be great, nor even good. But I know how to cope with being down on the ground biting dust; because
It's what has always shaped me.

I wish that this cursed friday night, I had come from today. Just to look my old self in the eyes and leave. Just to let him know the many troubles he would come through were, eventually, to be overcome. That the amount of sadness and despair would not be that big of an ordeal; only if he could accept that it was but a loss.
Because I do remember, and that night; I didn't even wish I were dead
I felt like I already was.

I'm not 16 anymore, I'm almost 22; but even though I seemingly do much better, I still need a shoulder at times.
Maybe the difference is that the shoulder's mine; and what I really need is someone to cry on it.

I may be an individualist deep inside, a solitary being; but I do need people
For I don't manage to figure out an ultimate meaning out of it all if just for myself.

I am not done, not nearly; and the past year was an awful lot of hatred and pain whose remains are still with me in my everyday life. I adress it the best I can, and it's not that bad today, I have restored some stars in my life and a few of them are left in the sky for us to reach. And even though it rains today



I just want you to know that I'm okay.