Harry Potter

So here it is.
We are finally through.

After weeks, months, of your watching me drown, in an attempt to rescue us from an all too certain extinction, you cheated  and called it quits.
You could have done it differently. With respect. With pride. With compassion. Like a human being.
I deserved that much.

Words don't come easily now. I don't know what to take away from us. Is there anything good left to salvage? The ship's sunk already. I don't seem to find much amidst the debris.

Your verbal violence, your physical abuse, your cheating. You hurt so much you felt the need to reciprocate how life had fucked you up on me. I've always been there, I've always been understanding, loving, forgiving.
I feel like I lost.
It feels like a huge waste.
I feel like a huge waste.

All those years spent waiting for someone to trust, someone who could show me the way. You did not have to ruin me. Not that way.
And though I am used to being over-dramatic,
It does not bode well  when chairs are flying around.

Through thick and thin, and let's be honest for a second, mostly super thin, I've been here. Sure I've made mistakes. I've had mishaps.
But I never tortured you.

Now I'm left here, and I don't know what to make of it. Stokholm syndrome and hyper-dependance, as well as a bad case of hero complex thrust me into this mess. I'm all tangled up.
How am I to trust again?
Eventually I guess. But never entirely.

Ultimately, you crashed us on the ground and I did everything I could to prevent that. But it was not enough. It was never enough for you to be loved.
You are haunted, you are troubled, and I've only been a recipient of your anger and the darkest corners of your soul.
Utter selfishness, morbid lust, manipulation. I knew all that. All the way.
And yet I still thought I could change you.

It has been the reason of my demise.

It's been raining non-stop for a week.
Donald Trump is President of the United States.
The woman I love and gave everything for came for another man.

What a shitty week it's been.

And now what?
I have a flawless support system in place. I have been through a broken heart before, I know how hard it's gonna be, but I know I'll eventually learn to make do without it.
I am the victim, for real this time. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm pretty sure I'm going there without you now.

The love of one person is not enough to mend two broken souls.
And once again I'm biting the dust.

But I guess it'll be okay one day.
One day.

It will be okay.

Bye Manon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eMrTIW2LQk

Broken elevator

Just how come there is such a double standard?
How come you can screw up so badly, to a point where I feel like my life is threatened, and get away with it so easy?
And when it's my turn to screw up, for once, just getting upset about some misunderstanding, you don't believe in us anymore? I mean, I know I overreacted badly, taking my key and my shirt back and all, and I know I did not help my case by panicking afterwards and by blaming you when you needed comforting. I do know I fucked up, and I've been actively trying to make amends for days now. But it is one hell of an uphill climb.
The elevator of our relationship seems to be as functional as the one at my place. And I don't mind, I can walk up the stairs, as steep as they are. I don't care if I gotta do it thrice a day and end up exhausted at the end if that's all it takes.
My legs bulk up.
My character sharpens.
I don't even ask of you to meet me halfway, like you used to. I'm willing to go all the way.
But what's the point?
You don't believe much in us anymore.

You are a piece of work. You get worked up easily, like to hurt on purpose, think you deserve the best while reminding me I'm a piece of shit. You don't mind humiliating me when you see fit, in front of friends if need be. You altogether refuse to acknowledge that it takes two to tango, especially when the tango goes awry. Well actually if the tango is great you think that's thanks to you as well. Granted I can't dance, but I do my part in us. For real.
You are candid, and that's a quality. But it's not great for self-esteem to hear from the mouth of the girl you love that you are just"big scum" and she would be far better off without you.
I'm not asking you to conceal things, to hide the truth for me. I would just like you to understand that we both need to put a little effort into making the other feel valued, and not like a dog on a leash sometimes.

You are not perfect. But who cares? I never have. I love you the way you are.
And the one thing that made it work was that even despite all the low points
You genuinely loved me.

You used to say you wanted us to get married, you wanted us to have kids, you wanted to go abroad but only if I came with you. I was the man you wanted to spend your life with.

Now you don't want to marry me anymore. Let alone have kids. You're avoiding the going abroad question, putting it off, arguing it's too far off to know just yet. Hell, weren't the kids in that case?
And yesterday when I told you that you were my soulmate, you just laughed it off. In my face.
I didn't even ask you to respond, I didn't even demand a thank you.
I just thought it warranted an ounce of respect.

