EGIC

There will be times the ride won't go as well as I wanted to, there is no changing that.
I hit a speed bump and was not given much time to get back on my feet. I was hit hard before I could fully come to my senses. And here I am, moving forward like a zombie, hurt, but these wounds wouldn't kill me. They are not nearly strong enough to compel me to reboot, hence I am but locked inside this uncomfortable state in which I go forward because I don't really know any other way but, truth be told, I suffered a couple of blows which slashed through and opened deep, profound cuts. They're not bleeding though. They won't rid of the poison, they remain infected. I don't feel good. I don't feel right.
I hate to disappoint myself.
I am needfully questioning, reconsidering, reassessing my calling, whether I fit. Whether I deserve to be where I am in the first place.
I had it coming I guess. I got a tad too sluggish in my house of cards, idling, looking down on whoever by fear of falling back down, heckling who I wanted not to be again. My pain had to be enough to sustain that authority. But I got thrown away from the throne. My paper crown isn't worth what I thought it was.
I'm not gonna say it's for the better. It's not.
But now that I'm back down where I started, it feels like all of it was for nothing. All of it has been for nothing. I am a fallen whatever, and it does not matter if it's climbing up there or going through the crowd,
I'm not going anywhere I feel like I belong.
I am not getting over it yet.
So I get work done to work myself down, I use the blades that attempted to lacerate my mind to cut the dangling limbs, knowing the whole thing is already contaminated. I've lived with venom running through my veins before. I can most definitely do it again. So I chop off what I feel failed, to take my mind off the fact that my mind is constantly self-inflicting contempt, undercutting what had préviously been established as viable parts of me. The view is blocked on some paths I was eager to follow. I am waiting for the blades to show me which way to clear out next, which ways to weed out.
I hold the belief that I will fall back and promptly be back on my feet. I will fall back on my feet. Unfortunately, I cannot get too acquainted with resignation and surrender. I will painstakingly look for the harbinger that would usher me onto my new road.
But for now, all I see are bad omens, unresolvable conundrums and unheralded catastrophes. This is how my mind shields itself, hoping for the worst. It is not very effective. It gets lonely in there, conviction-wise. Yet I keep trying, because it is what I have always done in my oxy-moronic existence; struggling to make something out of something I am not made for. I am attracted to what I hate, I secretely long for what I was denied. I am never on the same page with life. I never agree with what is supposed to have been decided from the get-go.
This is the burden of being hopelessly hopeful.

I am not really fine these days. I am just trying to find my way awkwardly through the life I chose against its will and that seems to remind me of it once in a while. The only thing that will show which one of us was right all along will be at the picket line. I am possibly headed towards a huge manhole for all I know, but maybe I'll get a shot at proving there is something good in that. Maybe there is something genuinely good. Maybe there is.

Let's slap the momentum across the face for a bit to see what happens.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Christmas is upon us, and yet when I look outside,

I see no snow.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHhkd2B87Q8&list=PLalVktpBrfW2UvvpALP7yhw0YH2n-JSRw

Citron pressé

What's up, buddy? I heard you were feeling down of late.
All your friends left for life, and you chose to stay here.
But by yourself.
And now you're questioning whether you were right or wrong.
Come on now, get your shit together. You know you did things right. You always do in the end.

You can't keep a good man down.
Life can't keep you down.

I mean, you know life has not always flown our way. Well actually, it'd be more accurate to say that it has quite a handful of times, but we failed to grab what it jettisoned on the trail. That's never been a big deal. At least that was not back then. You just get up, shrug it off and forget about it.

This is the warrior I know.

I guess it piled up, eh? It leaves dust on your shoulders each and every time. And now it's a bit too much for you do the heavy lifting. I get that.
But that's not you bro.

You are not the kind of person to give up. Sure, it's challenging to see people leave, one after the other. You wish you were as well, departing for somewhere on the path of destination life. And truth be told, it would be hypocritical of me to say I've been there. I'm always the one to go first, just so I can avoid being the one left behind.
I left you.
I don't regret it.
But I still feel guilty about it.

And I can get a grip of what you feel. Remorse or  regret. Yet you had something, someone to stay for. You can't rewind.

Dude you're 23. And I know it's easy for me to say, because while not really having been places, I've had the chance to stop a couple of times along the ride. But you are. And life is waiting for you.
It really is.

You feel alone and I'm sorry about that. I am sorry because I have not been there for you. But I've been here for you.
I'm always in far away places, but I don't forget. You gave me 2 of my best years, almost all by yourself. You were not the most present when I collapsed, but you certainly were paramount in my recovery. You were my crutch, and so much more. And when I finally was healthy enough, I flew away. But you, my man, are a central piece in my life. You're family. You're a brother of mine.
I wouldn't be who I am today, and I would never have been able to achieve it all without you by my side. You've been my staple. And that's etched in my soul for lives.
And I can't stand knowing you're in a bad place.
I just wanna kick your ass the way you'd kick mine.

I'm thankful to you for countless things. We built memories together. Together. And you made me stronger, so much more than I could have become without you.
And I know, it's not a husk. I know beneath the surface you are feisty for existence; otherwise you wouldn't get hurt; not this way.
You're certainly more relentless than I could be in my worst days.

So fight back, mind-wrestle the shit out of this son of a bitch of a life. Cuz you definitely have a shot.
And you're not alone in this.
She loves you, and that is the only victory that conveys any meaning when weighing success against failure.

You did make the right choice.




Nobody's home, and that's gotta be a heartsore, but don't let the sinking feeling fill in; because before you'll know it;

I'll get there.

Does it bode well?

What the fuck just happened?

Wait, just, pause. Calm down. Let things sink in. Settle down. Yeah, that's better.
Nope, it definitely is not.

I've come to grips with my having a problem. One I need to solve. I mean, I used to be able to hide behind false excuses, pretending I was just a hapless dude, loitering around and always being struck with bad luck. It would work fine. But it's become increasingly difficult of late, as a couple of things started to change. For starters, the opportunities have multiplied. Like, for real. Also, shit's gotten real. It's become downright impossible to ignore the fact that I am the one squandering my love interests . Things are headed towards a binary state, and I am the sole decider of the yes or no. There is no hint of subtlety under which I can take shelter. In my castle of glass, I no longer am the frail king. I am the unmasked jester.
No more capable of concealing the utmost deception - and let's be honest here, I was the most amenable target the whole time - I admitted to others that I, indeed, have been avoiding the problem for too long. The harshest was to admit it to myself.
But what then? I mean, all's good and well but I've long known the inconvenient repercussions of a wicked and damaged mind. I am self-loathing, my ego is in tatters day in and day out. To be fair, both these drawbacks have been, in numerous instances, real pull-ups; unexpectedly fueling a new sense of purpose. But now that my purpose is of age, it is time for you to go; for it is becoming difficult to fathom any kind of viable future with you by the side of the one that would be by my side.
But I digress.
What does it stem from? Come on, it's pretty obvious isn't it?
You know it's with her.

Two years, seven months. That's the time we lasted. That's also the time I've been lasting without we. I had to make good by the milestone. Maybe was it time to conquer the answers I've always been longing for. I should be strong enough by now.

I think I am.
And so I went.

And before I knew it, I was seeing you.
Shit, what did I just do? Is it for real? Why has nothing changed? Am I dreaming? No. Am I freaking out? No. Chillax. Take a deep breath. No, don't take it. Ah, whatever, just go with the flow.

I decided to sail against the stream, because it's high time I started taking chances when it matters most.
So I did.

We said "weird" 6 times. You twice as much as I did. Irrelevant little tidbit. But it was, weird. Especially for my brain. The part of it that never had been able to let you go, to let go of your image; my lost brain as I will call it; was relieved. I felt it. Weird, eh? Feeling your brain. What was disturbing though was the uncanny familiarity of the whole scene. You haven't changed much. You sound the same. The exact same for fuck's sake, like, the most logical thing was perhaps the most shocking one. You look the same, and that's pretty unsettling. The setup was the same, the background identical.
Hence the unpredictable reaction of my lost brain. It snapped. Something flipped.
Back to normal.
Wait, what?
This ain't normal, this is bullshit. But there I was seeing you, and somewhere shallow up, I was like "Yeah, so what? We always see each other at night." I was thrust back a plethora of moments ago, and my lost brain engulfed the stretch of time that had built me in your absence. I would have been ill-advised to give in, that's a given. But it is hard fighting such happiness.
In front of my eyes, somewhere in my head - and, very certainly, in my heart -, you were just here, and it was perfectly ok. Like I had just woken up from an extended sleep and I was recovering my kindred soul.
Come again?
Come on man, it's not how things are. Because she's moved on, and so has she. Get a grip.

And so we started.

After the initial awkwardness, it was nice. It was good. I did not feel resentment. I still had to fight the lost brain to prevent it from swallowing me and burying me into the hole I escaped a few years ago. I managed.

Am I currently managing?
I don't know.

I know I gambled. But I was dealt plenty of good cards, and wasted them over nothing, blaming the stigma. Now I was left with a small pair and the flop was not great, but it was either that or folding.
I said let's go all in.

I' now waiting for the fourth card to be revealed.

Anyways, let's not fool ourselves. This move was not reckless.
When you have nothing, you can't really lose much.

I can't go into specifics yet. I have yet to muster the courage to realize what happened and cope with the oh so unpleasant consequences of my actions. But if I played my hand right -and I can only hope I did- it might assuage the demon inside and help me tame the motherfucker once and for all.

And from there, I can maybe go somewhere.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dude, what an outlandish encounter. I kid you not, I was on the brink of having a me attack.
I appreciate your wanting to get my house in order. You wanna get out of the doghouse, I get it. I respect that. But for REAL? I don't really know what you thought about trying to get her into my house, but oh boy, if this wasn't bold I don't know what is. Whatever man, your little bro was wise enough to keep her on the threshold. I can't even imagine how much damage she would have been able to cause inside. Like, come on, I've barely finished redecorating the place.
Anyways, I can see you're out of the angry teenager phase, and that's good. But that doesn't mean you can use my spare key yet. Thank god for your brother, if he weren't watching you we would be in SUCH a pickle currently. So yeah, get your shit together man.

Cause I'm not ready to move out just yet.

From celibacy with love;
Heart.

Eagles of Death Metal

On l'empêchera jamais de tourner,
faut juste se résigner à bouger avec.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE

Wednesday night

Well it's pretty much the same as 2 weeks ago. But it's pretty dope, and I don't think I would give that up for anything else. Life's been good to me for almost too long.

Carpool

Qui aurait cru que 5 ans, ça voulait rien dire?
Je veux dire, c'est une mesure temporelle, c'est assez relatif comme idée. Même si c'est quand même assez objectif. Et pourtant, quand vous êtes arrivés, j'ai juste eu l'impression de me réveiller d'une trop longue nuit, d'un rêve un peu trop réel. Tout était différent, et pourtant c'était pareil.

Les choses changent, elles évoluent, elles affectent l'environnement et la météo.
Nous on s'adapte pour s'en sortir au mieux dans le nouvel écosystème. C'est instinctif.

Et pourtant dans le fond, on change pas vraiment, si?

Parce que quand on s'est fait un câlin, j'ai pas été replongé en arrière, j'ai pas été nostalgique, j'ai pas senti de coupure psychologique. Vous étiez juste là, comme quand Mike était venu me voir. Vous êtes là.

Et je crois que dans le fond de mon cerveau, c'est la "normalité". Quelque part là-dedans, votre absence a été ressentie comme une anomalie, répertoriée comme une erreur qui, si elle n'était pas fatale, se devait d'être effaçée à un moment. Et quand elle a disparu, ces 5 années ne se sont pas envolées avec, mais elles sont passées au second plan. Comme si elles avaient été effecués en voulant absolument cacher un problème essentiel.

J'ai vécu depuis, j'ai grandi, j'ai eu mal; mais ça n'avait pas beaucoup d'importance. C'était moi, c'était vous.

C'était nous.

Et nous était une grosse partie de moi qui me manquait.

Quand Id est arrivé et que je vous ai vu tous les trois là, j'ai réalisé quelque chose. C'est qu'une grande partie du malaise inexplicable de ses dernières années, du problème impossible, de ce qui m'empêchait de me sentir complètement épanoui; c'était pas le manque auquel je pensais. J'ai juste pas cherché au bon endroit, j'ai pas creusé là où il fallait. C'est pour ça que je trouvais rien, et que je continuais obstinément sans plus trop de conviction.

J'ai juste été con.

Quand vous étiez là à rire devant moi, quelque chose de bizarre s'est produit. J'ai retrouvé une clef que j'avais perdue il y a trop longtemps. Bien sur, il manquait Bigo; bien sur sans lui ça ne pouvait pas être complet, mais même. J'ai senti mon coeur reprendre des couleurs. J'ai senti la vie comprendre la route. J'ai senti mon sourire s'étendre un peu plus.

Et j'en avais plus trop rien à faire du monde cette nuit là pour être honnête, j'ai laissé mon existence exister.

Et je l'ai regardée avancer toute seule sans avoir à la pousser pour la première fois depuis longtemps.

J'ai finallement réussi à retrouver le bon chemin. Pourquoi je m'en étais éloigné à la base, déjà?

Je sais plus.

J'ai oublié.

On s'en fout maintenant.

On a pu parler, on a pu rire, on a pu juste être ensemble, sans même aller chercher plus loin.

Et le lendemain, à un moment dans la voiture, j'ai oublié que j'étais là avec vous. Et quand j'ai rouvert les yeux et que j'ai regardé autour de moi, je jure que la seule chose que je me suis dite,

C'est que ce voyage était le meilleur de ma vie.

Et j'ai plus envie de continuer ce voyage sans vous.

Je suis plus fort avec vous. 

Je suis juste plus heureux avec vous.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Hey guys can you smell that?

Cuz to me, it really smells like the good ol' days

Fall

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXbtic7aY0A

Hoarse

And it feels like your stomach is folding on itself, struggling and trying to hold onto something, as if it were drowning - even though there is not a single place to drown into. Butterflies don't fly, but they sure as hell make noise, they sure as fuck disturb the local environment. It doesn't hurt, it's more like if bittersweet were an ache.  I am ailing, but I somehow enjoy it. I mean, I'm too old to keep my hopes high, but too young to give up on that kind of moments. It slaps the guts across the face, it pisses the brain in one too many ways; but most importantly, it stirs up the heart's interest. Bored and blue, like a little kid playing with the same old rusty toys in the corner of the room, it compels him to look up. It triggers curiosity at the very least, and though it is common knowledge that it won't last, it's a nice reminder that hope is not dead weight.
These moments don't last, but they provide the key to the whole thing. For a little while, it feels like the last piece I've been longing for might exist; since every once in a long while, I come across a temporary replacement that fits. The shape is peculiar, yet the puzzle seems to become solvable. Now I just lack the right colors and patterns.
They just help me reach completeness for a few minutes, when I am fully aware of the objective ludicrousness embedded in such instants.

Hadn't always thought I could stoop so high.