I've been pouring my heart out, and you have just been laughing or shrugging it off.

You used to tell me that you couldn't stop saying I love you and wouldn't, because it felt so good.
Now I need to fish for them. And it looks like my bait is a pretty lousy one.

But I don't mind. I don't mind my life being hell for a couple of weeks if it means we can mend fences. I don't care about falling down six flights of stairs and going back up if the door is to open atop. I love you, and I'm willing to self-destruct if that's what it takes.

But at some point, there'll be nothing left. Because as of now, I'm just a replacement. Standing here at your arm to fetch you stuff and look good in public, until the next one comes along and you can ditch me carelessly.
I won't be thrown away like that again. I am sorry sweetheart, it's not your fault, you have nothing to do with it, but I had a life before you too. I have real scars as well, as much as you like poking fun at them. I won't let you do away with me like that.

I'm far from perfect, but god knows I am 120% involved in the relationship when I'm in love. You are my princess and I'd bust my ass off to turn your life into a fairy tale.
But you know what, I am not a piece of shit.
I deserve happiness too.

And I want it with you, but if you refuse to forgive me the way I've forgiven you,
Then I don't want to stand still waiting for my demise.
I love you, and I deserve to be loved in return.
You used to do that so well. If you cannot anymore I have a right to know.

So we can both move on to better things.

Off the fence

There's something wrong.

Something is wrong because I am pretty damn sure it's not supposed to feel that way, right? Unless happiness is a big hot stew of sadness, weakness, worries and faltering.

It is not for lack of trying. I am in love. I guess. At least I think that's how it feels like, what it means, right?
Right?
But we're pieces of work. And it's hard to deal with my shit when I have to deal with yours simultaneously. I know I love seeing my life as a giant roller-coaster, figuratively. I did not expect it to be so heavy on goosebumps.
I'm about to throw up this relationship.

True, I am very demanding. It sure takes a toll, on both of us. But how about the why, eh? Why did it have to be this way?
You dragged me through the dirt for everyone to see, you gave me the cold shoulder one too many times when I tried to get back on my feet. You never squandered an opportunity to show me how less of a man I was than the others.
And if it were just that, but let's be honest for a second
My feelings are not the only things you're hurting.

Yet I love you. Because you are flawed, and I seem to be inexplicably attracted to your flaws. Degausser, anyone? Birds of a feather, or so I've heard.
But if I've been good enough to play pretend and make believe for you, I for one can see how big a farce it is. We're going nowhere fast honey. And with no support I don't really know how I'm going to turn the tables. Especially if you're turning a blind eye on me.

I don't feel too good. I am not as happy as I want you to believe I am. It may just be that I need more time, but I've been thinking that for months now and I'm starting to lose hope.
The most difficult may be that in your eyes, we work fine. We're living on different planes, and truth be told, I am jealous of yours.

I would love to love you without all the loathing. I am well aware I am a handful. And I think I believe you when you say you love me.
I think so.
That does not sound right. I should know that, it should be a commandment forged into my soul. Yet it's just an elusive butterfly, unwilling to dwell on my heart for too long.

I'm tired. In a matter of days I've gone from certain I wanted us to work to definitive about splitting up at least a dozen times. It's not that I don't know what I want.
I just don't understand us.

Your love at times feels so real, and then comes the moment you crush everything, regardless of anything. And I'm left here bleeding.
But you don't care much.

I'm supposed to come back in two days. I should be home in 48 hours, almost to the minute. Yet I cannot even feel sure you're gonna be there. I cannot talk myself into believing you won't have called it quits by then, or slept in anyone else's bed. It is not even that I don't trust you.
I just don't trust that we are on the same page.

You caught me in your web. I wanted us to see where things'd go. But you started giving me hope, glimpses of a future, of a together. Of a life.
Now you're not giving shit and I don't know on which leg to stand. It's getting out of hand on my side, while things look still on yours.
How come we are not going through the same story?

Maybe in two days this will be a distant memory. For a week. Because it starts again.
I'm going in circles.

I don't feel too good. And I withstand it out of real love. Or at least what I think is real love.
I'm not even sure I know what I am talking about.

I ventured into the unknown, and unbeknownst to me I was not to wander alone. But I knew before even going over the fence that it would not end well. You as well, since the first thing you told me was that you were sorry about how much you were gonna hurt me.
And that's fine, I expected to hurt in the end anyways.
Not so much so before.