I'm itching at the normality of the high life, or the uniqueness of a normal life. Either way, this is enough to explain why I relapse every so often, because injecting this little something just helps me hear colors I thought extinct, see sounds I assumed had disappeared, live outside of my box for a moment suspended in time and space when, where, my soul can borderline-overdose.

It never lasts too long, for reality calls back with a kick in the balls more often than not, but that's the price to pay I guess. You win some, you lose some.
Well,
You win none, you lose a lot.

_________________________________________________________________________________

"Cupid, my dear friend,
Long time no see pal, how u been doing as of late? Nvm, let's cut to the chase, I don't really like small talk.
We haven't seen each other in a while and all, but I am ready to forgive and forget past mistakes from both sides. Water under the bridge dude. Talking about water, what about we just get a drink of something else and talk business sometime? That'd be dope-ish.
I heard you came by yesterday but I wasn't here. Feel free to try again tmrw or next week though, I should be back. I'll open the door, but whatever shit you need to do after that is up to you.
C u soon I hope, you filthy bastard.
Best whatever.

-Heart

P.S.: If you see Brain on the way, tell him he's gotta stop trying to break in. This asshole's broken far too many windows; and I have bigger fish to fry than dealing with his kleptomania. Also, I'm broke, so It'd be nice of him to replace 'em himself. It'd be much appreciated.

_________________________________________________________________________________

17-0 at halftime despite the awful pick, not bad eh?

Throwing motion

The overall euphoria did not last long.
Let me reformulate that.
The overall euphoria did not last long.
Ah, what the hell.

It was second and inches, I was but sure to make the first down. Yet here I was, fourth and 9, and all but forced to punt the ball away.
How frustrating.
Great team effort though.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I am not even sad, or bitter. I'm surprisingly alright. Maybe even better.
I mean, I was disappointed for a moment, but when all is said and done, it allows me to focus on real things.
In the end, induced thought-euthanasia is not that bad an idea.
Let it become another cold case, stored on the shelf between the infamous sentimental suicides and the failed attempts to rekindle things that never were. At least this one is empty enough.

I am just back to the all-too-familiar square one. How come I don't get to earn the 20,000 USD whenever it happens? I would be filthy wealthy by now.

_____________________________________________________________________________


I think that deep inside, I wish I had gotten the first down. But after that, you have to travel another 10 yards, and it's getting harder as the defense is getting more packed and more alert. Mistakes are way more fatal. Defenses are tougher to read when you enter the red zone.
I got benched after the first drive, so I won't blunder the game away. No mishap, no fumble, no bad-decision making. No brutal interception.
I had an okay run, one good play, a questionable scramble, and a dropped pass.
Nobody can really blame me for 3 plays. And with so little playing time, my QB rating can't look too bad.
After all, I've come to grips with the coach's decision.
I'm a backup for life.
In this franchise anyway.

But gosh it has to feel good scoring a touchdown. I've long forgotten what celebrating in the end zone feels like but I think that, secretly,
I'd like to score at least one more time in my life.

So let's cheer to this guys
Until next game.


I tested my arm earlier tonight.
My throwing motion is intact. I am faster than ever it seems.
Well, talk about a bad omen...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-szw05TwQk

30 days without an accident

It's a nice feeling to be able to work on things I like.
I don't need to be pushed anymore.
I mean, it's hard and all, certainly way harder than what I had ever have to deal with before. But I genuinely enjoy it.
I've found my calling, one might say.
Well, at least for now.
There's actually not that much to say regarding the end of my first week. Except for the fact that the lecture halls are filthy as hell and look like improvised shelters for drug addicts and other hobos. I get that's part of our reputation in the eye of most, but it certainly does not help combat the cliché...
Neither does the mostly empty weekly schedule.
I think I can work around not having to spend my life in school though. It should not be that hard.
It's also pretty interesting to be surrounded by people who are good at what they do. I mean, no offense, especially since the people I spent my best moments with a couple of years ago clearly were at times struggling in class, but at least I don't come out as an outcast.
That's a funny thing, come to think of it, to be labeled - or in my case, label myself - as an outcast when you're the one that pulls through. I had always pictured it being the other way around. On no basis, I will give you that.
But having the possibility to talk to people about school stuff and realizing that you're talking about the same thing, at least means I should be in the right place at the right time.
Classes are gonna be tough, but I'll work my way up there eventually.
There is another eerie thing. Eerie might be too strong of a word, so let's settle for disturbing, or even unsettling.
Why the fuck am I spending that much time thinking about one single girl?
I know I have more than enough time to do everything I need to do, all I want to do, and then some. Yet, it is not sufficient to explain the mere fact that I spend way too much time picturing the same face in my head, over and over again.
That certainly stems from the very high expectations I, and a lot of people, had coming into this year. And by that I just mean the usual stuff. But I might have completely brainwashed myself.
This is a powerful device, the mind. Strong enough to even beat itself comprehensively, without leaving any chance to strike back. It's like playing chess against yourself, however in a one-sided game.
Sure, I know it's bullshit.
But I've learned to let the part of my mind which deals with feelings and whatnot to do its thing without my mingling further into its business. It's not gonna listen anyway, and in the end it would just be wasted energy. But I am bit surprised by the efficiency and the seemingly flawlessness of the process this time. I mean, a week? I know boredom has to play a significant part in it, but still. I did not see it coming.
And life has a good sense of humor, it seems.

I guess it's gonna keep me busy for a while. Maybe days, most likely weeks; though gambling on months might be over-exaggerated. I'll make do with what my brain has in mind this time around. For once, let's not try to tinker this thing and let's see how it evolves. Even though I already have a fairly clear idea of the outcome. Meh, whatever, I'll take that over nothing.

I'm good to go I guess.


Your city has a shitty sky. Okay, I don't get the same fantastic view as last year, good point, but still. It was way more majestic on the other side of the ocean, let alone how much better the Torontonian tower looks compared to its Paris counterpart. Yet I pulled off the feet of spotting two lonely, and apparently still, little shiny things out of the window.
I can hardly be able to say that I am preparing to shoot for the stars with just of couple of targets,

But I guess that's better than nothing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcguxHc4hiU

Grammar mistake

I don't get it, but I feel surprisingly uneasy.
Almost overwhelmingly ill at ease.
I think that's the kickback after last year. I have to reacquaint myself with another system, other people, other methods, another education, a different city. None of which I like as much.
While not much happened, last year was grand. It was fantastic, if just for the fact that it was a dream come true.
A dream.
That's what's been missing for quite some time now.
Since I came back, I feel like I am going in circles. I've stopped moving forward. More exactly, I've continued moving but without any destination. But it's not your kind of Saturday afternoon carefree stroll to Chinatown. I'm just lost. I have always been terrible with directions, but at least I know that all roads lead to Rome.
Well, I don't know where Rome is anymore. I don't know what Rome is anymore.
So I lock myself up in my shell, I try to be on the outside looking in until I find a clue.
Because for the time being, I have none.

As a result, I just feel uneasy as a whole, failing to adjust correctly, missing the thing that's not right.
It certainly is just me.

I sleep too much, I don't feel like getting up, I don't feel like coming home.
I mean, it's not much different from years past. I always need to reassess my environment when I get cast in the midst of it all. It doesn't take long before I get the gist and successfully blend in.
The mountaintop just seems to be a tad higher this time around.

Things will hopefully turn for the best. I'll get a few kicks in the arse during the first couple of weeks before getting to work and subsequently crush it all semester long. I won't meet many people, maybe a couple if I am lucky, maybe none; but it won't be a big deal, I can make space in my schedule if need be. Otherwise, I'll just play go. I'm gonna meet a lovely girl that will epitomize everything I want and compel me to deceive myself into thinking she can heal me, before she either rejects me or I chicken out like I am used to.

I'm already being kicked hard in the arse, and I've already met the lovely girl; so things are going as planned on paper.


Have I lost optimism? I might have become a mere engine. I know my openings, I have been through many of them and I know the optimal, pristine combinations. So I just repeat them, without even thinking anymore. It's bland, it's spotless. It works, period.
Would there be better suited ones for different situations though?

I am taking far fewer chances these days. I miss it. I'm drowning in boredom, as if I had fulfilled my duty and was given time to rest. I am numb.
Don't mistake it for fear, I want to play some poker with life. But she's not at the table. And when she comes, the possible losses far outweigh the potential gains.


I feel less alive when I don't have dreams in my head. Granted, I certainly don't ride the emotional roller-coaster as much, I lose the tendency to be struck by depression. But I don't get the other edge of the sword in return.

I am happy, I am just happy normally. I don't have these moments when I think stars are almost reachable with my bare hands.

I look at them, and they don't seem that far. But not close enough.

Status quo is a bitch, but the worst is not being given the opportunity to break out of it.



So tomorrow I'll just wake up, go to class, get some bad surprises, under-perform and come back home beating myself up. That will help me get into survival mode and improve significantly in no time to catch up; but that won't stop then and it will carry on until I get to the top. In the meantime I'll certainly see this girl I like, certainly more out of boredom than actual fondness. I might sit next to her like today and exchange nothing but a couple of words. I might not. I don't know, and I don't really care. One more missed opportunity wouldn't kill me anyway. Tomorrow I will come back, eat my cereals, maybe watch a few episodes of some random TV show before realizing time had flown, and go to bed. Tomorrow will be pretty much a rewind of today.

How the fuck is that possible?
Life anesthetized me to its changes. To the point that I don't really care to make every living day a different awesome experience.
Could someone please pull me out of this?
Because I really wouldn't enjoy having to wait for the snow to come back before I can breathe brand new oxygen again.

Well, look at the bright side. My bed is not making those unbearable noises anymore.
Yeah, well I broke my iPod yesterday though, so karma owed me that much.

It looks like I am outside of my head and can see that things are not going the way I want them to, but can't tinker with it. I fucking hate it.

I hate it.

And there is no addressing that for now.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EdACIPR0iE

A is faster than 1

The new school year is upon me.
I'm adjusting to my new environment.
Well, it hardly feels new however, since I've been here many times before.

I know this subway, I know these huge towers; and, more importantly,
I know a few peways.

For the first time in 8 years, I can finally see them whenever I want. For the first time in 8 years I don't need to wait for months before coming back.
For god's sake, and that's oughta be the best;
I don't hurt when I say goodbye.

It feels much closer to a see you later than a farewell hug these days.

I love that. I love that I don't leave with pain in my stomach and questions in my head. I am relieved I don't have to worry about not seeing you again anymore.
Because now I'm right here.

It still feels kinda weird though. I have trouble shaking up the usual departure-anxiety. I have yet to realize I am not leaving tomorrow, or the day after that.
This time, I'm here to stay.
At least for longer than ever before.

Granted, I still need tickets to ride the subway. Granted, I still take the wrong one. Granted, it will take some getting used to before I can finally stop thinking about things the old way.
But for now, it just feels awesome to be caught in that.

I don't miss you anymore, because you're always here.
And that's pretty damn rad after all these years.



These are not perfect days, but they've gotta be pretty damn close.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOc0we-75iA

Occam's razor

That was quite something.

It's hard to think clearly. The mind is not as sharp when it is sleep deprived. The body cannot really help when it's starving. The spirit is still pretty numb from the alcohol. I just know that one more time, I am speechless before the opportunity I wasted.

It's not like I really care though.

I'm anesthetized to weird encounters and ensuing failures. I've had one too many. I am experienced enough to read the situation well, clever enough not to make crucial mistakes.
Yet to no avail.
In the end there is always something holding me back.

How could I have guessed? How on earth would I have been able to guess? I went against everything my body was telling me and listened to the brain's plea. And in all truthfulness, it was convincing. Convincing enough to sabotage myself yet again.

I have good excuses this time around though.
Like every other time before.

But deep down I knew that I should have gone for it. I knew this was not a gamble as much as it was a calculated risk.
Obviously, it's always easier in hindsight.

I might love misery even more that it loves my company.
I just don't seem to want to shake that definitively. That's true, those stories that could have been, it is as funny for me to tell them as it is for you to hear.
It's starting to become exceptionally bittersweet though.
On my way back home on my 1st class seat, I just looked outside the window and reminisced. I was not sad, not even harboring regrets. It was just the usual sensation, the one I know way too well.
The feeling of another failure that was not to leave a lasting effect. At least not lasting enough to help me learn from it, henceforth preventing things to happen differently.

And let's be honest, even if I could go back in time and try to change things, I bet a thousand bucks that it would not affect the outcome.
Thank you, Novikov self-consistency principle.
Without you we may have been able to stop some insane mustached phony in time.
And I might have earned a kebab.

I'm not even tired of it all anymore. I'm so used to it now, it just feels like this is intrinsically linked to my behavior and my personality. I gave in some time ago. I've been giving up for quite a while as well.

It's not like I don't want things to change for the better.
It's just that I don't really care anymore.



Regardless of the daily speed bump, this was an awesome night. I had a wonderful time, I laughed a lot, I enjoyed being around, I just loved taking a break from the same old same old. I always love being with you dude, not any less than when we were 7, not any less than when we were 16. That's why I could spend way more than an hour and a half in a train to spend some quality time with one of the most important people in my life. You give me a fresh breath of air that makes me feel invincible, if only for a few hours. It goes a long way to helping my eyes turn red again.
I would not trade our friendship for the world, but I know you know that.
And as little as we would hug in the past and say sentimental stuff, I hope you know;
I love you man.


And now I'm home, hoping I could say that I'm navigating uncharted waters. But I know these waters like the back of my hand now, and even if I make do with that, a change of scenery would be much appreciated. Maybe I just need this to trigger that, maybe I am beating myself up a little too much, maybe I ask too many questions.

Or maybe I just have a bad case of hangover.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXUAX9mREuI

WeiqiTV

Why can't I access WeiqiTV if it's not down?

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________

Well, at least that compelled me to land here instead. Talk about a trade-off.
I've been alone, all by myself for 2 days now. I can't complain, I've a got nice big-ass house in the middle of nowhere, a nice landscape; and I love my neighbors - or lack thereof - .
I had not been alone for a while. Well, I've had plenty of me time since I came back, actually I've barely had anything else. But I had not really been alone with myself. That means dreaming, looking back, looking ahead;
And feeling a tad lonely.
I think there's some of that yeah.
Sometimes I even think it would be nice to really open the door once again instead of waiting for someone skillful enough to break in. But well, once again I don't really enjoy being robbed.
Who am I kidding? There's nothing left to take.

I am full of contradictions. I've always been. But as life has been happening, increasingly so. It's part of the game, it's something I don't dislike.
But it makes it hard for me to reach clear-cut conclusions.
After all, life's been pretty sweet since I started waiting for it to happen.

I'd like someone to share it with.

But I am unwilling to compromise, I have my temper, and I am quite a piece of work. I don't give many fucks either, and I especially refuse to invest time or anything that would jeopardize my universe.
Makes it kinda hard, doesn't it?

But all this is not etched. I mean, I could take a second look at it if someone were to be interested. And if she were worth it.
Argh, here we go again.

When I reach that point, I usually give up and make my peace with my facebook relationship status being what it is. It's hard to be satisfied with such a conclusion though.