I would like to hide behind rational nonsense, that we are not a fit, that you are no right for me. Who is right for anyone anyway? Human beings, we're screwups; we won't ever fit. Square pegs in round holes.
We just try as hard as we can.
I try to try,

I've been outside my comfort zone for a little too long, my feelings tank is almost empty. There's no way out. If I don't find a way to replenish them, what will become of me? A stray astronaut, floating around in outer space without a way to come down home. You're the last one. I've had enough, I won't have enough courage and determination for one more try. I'm out of coins. Now it's up to you to see how many continues there are in store.

For all I know we might already be done for. For like, an hour and half. For all I know, tomorrow it may just be a bad dream and we'll still be going strong.
For all I know, I don't know shit.

I know that I think I love you. I know that I love you in fact, I just think I know what love means.
But I do love you, and it's hard when you don't even know if it's too early or too late for that.



There has been but one staple however. Whenever I feel like I'm digging our grave, you pull me back up with some awesome text, or a lovely call.

Anytime now.
Anytime.
Just a few more seconds...

...

Oh well.

Erutuf

I am looping.

I am displaying the same old little quirks. Jealousy, extra sensitivity and aggressiveness. They do not blend all that well. And you're the one suffering from my tantrums.

History is repeating itself before my very eyes, and I am clueless as to how to change its course. I have not learned shit, have I? I do not know the way to right the ship and change. My emotions get the best of me.

Every once in a while, I manage to put things into perspective, take some distance, from you, from an us I don't seem to be acquainted to yet. Is it normal by the way? Is it just me screwing up, or is it a natural process?
Anyways any time I can get a grasp of objectivity, you come at me feelings first and I fall back in. It is the grotesque oxymoron that defines our relationship on my side: the more you love me, the more likely I am to mess it all up.

But now for the first time you are disappointed. I unveiled that I am no different than anybody else. You realized that I am, in fact, nothing special. I guess it puts a pin in our plans now eh? If not a nail in their coffin.

I wanna try. I really do. But I need a magic formula to shake off three years of living inside my head;
And three other years I wish I had.
I am damaged good relationship-wise; and your perfection does not match my faults. We cannot go on like that, regardless of what you keep saying. Because I'm gonna burn myself up slowly, and burn you down in the process. There is going to be nothing but pain and regrets if I can't figure out how to overcome my fears.

I have always known, since the very beginning, that we had a clock and that it was ticking. For quite some tie I thought it was the clock of us, and I was fine-ish with that; but what if it is not? What if it is my clock? What if, by any chance, it is a countdown to you not being able to stand my bullshit anymore?

The last one held on for a decent amount of time before she called it quits. I don't really want to take chances with you.

But once again, I screw up, think it's too late to fix things, come back - and repeat. So how do I break the cycle?
I have gone a little bit too far this time - once again.

I'm tired of being me, because me does not fit in this two-people environment.

I am afraid we'll run our course way before the future we designed materializes. And that's gonna be on me. I am sick of spending a couple of days a week snuggling my blanket and staying in bed all day long because I suck.



Please someone give me a map of how to be a good boyfriend.
And then teach me how to read a map

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHCob76kigA

Wok

I always thought I was flawed. But I've come to realize it's not entirely accurate. I am raw.

I have lived a lot more than I should have in my head, but I have little to no understanding of the world. I've always painted an ominous mental picture to my head to compel myself not to step outside. I've shaped a safe bubble in which everyone lives peacefully and the only real problems are whether I have enough money to eat one more kebab this week.

But I made a deal that would see me go outside if it meant I could love and be loved in return. Just one more time. Both parties have held up their part of the bargain. But as for me, it has not been as easy a ride as I had envisioned.

I need to learn ways to think, to behave, that I never before had to know. I am supposed to put things into perspective much faster than I was used to. I have to compromise when my life had been a straight road of unyielding decisions and principles.

I was not made for two. At least not by myself. I am just now being taught how things work around here in the open. I am not fast enough, not careful enough, not smart enough to take it all in and make the most of it.

So my mistakes stack up, and at the end of the day, they're just a big, fat pile of crap I regret even bringing up in the first place.

It won't happen in a day, because if there is one thing I know it is that this is a process. It won't happen tomorrow, it won't happen next week; but eventually, when I've fucked up one too many times and the point of no return is reached, I'll hate myself  for losing you like that. And rightfully so.