So I'm waiting. Again.
And I'm getting nowhere fast.

I'm 23. When it comes to some things, I'm much older.
When it comes to hoping my life's gonna turn out like a Disney movie, I've been stuck at 16 for quite some time now.

A wise man once told me to never, ever catch feelings. That it was not worth it. Too painful.
This guy's a hero, so I believe him.
On the other hand, he was pretty hammered that night so, well.

I'm overthinking things because I have the luxury to be bored. I enjoy my champagne problems, guilty as charged. Yet, when I go to be(d) at night and start designing new adventures, different stories,
The one in which I'm not alone anymore is kind of an audience favorite.

I've been wrong, a lot. I've been wronged, quite a few times. I am not done being, that's for sure.
I'd just like to know if there is someone worth it out there.

Just so that I can keep on dreaming at night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADa7n1fM12g

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey, WeiqiTV is back.

The high life

So it's finally here, eh?

It's been a year, and jeez, time flew.
I did not really see it coming.
I'm happy to go back though. I feel like I achieved what I wanted to coming here. I mean, I chased my demons for good, I've started to find my back to who I wanna be. And I've been blessed to live my dream for a few months.
But it does not end here. I learned, I took all I could over the course of 8 months so that I could grow up and go back stronger. And I'm glad I'm going back. I'm excited to see y'all, to wrap my arms around you. Because if there is one thing that this abroad taught me - and though it might be a huge cliché is true -,it is that I came to the realization that part of what I want and need is back home.

It's been another hefty year when it comes to girls, and yet I could not put an end to the success drought. Leah, Chloé, Aryn, Sarah. For some of them I tried, for some I didn't. Some of them I had a shot with, most of them not even in my dreams. One of them changed a few things. Truth be told, a lot of things. So thank you, and happy birthday.

Tonight I just want to celebrate. Even though my last exam was a catastrophe, even though I could not party as much as I would have liked, even though I am one year older. I want to party. I want to look through my window and say thank you for a year I needed and was given the chance to get. There is no denying that. I am grateful.


I am sorry I was away for a year, but be sure that I missed you as much as you missed me.
And you can stop waiting now, everything will be fine.

Because I'll be back soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy9hGvfm-II

"This was really bad"

I got completely torched.
I guess that's the difference between 1d and 1p, eh? It was but a massacre.
I knew that I would lose, but I wish I had played well.
I was ludicrous.
Like, for real.
I was angry with myself.

Then I tried to redeem myself during the tsumego session. I still failed.
I was the best of the failures, but it's not worth much.

And then came the pro study session, where I did better. Because I did not really do anything.

I saw people leave, one after the other, until there was just 4 of us left, in front of a board, watching a game of Ke Jie.
It was the craziest shit.

I was told tonight that I was among the best in the group. That's probably true, and had we taken part into the North-American tournament, I would have made the team.
But is it enough though?

I am not satisfied anymore. It can't be enough to just be where I am at now and think it is good enough, that I can make do with that. It can't be enough if the other guy in the room is completely out of reach. It can't be enough if can still get utterly defeated like tonight.

It is not enough to be good enough.

I think it hit me tonight that it is time I stopped messing around too much, procrastinating for the sake of being good later. I don't wanna be good later anymore.

I want to be good right now.

It took three years. Three damn years. It was long for god's sake.
But at long last, I am willing to acknowledge that I need go, and it makes me sick to relegate that to a pastime. It is a major part of me, of who I am.
And I love it.
So why not hit the reset button and try to do things better this time around?

Because I feel like I am finding my way back.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM8GxoC2mPc

Potpourri

Let's start with yesterday, shall we?

I was on the train, on the way back. Tired, a tad disappointed. Not quite bitter, but still.
I was feeling like the defeated army waiting to come back only to be at the mercy of the rotten tomatoes.

I failed.
For the first time in 2 years, I failed.

It feels like my weaknesses have been exposed, like my shell's been cracked. I am vulnerable if not weak, vincible. And yet, it is different this time around. Because I know failure, I've endured it, I've lived though it. And I survived once.
I will again.

Unlike last time, I know this is not the end of the road. I am convinced it well help me become better, build something bigger, try harder.
I think that's what people mean when they say they have a chip on their shoulder.

I don't feel like I have much to prove to anyone but myself, yet that's important enough. And while I won't say I'm already over it, this time, I am looking forward to doing better,
I am not looking backwards wishing I had been.

_________________________________________________________________________________

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, and truth be told, I don't even know what to make of it. I was so excited to go to the party, to see everyone again; to get a few extra hours with those people one last time. To see you one last time. But you were not there, and though it was a good night, you were missing.
Both in the room,
And in my belly.
I missed having butterflies. I had hoped so much, for so long that you would be there; I had almost wrapped my head around the fact that it was a given. But even though people were there, the living room remained empty.

I don't quite know what to make of you, of me thinking about you. I'm infatuated like I have been before. Your are gradually leaving my mind, but a part of me still keeps you here, somewhere.
I somehow thought that life would make up for Emma. That with you, I would have one last shot, that I could see you one last time. Not to say anything, not to try anything.
Just to see you smiling knowing.
Knowing.
I am not even sure it is that important anymore.


Life did not give me that chance, so I am stuck in the all too familiar existence of sheer luck falling from the sky everywhere except on my heart. I think part of me has made peace with that fact, and the other part still wanna believe that somewhere, someone has the tools to fix what's gone wrong over the years. This is foolish, and perhaps childish, but it does not hurt hoping for the best.
I just feel like the older I get, the slimmer the chances become. And I am fed up looking for a change of pace I am refused every single time. However, nothing proves me it will get better if I just sit there waiting.
The real problem might be that the persona I have created, the standards I try to follow in order to find a girl who would be able to stand by me; those might be too hard.
Deep inside, I am looking for someone who would not hurt me.
I will never find that, that person doesn't exist. I need to be willing to take a blow and deal with it if I want to try and heal the part that has been limping for far too long now, far longer than people think. And more importantly, I have to be ready to be knocked down in order to hang onto that person if I find her.

It's just, I kinda hoped from the bottom of my heart that she would show up.
And it sucks.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I will go back soon, and it is scary how fast this year's gone by. I know that time flies, I know all that bullshit. I am way too familiar with it. But still, I have a sentiment of incompleteness. I still have a month to make right by god knows what, or just simply enjoy living my life.
I am going back and I've certainly grown up over the course of 8 months. Not necessarily more than I would have had I stayed. It has not triggered any radical change, but those are not what makes you take strides towards something great. The small steps, putting one foot in front of the other; I hold the belief that it is it that keeps us walking, running. And I've made a few. I am fairly happy about it.
Now I will take some of here home in exchange of leaving  part of me in this city. And that won't be easy to say goodbye, not quite as easy as I think it will be right now, that is. But some great things are waiting for me back home. No,
I am excited to go back and create some great things.


The thing I somehow did not think would happen is that I am still growing. I was sure that growing up was a process happening only as a result of pain, grief of anger; and that it ended the moment one was ready to move on.
I am feeling great, I am great. But I have not stopped growing up for that matter.
And it is almost scary, maybe even more so when it is not felt like a need anymore, because that means I don't have much control over it.

And that's fine, but that's weird.

I think the scariest part of growing up is not to be totally unaware of what's next,
but seeing what made you fade in the distance by the moment, before vanishing in the past.

But I don't forget.

You can be sure of that.