That being said, I am exposing myself here. I have become an obvious target. Mere flesh is covering my body now that I've taken off my heavy armor, and you can stab me at will - I won't even wince.

But if deep down I come in peace, I am not going to stand still while I feel like I am being trampled on. That much will not fly.

And at some point, when there's not much straw left on the camel's back,

We will have a problem.

A real one this time.

________________________________________________________________________________

I hold up a peace sign, but I carry a gun.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTpmJFqs3aE

Strike 2

That's insane. It is totally insane.
It's like I had forgotten about the exhausting, excruciating waiting. Minutes feel like hours. Seconds feel like days. I'm powerless, I'm unable to do anything productive. I'm unable to eat.
I'm just waiting here for my name to be called and the death sentence to be dropped upon me.
I'm about to get dumped, right?
It's too bad, I really caught feelings this time. I know man, I know you warned me, but I could not help it. It seemed so great, it felt so natural, it was so amazing. But I had it coming, and as I cleverly pointed out a few weeks ago myself
The higher you reach, the faster and more painful the fall. And boy, is it fast.
And fucking painful.
In a matter of 48 hours, everything went from blissful to completely wrong. I'm disappointing.

I was mistaken. It's not going to hurt less because it was just a stint. It certainly won't hurt as long, but it's not any easier. I thought that I would have learned by now, that the strength to stand strong would be carved in my being. What a fool I've been. It is destroying me, it is ripping my insides apart.
And it's too little too late now.

I am here waiting, a couple more hours, until the giant boulder comes crushing down on me. But my hands and feet are tied, so all I can do is either close my eyes and fancy everything is going to be okay, or look up and anticipate my demise. Neither is appealing. Neither works.

I don't wanna lose her.
At first I thought I did not want to lose it. But I don't want to lose her. I really don't want to.
Damn,

Damn.

I'm clueless. There's supposed to be a way. I can't find it. I am waiting for a miracle when I know they don't exist. I am hoping for a sudden change of heart when you've made up your mind.

I am sad and disgusted in myself. My brain, heart and guts all want to throw up at once, like a dirty symphony of doom.

Shit, I really am in love.
And I really fucked it up.




There won't be a strike three.
I am all but done now.
I am done.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eMrTIW2LQk

Boy seeking Girl

I am sitting here on my bed as the clock runs wild, devouring some precious and essential time I'm numbly watching vanish before my eyes. I have a serious hangover.
I am puzzled.
I mean it, I am puzzled. The picture is complete, the billion piece puzzle has been completed, and yet something seems off.
Life has been going against its usual current, and I'm bewildered to see it self-destruct. It is making a meal out of itself and the more it feeds the hungrier it grows - or shrinks.

I don't get it. I don't know how to deal with that kind of things anymore. I'm a mess, I've lost all control. Mutiny. I've lost my grip willingly, true, but I don't know how to reestablish myself as the ruler here, how to restore the order.
I had forgotten how messy it was out there in the wilderness. Was I really able to navigate this life before? How the hell could I pull it off all these years? How do I not make the same mistakes over and over again when I feel exactly the same way.
It's a cold stew of my biggest failures all aggregated together into one big bowl of mayhem. I don't recall winning any of these battles. How am I to win against a Megazord of them?
It makes no sense whatsoever. I'm trying to figure out a way, I'm attempting to find the weak spot.
Life is folding and I'm left alone to try and fix it.
It was so much easier when it was playing against me. At least I did not have to take care of that shit, to keep it in check.
It was its job.
Time does not fly by me anymore. It thunders by. I am no Superman, I could not possibly halt its course. I need time to think, time that is thunderstorming away from me.
At least I won't be struck by lightning.
At least I was not subject to the coup de foudre.

I'm not like Josh, I'm not getting better at this.
But I'll try, I'll put in the hours, I'll figure out a way.
After all, she might be worth it, for she took my hand like in my wildest dreams
And has yet to let got of it.

If I throw caution to the wind, is it gonna get smashed to pieces by the storm?
Because I'd like to make sure I'm not fighting for nothing
Make sure I'm not squandering my time to no avail
Make sure I have a shot at this thing

So that I can try to catch up with happiness.

_____________________________________________________

I was way drunker than I wish I had been when first saying I love you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNO-_xIX1AU