_________________________________________________________________________________

It's been a while, eh? 11 years now, that would almost freak me out if I were to think too much about it.
We were just kids back then, me way more than you.
We are adults now.
You a lot more than me.
And I feel like we didn't do that badly, don't you think? I mean, yeah, we found a a group of pretty sketchy weirdos, some of whom almost make me feel normal sometimes. But they are great weirdos, and when I look back, I don't think I would do any different regarding you, me, us. And god knows I would come back on a lot of things.
But inexplicably, it's been working out so well. I don't even know how.
Well, I have clues and some theories, but they would not be able to explain that bound.
We did a great job regarding that.
Yeah, ok, full disclosure
You've done an awesome job regarding that.

I know I am not the best. I seldom give news (in my defense, I HAVE been pretty busy lately; but it certainly does not apply to the major part of this 11 year span), but I think I am better than Aldo and Nat in that respect. I am still a burden who needs to be looked after at times, though not as much as Ancelin imo. I am really easy to get drunk, but undeniably not as much as Eric.
But one thing is for sure, I am grateful for all you did for me, and are still doing. Meeting you changed the course of my life. I mean, I would not know anything about go, I would never have met Emma; I would not even be writing from here right now if not for Haikira.
I might be ungrateful at times, because I am an imbecile, but I want you to know that I still love you after all these years, and I am proud of the people we met and managed to keep by our sides.
And you know what, more often than not,
I wish you were here.

Happy birthday < 3 _________________________________________________________________________

Someone once told me to stop looking at my feet by fear of tripping.
I've always held this piece of advice high up in my heart.
And though I still have trouble when going down the stairs,
I am seeing the stars way more often ever since.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAHiKI6ovqs

23

Oh shit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A81Z6hGjGJQ

Library

I woke up this morning with goosebumps, I woke up feeling dizzy and uneasy.
It wore on as the day went by.
And in the end, today was not bad.
Today was not bad in any respect.

So I guess, there's that.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Let's go meet the future, shall we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmLXEmCExIE

Fatigued

Ca fait 10 jours maintenant que je fais des cauchemars. C'est simplement mon subconscient, qui me rappelle que je m'approche de la date à laquelle Emma m'a quittée.
C'est pas très grâve, c'était pareil l'an dernier. J'arrive plus à bosser correctement, j'arrive plus à faire de go. Ca disparait le 13. Et je pourrais juste en rester là.

Mais tu as raison, je crois qu'après deux ans je suis prêt à accepter.
Je suis prêt à reconnaitre que je tourne en rond.
J'ai pas réalisé que ce dont j'avais peur depuis le début, c'était pas de la croiser, c'était pas elle
C'est ce qu'il y a dans ma tête.
Et partir à l'autre bout du monde ça me protège pas de ça.

Je vais mieux, je vais bien; parce que j'ai caché, enfermé, scellé ce qui dérangeait au fond et tout fait pour le garder secret. J'ai pas compris que c'était pas la bonne chose à faire. J'ai juste enfoui tout ce que je pouvais pour essayer de combler le vide. Parce que j'étais pas capable de faire face aux vérités.

J'ai toujours été plein de paradoxes.
J'étais trop faible pour accepter de perdre ce à quoi je tenais, et pour ne pas avoir à affronter la perte, j'ai tout fait pour faire disparaître ce à quoi je tenais.
Je pense que j'étais tout simplement pas assez fort pour accepter que j'étais faible.
Mais c'est plus le cas. Je le sais maintenant.

La raison pour laquelle depuis deux ans je n'ai pas échoué, c'est simplement parce que je n'ai pas réellement essayé. J'ai perdu la fille avec qui je voulais passer mon existence, et ça m'a mis en état de choc permanent. C'est pas mon coeur qui a le plus pris au final
C'est ma tête.
Parce qu'inconsciemment, sans y penser, j'ai évité de me battre, j'ai évité d'essayer. Je suis devenu drogué à la compétition sans jamais monter sur le ring. Pour l'école, pour les filles, pour le go; pour la vie. J'ai juste tout fait pour ne pas trop m'investir afin de ne pas souffrir de la défaite. Et ça a fonctionné. Mais sans ça, j'ai pas pu réellement gagner depuis.

Me casser la gueule sur le béton parce que je vais trop vite et me relever tant bien que mal; ça fait partie de moi. C'est pas parce que j'ai grandi, c'est pas parce que j'ai changé, c'est pas parce que je suis devenu un peu plus fort que ça a changé. C'est parce que je suis resté à terre.

J'ai ralenti à la vie.

Et c'est pas qui je suis. C'est pas moi.
Je me suis enfermé dans cette idée que je pourrais me protéger du monde en arrêtant de bouger.
Et c'est vrai, je peux.
Mais j'y gagne rien non plus.

Je suis devenu plus fort pour arrêter de me battre.

Et tout ça pour une raison simple, la même qui continue de nourrir la rage, la haine et le mépris après ces deux ans.

Parce que la seule chose qui me fait plus mal que l'idée de m'être fait voler deux années de ma vie
C'est de les avoir perdues.

Mais oui je les ai perdues. J'ai merdé, j'ai eu droit à ma deuxième, troisième, septième chance, et j'ai chié. Et il est temps que j'accepte ça.

Il est temps que j'admette que j'ai vécu des moments fabuleux avec Emma, certains qui font partis de mes plus beaux instants. Et ça fait mal de regagner les souvenirs de ce qu'on a perdu.

Mais t'as raison, j'ai pas de page à tourner, j'ai ma vie à vivre. Et tout le long j'avais pas réalisé la vraie nature du problème.
C'était pas l'héritage empoisonné d'Emma. C'était le mien. C'est les barrières que je me suis posées afin de me protéger des échos d'une défaite trop lourde à porter. Et c'était essentiel, c'était la seule façon pour moi de survivre à la tempête.

Mais ça fait deux ans.

Et deux ans après, ces limites se doivent de sauter.

Je ne vais pas redevenir qui j'étais. Parce que je suis bien aujourd'hui comme je suis. Mais je peux récupérer ce que j'ai cherché tout ce temps et qui était juste là, avec moi.

Parce que ce qui me faisait peur, c'est qu'en admettant qu'on a eu une belle histoire au passé
Ca veut dire te laisser partir pour de bon.

Ca fait longtemps que je sais que j'étais une étape dans ta vie.
Il est temps que j'accepte que tu étais une étape dans la mienne aussi.

J'ai pas perdu mon temps avec toi. J'aurais pu faire les choses autrement, et si je pouvais, je vais pas mentir
Je ferais en sorte qu'il n'y ait pas de "nous".
Mais c'est arrivé, et tu sais quoi, je l'avoue aujourd'hui Emma
J'étais heureux avec toi.

Mais j'ai le droit d'être heureux sans toi aujourd'hui.

T'as raison mec, j'ai pas de page à tourner, j'ai juste à me relever une fois de plus comme je sais si bien le faire, et recommencer à courir sur la vie aussi vite que je peux.
Et la prochaine fois que je tomberai, et que je me souviendrai ce que c'est que d'avoir mal
Ca me prouvera que je suis bien vivant, et je me releverai une fois de plus
Parce que c'est qui je suis.

Et elle m'a rien volé,
Surtout pas le droit d'être moi-même.

Au final, je viens de réaliser que j'étais pas parti pour chercher qui je devais être,
Mais pour retrouver qui je suis.
Et ça signifie pas que j'ai plus le droit d'avoir peur de tomber;
Mais que je me dois de prendre le risque.




Ce soir je suis fatigué après avoir écrit ce message gros, et j'ai les yeux rouges.
Je sais que c'est pas encore le rouge que toi et moi on aimerait retrouver dans mes pupilles;


Mais c'est un début.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-y11kJzwe4Y

So be it

Two days ago, I was away from the city. Away from my everyday life, for a couple of days, not having to think of anything but catching a lucky break.

Girl-wise.
Come one, life never gives me a lucky break in that area. But well, just because life doesn't give you lemons doesn't mean you can't yearn for lemonade, right?

Sarah.

Her name is Sarah.

And she has everything I could ever have dreamed of.
And she has a boyfriend.

And I will never see her again.

That's basically it, in a nutshell.

Don't be mistaken, I know how to deal with shit. I've jumped though hoops one too many times, and I learned to have a short-term memory when it comes to my iffy shenanigans. I cope well, I cope fast and I forget without any trouble. Sometimes I think about it for quite some time, but it doesn't hurt; and I turn a blind eye on it because well

I don't really catch feelings anymore.

But I am facing a wall here.

Can anyone here explain to me why that girl, whom I know almost nothing about, is haunting my thoughts? Or more like, I just feel like shit?

There is one way to look at it. It was the last straw. Or the last nail. Or both. And yeah, I AM fed up. Because I DO try, but life does not seem to be willing to cooperate. I brought the glasses, the rum, the sugar, the mint, the lemonade; I can even make the mojitos myself. But please, when are you gonna give me the fucking lemons?
Yeah, I feel like the universe is against me on that one, and I feel like giving up. I think I just did, actually.
That is one way to look at it.

And there is mine.
That was the very first time that I didn't have to make a push for my feelings in 2 years. I did not have to brainwash myself in order to manufacture feelings that resemble what the heart could formerly produce. These substances that give a meaning to things that don't have any. I did not have to force.
I did not.
I was under her spell.

For no fucking reason whatsoever.

And I cannot wrap my head around the fact that it just happened out of nowhere.

Some will say it is actually a good thing. That "love at first sight" type of thing, it had not happened to me since Marion. I was 16.
16.
And having feelings, or at least something similar to that, created naturally without my even thinking about it
It's pretty damn rad.

And I guess it's true.
Just as much as the explanation that my disappointment emanates from an accumulation of failures and bad timing.

Combined, it offers a pretty damn good reason for me to feel a bit edgy.
Makes sense.
And you know what?

Fuck you.

I don't like that. The old me? Maybe. I am not him anymore.
I don't play to lose. I don't even play to find out in the end.
I play to win.

And I was not even given a single chance.

And god knows she was more that worth it.

And something was reborn, for an instant. The last piece of that new puzzle, the missing component. It was here, just in front of my eyes. But it was not mine. And I saw it get away.
No, I saw it stay away.

Because you can be goddamn sure that if I had been given a shot, I'd have taken it

And I'd have made the most out of that.
But now we'll never find out, eh

So I am here with my cup of Jack on a school night, not giving the single fuck I usually give; without a solution. Time is going to take its due once again I guess. But this time I don't want it to.

I have changed.
I don't want time to take that away from me.

I don't want to forget that moment.
I don't want life to remind me that I am making a gigantic deal out of nothing.

She epitomized hope. She is the first girl whose existence was, if only for a moment, an evidence in my eyes.

Something was revived, and it was burning again, more than it used to. So much more. And nothing could ever extinguish that one. But time is just going to take it away slowly. Once my sworn enemy, it saved my life
To eventually turn against me again.

Maybe it is for my own good. And maybe it is a miracle that proved me that, yeah, I can have genuine feelings again.
Maybe it dispelled my delusion that I had to wait for 2 years and 7 months before possibly retrieving the missing part - or replacing it.

Maybe bullshit

I live in the moment, and in 6 months I might read that and say I was stupid, but you know what future me, 

Fuck you

She is something right now, and I cannot afford to lose that. For my own sake.
Because she proved that I was not a fraud, not just a facade hiding the real me, broken, deep inside, and just waiting to heal. She proved that I have become real. That I am who I am right now, not who I used to be.

It beats again for fuck's sake.
It frickin beats again.

And I do feel alive. I very much do. I am done with you Emma.
I have not reached the 6th degree of separation. I would not take you back without hesitation. I would not take you back period.
But I don't need the 6th degree.
I don't need it anymore.
I am done with you and you excruciating legacy.

I am here, on the 16th story, with the city lights and the CN tower illuminating my world.
I built this world with my people and my own hands, I built who I am from scratch; and at last, I can feel again.

And if getting tipsy on a school night is the price I impose myself to pay, if I am deprived from clear thoughts for a couple of days, if I have to cope with life never giving me a shot again after Emma; all of that in order to break out of that golden cell and cut ties with my previous self to feel alive, if only for a few more hours

If I have to hurt again to feel sorta in love again...

_________________________________________________________________________________

"I don't understand that. You have Marshawn Lynch, the best runner in the game, a tackle-breaking machine at 3rd down and one at the one yard line with under 30 seconds to go in the Superbowl, you have to give him a shot. And you know what? If it fails and I lose the Superbowl because of that, then..."

_________________________________________________________________________________

So be it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NNinOL6Mnk

You're damn right there is

I needed fresh air. I needed to feel cold, I needed to be freezing, because at the moment I was convinced

That it would be only thing that'd help me feel alive.

I went out in the cold, sleeveless, walking, thinking, wondering. I stepped outside pondering about life and death, the fact that the two are intertwined and natural.
I can't accept that.

For either of them.

I was there, and I was not feeling that much more alive. Just cold.
I did not understand why things had to start if they are doomed from the start. I felt ashamed, ashamed of feeling uncomfortable in a life that is almost perfect. I felt bad realizing that the very fact I was able to contemplate these thoughts meant that my life was so unrealistically good.
But I could not help it.

I was feeling on the outside looking in this big bad world.

I fit, but way too much to drop out of it,

And not enough to be able to grasp what is missing.

WHAT is missing?

I don't know.

I have no fucking clue.

I was there, and I felt useless. Without an explanation for why I was here, for all of that. What is the purpose? There is none. Randomness, ludicrous odds that led to life, that led to me. And that are gonna lead me to nothingness.
I felt engulfed by the reality that I was not big enough to upset the laws of nature. I felt overwhelmed by the rules I have to abide by and that I will never be able to break.

I went back home, not feeling better. Just hoping for a better tomorrow.
I just wanted a better tomorrow.
I just wanted a sign that longing for the stars in that empty sky was not useless.


And the next day, when I woke up, 

It was snowing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqQsZ8g8KHQ

"Tu sais jamais si tu dois dire 'tu' ou 'vous' "

I don't like the fact that people go.
But above all, I don't like the fact that I am not here to support, to protect my people in these dire times.
I'm away, and it kind of feels like I am being a coward. But I just can't go back yet. Physically, I can't. I can just hope that things are gonna get better.
And I truly believe they are.

Maybe not today
Maybe not tomorrow
But one day, it is gonna get better

So hang in there dad, because sooner than later
I'm coming back home.

And I'll be strong for good

It's time I had my say

Parce que ça va faire deux ans, et je crois que finallement, j'ai besoin de dire tout ce que j'ai jamais eu l'occasion de dire. J'ai envie d'exercer mon droit de parole, ma liberté d'expression; et surtout, de récupérer, rétroactivement, les droits qui m'ont été déniés, même de façon implicite.

Alors ce soir là quand je t'ai appellé, et que tu m'as donné la vérité que j'avais peur d'entendre, je l'admets aujourd'hui: j'étais soulagé. Soulagé de ne plus avoir à m'enfoncer encore plus profondément dans une défaite que je savais très bien inévitable. On vivait sur quelque chose qui marchait plus, on a essayé; plusieurs fois. Par habitude et par espoir, surtout par peur. J'avais peur de te perdre, et ça a contribué à tétaniser toutes mes tentatives pour nous sauver. Je t'aimais, mais oui, ça m'a fait du bien que tu reconnaisses qu'il y avait un problème.

Je me souviens de ton auto-persuasion, de ton mensonge permanent; selon lequel on vivait dans un conte de fées. Je suis pas totalement stupide. Je sais très bien que tu savais. Mais on était un couple; et aussi désagréable, insupportable, invivable que j'étais; c'était ton devoir de me parler. Parce que c'est ce que les gens font, parler. J'avais toujours été honnête avec toi, même dans les pires situations.
Je demandais pas grand chose en retour. Alors même si j'ai conscience que j'étais devenu un fardeau à gérer, j'avais droit à la vérité.

Parlons-en de ça d'ailleurs, du fait que j'étais devenu un être totalement mal dans ma peau, dénué de tout égo, marqué d'un sentiment d'insécurité constant et grandissant de jour en jour. Parce que ça, c'est aussi ta création. Quand tu refuses que ton copain t'embrasse, t'approche pendant des semaines, pendant des mois; quand tu as ce regard repoussant en le regardant, tu penses que ça aide à guérir les blessures? Tu penses que ça m'a aidé à garder espoir? A essayer plus fort? Et au moment où tu m'as annoncé que tu n'étais, et ne serais, je cite, "plus jamais" heureuse avec moi; tu penses que tu as laissé les bases les plus simples en me  poussant à te quitter? Tu crois que c'était juste de me demander à moi le droit de te laisser partir? De me demander de te pousser vers la sortie? De m'obliger à faire le sale boulot? Parce que tu n'as même pas eu le courage de me dire clairement les choses, même pas de dire "c'est fini".

Et même pas eu le courage de me dire les choses en face? Tu as été capable, quelques heures avant, de me regarder dans les yeux et de me dire que tout allait bien en sachant pertinemment que nous c'était juste devenu le cadavre de nos jours heureux? Et bien que je sois aujourd'hui capable de dire que j'ai la tête hors de l'eau; qu-est ce que tu penses de la dernière image que tu m'as laissée?

Parce que quand je suis parti prendre le bus, et que la dernière chose que tu m'as dite était "je t'aime" avec un grand sourire; tu pensais que ça allait s'effacer? C'est encore là, c'est là chaque fois que j'essaie de me replonger dans les bons souvenirs; c'est le cancer qui putrifie tout et masque ce qui est important. C'est un traumatisme que mon cerveau ne peut pas gérer. Qui peut gérer ça? Si je fais confiance à mes sens, tu es toujours là, t'es jamais partie, et j'attends juste que tu m'appelles pour me dire de venir te voir jouer le weekend prochain. Comment, dis-moi, suis-je supposé passer outre ça?

Et ça, c'est que l'avant. Appeler mes parents, contacter ma famille, vraiment? Tu peux pas avoir de juste milieu Emma, tu pouvais pas faire ça; si tu décides de partir - et c'est un droit que, malgré le niveau de haine auquel j'ai pu succomber, je ne t'ai jamais dénié - alors tu fermes ta gueule et tu assumes. Tu décides de partir? Laisse moi en dehors de ça.

Après tout ça faisait des mois que je ne faisais plus partie de ta vie; alors enfin que j'ai été poussé vers la sortie, tu veux me faire replonger?

Et les mensonges à retardement, je peux en parler de ça? Le fait que je découvre des choses des mois après, des choses contre lesquelles j'avais eu des promesses, promesses que j'ai été assez stupide pour croire; comment je suis sensé croire quelqu'un maintenant? J'arrive plus à accorder la moindre confiance à qui que ce soit de nouveau dans ma vie. Je peux pas m'ouvrir, parce que je suis devenu quelque peu paranoïaque à l'idée que quelqu'un arrive, je ne sais comment, à me faire mal comme tu m'as fait mal. Je ne pense pas que ce soit possible, mais une fois encore, avant de te connaître; je ne pensais pas que ce serait possible d'avoir mal comme ça.

Tous les obstacles que j'ai du affronter à causes des erreurs que tu as faîtes et qui m'ont frappées à la gueule des jours, des semaines, parfois des mois après; tu as conscience qu'inconsciemment tu as crée ça?

Tu as conscience que tu as tué qui j'étais?

Après, comment j'ai pu t'aimer tout ce temps, et, je ne vais pas me mentir; comment une partie de moi peut encore avoir des sentiments pour toi; c'est une question à laquelle je n'aurai jamais de réponse.

Mais t'étais pas différente des autres Emma. T'es surement pas différente des autres. T'as pas pu changer autant que moi, parce que moi je t'ai pas laissé autant de fantômes et de poison pour te détruire. Et bien que ce soit vrai qu'on partage la faute et que j'ai ma part non négligeable de responsabilité dans cet épilogue, et que j'ai aujourd'hui conscience que des deux, je suis celui qui n'est objectivement pas compatible avec une relation sentimentale; j'aimerais dire aujourd'hui qu'au moment où tu as raccroché; un monde s'est écroulé pour qui j'étais. Et j'y repensais pas trop, j'y prêtais pas trop d'attention, y accordais pas trop d'importance.

Mais aujourd'hui, je ne suis plus le petit garçon que tu as connu, et quand je rejoue la scène, je peux te dire qu'il n'y a qu'un seul mot qui me vient à l'esprit. Et ce mot ne porte aucun jugement sur les moments fantastiques qu'on as eu ensemble, sur la tristesse et le bonheur qu'on a partagés ou sur la misère que tu m'as infligée. Il reflète juste ce que je ressens aujourd'hui vis à vis de qui tu as été cette nuit là, ce moment isolé dans le temps, dans ma vie; juste après être soulagé d'un fardeau trop imposant pour mes épaules à cette époque et juste avant d'être frappé par les conséquences psychologiques de ta décision.
En fait, il traduit juste mon besoin de caraactériser mes idées par le langage.
Et le sentiment de gâchis qui me suit depuis deux ans.


Salope.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uizQVriWp8M

Pinkish sky

I have not had a great week.
And it is hard to explain why, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when. I guess it is my brain's way of telling me I am currently at a crossroads.

I have had night terrors three days in a row.

And last night it was about you.

I was over you, I AM actually; or so I thought. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just turn the page. And why does it feel like status quo deep inside? I have changed, I know that; you are not here anymore and it is totally fine. So why was this dream so vivid?
Why did it feel so real?
Why did it feel so right?
Why did I feel so right?

Why did I want you back? WHY for fucks sake would a part of me still be smitten with the ghost of who you were?
That's necrophilia.

You were beautiful, you were basically everything you used to be. You were there. We were.
We.
And that's not something I thought I would feel again in my life. And I did not, it was just a dream.
Just a fucking dream.

And I failed to end it. As I failed to end it back then when things were going south. And as I failed every step of the way. You are the only thing holding me back, after almost 2 years.

2 years, it's a long time. And yet it still hurts. It doesn't hurt the same.
But it hurts. It does. I can't deny that.
And whatever I do, it will still hurt.

But I knew that, I agreed to those terms and I stick with it, here is not the problem.

I just thought that one day, a girl would show up and would be able to wipe out everything. That she would reset everything, that she would design a new landscape; that she would redefine love. I just thought that as long as I was struggling to keep my head above the water, someone would eventually arrive and rescue me. Call it foolish, call it hopeful; I just thought that one day, another girl would have the power and the strength to light fire inside of me once again, to pick up those pieces and magically build something new with it, with what's left.
I just thought that she would come save me.

But I think I am finally coming to grips with the reality that this girl

She might not exist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwAUca79c4o

I am Charlie

I feel like the world is losing.